taggie

Last winter I went on my first solo trip, to London, and loved being on my own.

My husband and I travel really well together and I don't want to NOT go with him any more - there are places I haven't been that I definitely want to go to with him. But being totally free to do what I wanted when I wanted to do it was really fantastic.

I've been through a very stressful spring and summer and have been told by my Dr. to take at least 2 weeks off and go somewhere this fall... and I'm longing to go to England (and possibly Paris) by myself again.

I've broached the subject a couple of times but my husband is not happy about it.

One issue is that I do tend to spend quite a lot of money when I travel. But in this case, I've got airline points and really want to scale back on the extravagance so i figure I could spend about half what he'd expect. I've done a budget that would show him how frugally I want to go this time.

I guess the other issue is that he is worried this will be the death knell for our future travels together.

I'd welcome any suggestions as to how I can bolster my argument for another trip over (less that a year after my other one).

weindell

This may be more of a marriage-counseling question than a travel question, but here's one suggestion: go somewhere your husband doesn't want to go, or somewhere he's been to enough times that he won't feel left out of things if you go alone. If you go to a destination that he'd like to go to as well, you'll probably have enough guilt to create the level of stress you're trying to get away from.

suze

I an a big proponent of solo traveling. But then again, I'm single.

Your question is really not about solo traveling. Rather about your relationship with your husband. Bigger fish than we can fry on a travel forum. Sorry.

Katie_H

I'm single so take my recommendation with a grain of salt but..

When was the last time you traveled together? Is he due for a vacation too?

Would it be possible to already start planning a trip the two of you can take down the road---in 2009 maybe---so that he feels assured that he will travel again.

For tips on actually planning this trip without spending a ton of money, I'd definitely post in the Europe forum. I wouldn't be surprised if some folks there encouraged you to look into renting an apartment to save money.

taggie

Thanks for the responses.
Hmmm. I hadn't thought we'd need to get a counsellor involved. You're right, though, the question isn't about solo travel. I didn't mean for my post title to mislead anyone.

If husband hadn't taken all his holiday time earlier in the summer, then I might be asking him to come along for at least some of the time. Too bad, because a partial together/solo trip might have been the way around all this. As it stands though, he can't get away, and I really must.

Weindell, good point, and that's why I've been thinking England (and Paris). We've been there together about a dozen times. We haven't been to, say, Italy, and I want to save that for a together trip.

Ah well...

taggie

Hi Katie - we're having interwebs trouble and I was posting at the same time you were.

Yes, the destination planning for our next trip together is already underway. The nature of my work makes it extremely difficult to predict very far in advance as to when I can go, though. So I end up having to pull it all together in a bit of a rush.

He did have some shorter, "buddy" trips during his time off this summer. And he has travelled a fair amount for his job, to some far-flung places.

Our last BIG trip together was Dec 2007 to London Paris and Vienna. But have had jaunts to San Francisco and family visits within Canada since then.

Arrrgh... what a complainer I seem!

suze

There's no reason you HAVE to spend a ton of money on your trips. Maybe if you could convince him you've changed your ways about that piece, and are willing to do it more economically, it might reassure him?

bratsandbeer

I can understand completely your need to just go somewhere alone and wander around and not worry about where you will eat your next meal. Just to do what you want to do and when you want to do it.

Could you find someplace in the states that would offer what you would like to do? Perhaps your husband would feel more comfortable with that.

Do you think there is a chance your husband is worried because you are going back alone so soon after your other trip? He may be wondering what you find to do alone.

toedtoes

A couple options you might discuss with him:

1. Rather than doing a "big" trip to England now, perhaps something on the smaller side where "spending" may not be as big a part of the plan as just "relax" as recommended by your doctor;

2. How about a trip for the both of you, but suggest a few days in the beginning, middle, or end where you do your own thing? Maybe a 10-day trip for both of you to England, and then tack on an extra 4 days at the end for you to spend alone in Paris.

I would sit down with him and ask him directly WHY he isn't keen on your traveling alone. Then you can ask him to help you find a way to resolve that issue.

If it's the money, perhaps setting up a special checking account just for the trip (and you only spend what's in that account) would resolve his reluctance? Or perhaps scaling down your destination?

