American Friendship
 

The recent thread on the "best place to live" included some familiar comments about the relative friendliness of people in different regions. One comment that caught my eye was that New Englanders are "Puritans" who make it "difficult to meet geniune friends." <BR> <BR>I've lived in the east and midwest, north and south, and I admit I've noticed regional differences in how people think about being friends. In some places, people consider a great number of people "friends" but the relationships aren't particularly intense (for want of a better word). In others, they have very few people they actually call friends, but those are very close and lasting. <BR> <BR>Regarding visiters, some places are very cordial and friendly to newcomers, but never really let them into existing circles of friends. Others may be less welcoming or even downright chilly to "outsiders," but eventually one can become part of a group of loyal buddies. <BR> <BR>I wonder if Forumites -- WITHOUT asserting that their philosophy of friendship is the superior one or putting down others -- could describe their experiences in differents of the country. Tourists are, by definition, outsiders, and that's probably relevant. (Tough assignment for those who love to do battle, but let's get eyes off Florida's safety for a while.)

<BR>Very interesting perspective. Living in the North and visiting the South frequently on business, I think I can lend some perspective. Southern hospitaliy definately exists and is a welcome treat to weary travelers or vacationers. Therefore, I agree that Southerners are typically quite friendly, but I've found it to be a surface deep facade veiled in distrust and unflattering commentary when visitors are no longer present. <BR>Inner circle groups are difficult to break, but this is true generally everywhere and has more to do with affluence than anything else. <BR> <BR>Also, I tend to agree with the assertion that it is difficult to make friends in the North. By their history, New Englanders are not trusting of strangers, however, they do not put up facades. You know where you stand with New Englanders at all times and once barriers are broken down, New England friendships last for life. I think "intense" describes it perfectly.

Interesting question. <BR>My perspective: <BR>northern states: cordial to all, difficult to form close friendships, real friendships very solid. <BR>midwest: cordial to all, relatively easy to form meaningful friendships. <BR>southwest (large cities, anyway): see midwest, as majority of people are just midwest transplants. <BR>California: casually pleasant on surface, few people seem motivated enough to pursue close friendships, though there's lots of superficial social activity. <BR>Texas: generally very friendly people. If not a native Texan, you'll never crack the 'inner circle'.

Here's an anecdote that illustrated something -- not sure what -- to me: <BR> <BR>"Mary," a Yankee, and "Jo," a Texan, had planned for months to spend a Saturday antiquing together. Mary woke up quite ill with "monthlies" headache, pain, etc. but didn't want to let Jo down, so she pulled herself together and met Jo and off they went. However, Mary was, predictably, not up to her usual cheerful self and found it difficult to keep up with both the pace of the trip and the conversation. Jo became irritated and cut the trip short, asking Mary why she hadn't just canceled the trip if she couldn't be pleasant. Later they reviewed the day and realized that they'd had very different ideas of what would have the "right" thing for friends to do. Mary thought loyalty demanded the sacrifice of getting out of bed and trying to go along so that Jo wouldn't be let down. Jo thought that civility demanded that Mary either stay at home or be cheerful. <BR>It seemed to both of them that this was a regional difference.

So are you 'Mary' or 'Jo'? <BR>Guess I wouldn't cut it in Texas. Loyalty seems more important to me.

So are you 'Mary' or 'Jo'? <BR>Guess I wouldn't cut it in Texas. Loyalty seems more important to me.

Now deep in my eighth decade and having lived in many parts of America and overseas, I realize how lucky one is if he or she has six genuine friends at the end of the day. Acquaintances, yes, maybe by the hundred. But genuine friends -- those take a lifetime of cultivation, contact, and communication. Regional generalizations count for little, we have found. So often, life is like a mirror -- and true friends are the ones who love you, warts and all.

