Ethical Travel Dilemma
 

My husband and I were given the use of a good friend's home in Tortola over the holidays. I have made arrangements to have the house professionally cleaned and fully stock the kitchen after we leave so they come home to a clean nice house.

They would be offended if we offered them money.

Airfare is astronomical. I cannot find anything under $1200 each no matter which way I try (drive to MIA/FLL/ATL etc.) and I just cannot stomach the thought of spending $2400 on airfare alone.

My husband's partner caught wind that we are considering cancelling the trip and wants to buy us the tickets for a Christmas present.

I love my husband's partner but I am not comfortable with this gesture.

Am I nuts?

Well if the gesture is being made in good faith with no strings attached and is coming from the heart then why not? If so then its OK if a good thing comes your way once in a while. Go ahead and go and bring him back something special he would like. :-)

Well, questions.. what sort of gifts have you exchanged in the past? Would the partner be able to visit as well? Would you feel obligated to reciprocate or could it be considered a just a very generous gift?
If an illness were involved or it was a relative, I think it would be easier to justify(speaking on a personal basis for me and my family), but I know my dh and he'd never let someone be that generous.. it is a big gesture..J.

It is a big gesture and it raises the ? of the means of the partner. Is it big for him?

I don't know if Partner to you means the same thing to me, but if my husband couldn't afford airfare and his partner could, I'd wonder about the equality of the partnership

Your heart knows the answer.

Ask your heart, and listen. If it is the right thing to do, calm will overtake you; if it is the wrong thing to do, you will feel uneasy.

Spreading light, I am, L.M. Sunshine

It would make me feel very indebted and therefore unacceptable, unless he's repaying a prior, similar gift on your part.

I think that it would be fine to accept the gift if this is generally the ball park figure of gifts that have been exchanged in the past.

Of course, if it was your DH's boss, rather than partner, it would be a no brainer and you would of course take the gift.

Analogizing the partner relationship to friendship, I have never received or given a $2400 gift from my friends. If you have, or this is common behavior of the partner, then I see no reason why you couldn't take it without feeling guilty.

Does the partner always offer/provide such gifts? If not, "why now" would be the question I'd put to Mr. Go. Also, are you sure Mr. Go is not doing this through the partner so you will go ahead with the trip?

Do you really want to go to Tortola at that time? If so, I think I would go ahead and buy the tickets ---even though that is a lot of money. If you were to buy the tickets at a better price and stay in a hotel, surely that would cost more than 2400?

I can understand your being uncomfortabe with the offer to buy the tickets as a gift.

Um- can you AFFORD the 2400? If you can't, don't accept the gift, even if it's (supposedly) no strings attached!

What's your hubby's opinion? (b/c my mother worries about this sort of thing too- and my father usually says- go ahead and buy the dang tickets!)

I don't know your situation at all so I'm only speaking for myself here. If I was given a house to use I wouldn't feel too bad about paying $2,400 for a vacation. You can cook meals at the house to save money so it really wouldn't be a very expensive vacation if you look at it that way.

No way would I accept the gift though. That just doesn't seem right.

Hi GoT...I like your arrangements to leave the house the way you are, that would be what we would do, but there is no way in the world that my husband would ever accept the air too..It would just tip the balance between the two , too much.
I would either pay for the tickets and enjoy the place or forget about it.
* we had years of partner dealings and keeping that balance between the two is very important*

For some, $2400 is not a lot of money (in the grand scheme of things) and if the friendship between the men goes back a long ways and they're close (and it sounds like they are), I would accept graciously.

If they've never been particularly close, or if the situation would just be an embarrasment, politely decline. Could you afford the airfare on your own, but you'd rather not? If you can afford it, maybe you should just pay for it on your own. $2400 for a vacation over the holidays is not bad.

Good luck with your decision. It can't be easy, but it sounds like the partner wants to do something special and affectionate for you two.

Okay, I'm getting a little confused. [Surprised, right? :)] The "friends" offering the house are not the same people as the "partner." Right?

I think they're two different people: the partner offering the airfare, and the friend offering the Tortola villa.

Thinking about it, either way GT should go to Tortola. First, that villa would probably cost over $3000 for a week during the holidays. Even if the tickets are $2400 and they spend $1k for food/misc., that is still a really cheap trip during the major high season.

1) What are the chances of airfare dropping before your trip? You have a long time to think about this.

2) If you can't afford it (that is, by cutting back on other discretionary or travel spending), then you can't afford it. I would not accept the tickets as a present, unless you are in the habit of giving and receiving elaborate gifts with this man. It would make the relationship going forward awkward. Would you need to reciprocate one day? Would you be able to reciprocate one day? Friends and loans do not mix - therefore, in all likelihood, friends and sizable monetary gifts do not mix.

Only speaking for myself, I would feel indebted to be on the receiving end of such a generous gift and I would feel as though I needed to reciprocate in kind at a later time (which I couldn't afford to do).

The gesture is incredibly generous and I am sure you appreciate it greatly, but if you don't feel comfortable accepting it, then you shouldn't.

To answer the questions;

Yes, we could afford the airfare but I will have two stepdaughters in college and would rather not.

They have not exchanged gifts in the past and yes, his partner can afford the gift.

Yes, the two friends are different. A good friend owns the house and his partner wants to give us the tickets as a gift.

The big huge variable here that throws the whole thing out of whack is the recent loss of our family member. I think everyone unspokenly agrees Mr.GoTravel should get out of Dodge for the holidays.

This is why this is such a dilemma for me. I would feel uncomfortable accepting this extravegant a gift.

Sorry for your loss GoT. I would try every possible way to pay for it on my own or not go. Even if $$$ isn't a big deal to the partenr it will likely change the relationship.