If it's the fear of losing your shared trips, perhaps discussing it would ease his mind or find an alternate solution - if he likes to golf, perhaps going on a trip together where he can golf every day and you go off and do your thing would be a good compromise.

ciaony

Here's what you do:
Get your doctor to write you a "prescription" for travel and advise your husband that it is most definitely against the law and certainly unwise to share a prescription with another user.

It's out of your hands.
There's nothing you can do about it.

bdjtbenson

And how would you feel when he annouces that he is planning a two-week vacation to Europe alone? Not because he doesn't like traveling with you, of course, just because he feels so much freer when he travels alone.

This is a relationship question. On first blush I'd say you're being selfish.

If your husband doesn't think you can afford it, can you? You may feel you "need" to go anyway. Maybe you can agree on some standards for when you can afford a trip (i.e. when our credit card balances get down to x, then we can plan a trip).

jsherry

When your husband in good mode and willing listen to you during dinner or any male time or lunch time then you can give your opinion simply and if he can arranged holiday or some days off then I hope he will be agree to go with you at long trip.
I think this is a simple thing for women prepared your beloved husband at their opinion.

Best of Luck

Sherry

Melissa5

taggie, I've been married for 26 years and here is my advice.

Always plan at least one important trip per year together. Make it something you both look forward to.

Occassionally...it's fair for EITHER one of you to take a trip alone, with the other's blessing...but not so much that it interferes with your marriage or your time together.

For example...my husband is a biologist, so he goes, with my blessing, on biology-oriented trips on his own...then he can focus 100% on biology.

But I have also gone on "girls" trips without him...with either my daughters or to visit cousins...

We always make our life together the first priority...our family vacations or our trips as a couple take priority...important events at home take priority...

If you want to go on a "little trip" on your own, like for a weekend, I bet your husband wouldn't mind. But I ask my husband to minimize the number of trips he will take where he will be gone for more than a week...so only a few times has he gone someplace like Africa or Morocco for example without me...for more than a week...he DOESN'T do that every year...

Good luck. I also suggest the two of you get some marriage counseling and figure out how you can get the right balance, even on vacation, between being totally free to do what you want to do...and being a couple.

Royal

Hi Taggie.

My husband has done 2 major solo trips over the past 10 years.

Both times he chose to go to places I wasn't particularly interested in travelling to so I didn't feel threatened by his wanting to do this.

However, if he had chosen to go to places I really wanted to see I know I would have felt different about it.

There is also the issue that if you have a travel fund it does seem rather selfish that one person is using it rather than both of you.

My advice would be to choose a place he is not interested in or have him join you somewhere after you have had a chance to be on your own for awhile. Somehow I think you have to make a compromise on this.

McAllister

I have to say that I would not be thrilled if my husband wanted to take a solo trip to Europe. However, if he had been having a rough time of it and wanted to take a few days to go golf or something else he would enjoy, I would probably understand a lot more. Like others have suggested, would a trip closer to home be possible? Maybe a spa or quiet place where you could relax just like the doctor ordered?

taggie

Some interesting and helpful suggestions... much appreciated.

But there are a couple of things I want to clear up.

We don't carry balances on our credit cards and I do have my own money saved. It's not a matter of having the money, it's more a matter of spending the money.

We both work in extremely high stress jobs; I am freelance and it's harder for me to predict when I can take time off. Generally fall/winter is better for me; my husband likes to take his holidays in the summer (this year he went on a couple of shorter golf trips). We usually try go to Europe every couple of years together when we can sort out the scheduling.

My husband HAS taken trips without me... work related, to be sure, but he often combines that with extra days in a location (Japan, etc) with the people he's working and travelling with. I've had the benefit of going along on a few of these too but he's had a number without me.

I'll freely admit that I've been jealous as stink when he's had the opportunity to go somewhere interesting.

I think he's probably worried that trips on my own will become my preference and he is feeling insecure about that. I do have some sympathy for the guy!

Even though we tended to bicker on previous trips, I've asked my Mom and Sis if either of them could come along but the timing isn't good (I do not understand why this would mollify anyone's concerns about a solo trip but then again I don't understand how guys' brains work sometimes).