I was interested to see others assesments of the difficulties of making friends in New England. I grew up in the South (Kentucky, with lots of visits to my grandparents in Alabama), and was used to most people being pretty friendly. When I moved to Boston 24 years ago, I had a hard time with the fact that people were generally not as friendly - in fact, I was working as a salesclerk at a store downtown, and I remember being surprised when one of my coworkers asked me why I was always so polite to the customers, as if that were really unusual (sadly, I think maybe it was). But I also think that a lot of that attitude was just due to the fact that I was in a large city. For the past 11 years I've lived in a smaller town in Massachusetts, about 25 miles from Boston, and have really found most people to be quite nice and cordial. They may be a little more reserved than in other parts of the country, but will generally respond to friendliness - you just might need to make the first overture. I have quite a few friends, several of whom I consider close, and many acquantances. I think this may be due to the fact that I have become involved in a number of community activities and organizations, which makes it easier to get to know and meet people. Someone who is shy or not very outgoing might have a harder time making friends in New England, but, I think that with a little effort, it is not difficult. There are also a number of transplants from other parts of the country, and other parts of the world, in the area, so that may be diluting that famous New England reserve, but I've found that some of the friendliest people I know were born and raised here. And those friends I've made here are people that I know I can really count on, their friendship is not superficial.

We moved from NJ to Bellevue, Washington (large city outside of Seattle) and we were shocked at how friendly and warm everyone was. In NJ we had several neighbors that we were friendly with but here we know them all. We hadn't been in our house but a few days and food and drinks and offers of an extra car were coming our way. Cashiers with a long line just chat away and no one rushes. Our neighborhood reads like the United Nations and yet we all get together and have parties with kids and dogs invited. I think friendship is easy as the area has grown so quickly and everyone is new to the area and everyone seems thrilled to be living in such a beautiful even though rain soaked place.

I grew up in NJ, have lived in So. Cal., Buffalo, Indianapolis, suburban Houston, Kansas City area, and now Charleston, SC. <BR> <BR>From my perspective--So. Cal. was superficially friendly; Buffalo had the "nicest neighbors we've ever had"; Indy and KC were chilly to transients; and Charleston, SC has truly deserved its reputation for being the most polite city in the US for a few years running. <BR> <BR>This is, by far, the friendliest, warmest group of people we've had the pleasure to live amongst. Core group of downtown Charlestonians are a tough group to crack--(you NEVER will unless you're multiple generations deep!). But, there are many others of our age group (early 50s) who are transplants and have easily adapted to the kinder, gentler genteel Southern hospitality. <BR> <BR>Just My Humble Opinion.. <BR>

WE have lived in several areas but have found the people in the Midwest to be the friendliest people overall. We live in S. Calif. now and the most friendly people we meet out here all have come from the Midwest.

Sara- <BR> <BR>I have had the reverse of your experience. Born and raised outside Boston, and now living in NYC, and whenever I go down South I feel extremely uncomfortable with the cheeriness of people everywhere. While I know it's not a false front, I can't help but feel like it is because as a Yankee I'm not used to it. I swear, I feel as though I'm in an episode of the Twilight Zone or the X-Files. And I had heard, like the earlier poster said, that Charleston was one of the hardest societies to crack into, so I found it particularly annoying there. I believe in being nice and polite to people, but to me it borders on the worst kind of hypocrisy to be over-the-top, sugary sweet to a person as long as he is just visiting, but never entertain for a second the thought of including the same person in your social circle should he become your next-door neighbor.

Woops, let's be careful here -- the idea wasn't to decide which region is "best" or "friendliest" but to talk about differences about what people expect. <BR> <BR>I think Darcy and Sara's exchange illustrates some of those differences -- like whether you are immediately friendly to strangers or how soon someone qualifies as a friend after meeting. I used to die of embarrassment if my mother (a Yankee) was too "chummy" with strangers or, for example, checkers at the grocery store; and after living in a city for a while, I found that I became worried that someone that friendly was either nuts or was trying to put something over on me. Then after living in a couple of small towns, I discovered two things: 1) everyone was friendly and said good morning to everyone else, but 2)few people were "in the market" for new friends because they'd lived there all their lives. It just didn't occur to most of them that I didn't already have a bunch of friends (esp. since I wasn't a church-goer). <BR> <BR>So what happens to tourists from other countries when they visit? Any comments from Europeans lurking here? Or is the whole issue of friendship a uniquely American worry?

Darcy: <BR>I agree with your face value impressions of the southeast. When considering whether or not this is hypocritical, however, remember that such behavior is part of a historical social behavioral code which is cultivated and passed on without conscious effort...just as Brits are often stereotyped as unemotional and disinterested, New Yorkers as being comparatively aggressive, and Italians as being emotional and prone to yelling. Stereotypes, of course, but such social traits are typically adopted by kids as norms. Nothing devious as far as southerners go.