I know I am being selfish. I think, in this case, it might be a bit justified. Work and family stresses have built up so that I'm almost at the breaking point and I really need time away.

ciaony - I DO have a prescription! My doctor wrote one out for me! She is quite adamant that I go away somewhere.

The only place in the US I want to visit is NYC... and I want to go there with my husband. Unfortunately I'm not a spa person or a "lie on the beach" type. Those types of vacations would up my stress level instead of decreasing it! Plus I don't want to waste money on a getaway like that - I'd rather save it for another trip to Europe, whenever that might come.

I'm not very conventional.

My husband told me last night that he wants me to take time off work and just stay at home for 2 weeks. That won't allow me to completely remove myself from the stresses that have brought me to this point, and isn't what the doctor ordered but I suppose it's my best option right now.

Arrrrgh! There's no hope! lol
Seriously, I think a counsellor may be in order. Thanks for all your input.

Kay2

To me it depends on more factors than we know from the post.

First, you know what caused your stressful time and why the Dr has suggested you either take time off from work and/or go somewhere (two different things). If work is the stress, then it would seem that anything away from work would be the remedy--even staying at home and working on some activity you like. If illness, then maybe it is rest, not a true vacation trip of which he would be envious that is needed.

After I have suffered through major stresses of illness, death, job loss, etc. I have benefited from a "recharge" trip. For me, this means getting away from my home, my family, and work to a natural place such as a mountain cabin, a national park lodge, a place where I can read, hike, relax, (cry if needed), and do a lot of thinking. I've done some as day trips when time was short, but I was at the end of my rope. While my husband has usually accompanied me on the multi-day trips, I could also see myself doing it on my own. Especially if I could plan it from one weekend through a week and the following weekend, with him joining me for the second weekend to enjoy the improved company. A spa might be an alternative for this type of recharge. If you have children, that may also may make it manageable to have some alone time without it being overwhelming for him.

If you are talking more about wanting to take a fun vacation trip and your husband has similar travel interests, then I see that as more of a conflict. I like leisure travel more than my husband, so he is OK with me taking trips without him to locations he is not particularly interested in, but I am not usually as generous unless he is travelling on work. He will be taking a trip next month to a high school reunion that I can't get off work for, so he is expanding it into a weeklong jaunt of people and places that he wants to visit and that's OK with me. Now, if he told me, sorry you have to work, but I'm going off to Europe without you to take a vacation just for fun, I would feel a bit left out.

Money can be a flash point. Hopefully, you and your husband have similar financial goals and shared philosophy or it will always be a conflict over something. What has worked for us is that we are both basically financially conservative, but we have different interests in how to spend money, so we first pay all the important shared stuff (housing, education, insurance, etc.), then keep some money separate for each to spend as we choose.

Kay2

I must have been posting while you were, Taggie. You've filled in many of the blanks.

So you want to get away from work and family stresses into an urban environment to do what you want when you want to do it--what types of activities are you looking for? Maybe there is a city near you (besides NYC) that you haven't explored that you can do inexpensively so you can still save for the next Europe trip while getting the urban escape you want. The types of cities I am thinking of with character, maybe the types of activities you are looking for (don't know what they are), and enjoyable solo are places like San Francisco or Charleston.

Or, how about an active getaway? You don't have to lie on the beach or in a spa (I wouldn't do that either), but someplace with outdoor activities to burn off that stress? Do you like hiking, bicycling, or other sports? A destination lodging with activities for you to choose among? But that wouldn't be in a city.

suze

If you want to go to London, that's what I'd try to do.

I don't see why traveling within the US, going to a spa, whatever, some of the other suggestions would be more tolerable to your husband.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he isn't keen on you going. That he's being left behind? He doesn't feel you have the money to spend? Understanding exactly what's his issue would be extremely helpful.

Tess_Durberville

Your Dr. wrote you a 'travel' prescription??? What I'd like to know is whether your medical insurance will cover a portion of the trip. Ah, wouldn't that be a treat!

Don't know whether England has any spa get-aways .... certainly you could explore serious R&R in Italy >>> http://www.spaseurope.net/Italy/Spas_Italy_main.htm