When in France...
 

NEWS AND INFORMATION FOR EXPATS IN FRANCE - 21 JANUARY 2005




French etiquette
The French have some very formal rules about manners and etiquette. Avoid embarrassment with this guide to the essentials.



Meeting people

The French shake hands almost whenever they meet, and always when meeting someone for the first time or for business. Arriving at work in the morning, it is quite common to greet colleagues with a handshake, and to shake hands again when leaving.


Greeting anyone familiar is also usually begun with a crisp handshake
Greeting anyone familiar — like a favourite restaurant waiter or a next-door neighbour — is also usually begun with a crisp handshake.

When colleagues know each other well, and in situations between friends, women will often greet each other, and male colleagues or friends, with a kiss on the cheek. Beware - don't take the first step if you are uncertain, but be ready to embrace!

The choice of vous and tu to say "you" in French is confusing, and sometimes very subtle. But a simple rule is that the more intimate tu is only employed amongst family and friends. It is common for work colleagues to say tu, but wait until someone else does it first.

Socialising


An aperitif is usually sipped and stops at two
A common way of getting to know someone is to have a drink together. But the French are not into bar binges, and an aperitif is usually sipped and stops at two.
Wine accompanies dinner and never replaces it, and a glass is filled to three-quarters, never to the brim.

Dinner guests are expected to bring a gift, however modest, and this is usually a bottle of wine, flowers, or a pre-agreed desert or cheese dish. The French keep their arms above the table, not in their lap.

Essential formalities

While people in France can sometimes appear to behave impolitely, the use of polite form in language is sacrosanct. When addressing a stranger, always add Monsieur or Madame, as in Excusez-moi, madame if asking directions.


When writing any formal letter it is usual to end with a declaration of respect
A typical gesture of politeness, which becomes the opposite if you don't apply it, is to let another person pass through a door first, and a man always gives way to a woman. If someone gives way to you, it is common to thank them or say pardon. Asking pardon is often a devalued term, and can be used in restrained anger, as when you move someone out of your way.

The French may be proud of being republicans, but they still love titles! All sorts of people, and especially politicians, expect their position to be recognised. When addressing the local mayor, it is usual to say Monsieur (or Madame) le maire. A policeman is Monsieur l'agent.

> Arriving at work in the morning, it is quite common to greet colleagues with a handshake, and to shake hands again when leaving.

This part seems an exaggeration to me.

Way back when, while working in Paris - I was forever amazed by the amount of time spent (wasted?) each morning shaking hands with everyone in the office, not to mention the air kisses !
I was convinced we could have increased productivity by at least 10% by just limiting the daily greeting to a simple "Comment ça va?" at the water cooler...

-Kevin

An exaggeration in what sense? The fact is, it is true.

I live in the country in France and I've gotten to know my pharmacist, who is married to a Scotsman and whose name is Mme Smith. She is French. When I go to the pharmacy, as I did today, she always shakes hands with me as a greeting. Very nice.

You're not kidding! When someone would come in late for our youth meeting, everything would pause while that person went around to 'faire la bise' (air kiss) with every single person in the room!

That’s nothing

Here in Puebla (Mexico) everybody air kisses everybody, it's very uncomfortable. Even people you have just met.
I feel uncomfortable because air kissing (I think) is for people I have familiarity with, not with everybody from the CEO to the shoe shiner.

I prefer a firm Handshake, it feels more respectful.

and don't get me started on the sloppy wet air kisser... arghhh

<< When addressing a stranger, always add Monsieur or Madame, as in Excusez-moi, madame if asking directions. >>

The question I've had is how to tell who to call Madame, and who to call mademoiselle.

It never seems to fail that the people working in shops are young women/girls, and I don't want to offend anybody. When in doubt, would it be better to err on the side of calling a young girl Madame, or vice versa?

I think as I get a little older, everybody looks really young to me!:)

Futher to Ken's observation: We frequently dine at restaurants in the country. It's common for folks who are entering or leaving to recognize the other diners (whether they know them or not) with a brief "Messieurs, mesdames." Very nice, we think.

My longtime work environment is part Angolophone and part French. Yes, the French all shake hands with each other every day. The Americans, even those who've been in France for decades, don't with each other or the French. But in keeping with republican principles, everyone is the familiar "tu" rather than formal "vous." As for productivity, when the French get down it, they can outwork the Americans!

Dave, that's one of the things I love about France, people will greet you as they pass you on a path and when dining they will say goodbye to you on their leaving.

I think the kissing thing is something I just can't oblige. I've friends in New York, some of whom are Europeans, and some of whom are Europhiles, and some of whom, well, just like to kiss. I'm always terribly uncomfortable, and I always apologize that I can't oblige. It's a running joke among my friends and me -- I'm the guy who can't do social kisses.

When I try I always seem to bang my head into something I shouldn't be banging it into -- and do you do this on the right or left or both, etc.? I just can't do it.

I need to take lessons. :-)

111op, you need to read my trip report, "French Kissing in Avignon." It has complete directions about how to do social kissing. :"> I will admit to the same trepidation about it as you!

I like the French custom of greeting the sales people when you enter and saying "thank you and goodbye" when you exit shops. I wish we did that here, too. It makes the whole shopping experience so much nicer.

<< When I go to the pharmacy, as I did today, she always shakes hands with me as a greeting.>> A lot of people go to the pharmacy BECAUSE they are sick, so I guess she must wash up before touching the pills?

"The question I've had is how to tell who to call Madame, and who to call mademoiselle."

I am waiting for the answer to this too. What is the earliest age one would be called "madame?" Of course, one needs to be cautious - the long-haired blonde with her back to me in the shop who I addressed as "madame" turned and was very obviously male!! Fortunately, we both laughed over my mistake.

Thanks dln. I remember the title but I forgot to read it. I just pulled it up and fast-forwarded to the "kiss" bit. Very funny.

Now, which cheek first though? :-)

There's something about the French that's just very interesting. Your story about the kissing reminds me of a story that Gopnik wrote about in "Paris to the Moon," in which he asked what "le choix du roi" really means. As Gopnik recounts, when he asked a cab driver, the driver stopped completely to deliver a "lecture" on the origin of the phrase.

It's fascinating, I think, that these random people all have definite opinions and stories they're eager to tell you -- they seem to know everything! :-)

Greeting people when you go in and out -- I'm slowly learning this also.

I liked the greetings in France when shopping. 'Beats a clerk here saying, "Have a wonderful ... fabulous ... fantastic day" and never making eye contact.

This is slightly off topic, but about kissing ~

My Swiss friends LOVE to kiss. They kiss 3 times, R cheek first. And their Swiss friends LOVE to kiss too. Every time when I go over for a party, it literally takes 15 minutes just to say goodbye because it takes so long to kiss everyone THREE times!

I think three is the friendly number. If I ever attempt this, I think that once is enough for me. Maybe it's a NY thing too -- do people in France ever just do one kiss?

In the US, someone will ask a shopkeeper/salesclerk to do something, they might say," Oh, Miss? Can I see this..."Whether they are young, old or married.
In France, it seems that all women get the courtesy of Madame which might be more to their liking than Mademoiselle/Miss..

In Provence, my French friends give me four but so do my friends in Normandy(and I was told before I visited there for the first time that the people of Nornmandy were sullen and never laugh)

Kevin wrote "I was convinced we could have increased productivity by at least 10% by just limiting the daily greeting to a simple "Comment ça va?" at the water cooler..."

In my experience, the usual daily greeting dialogue in France was as follows (preceded by air kissing or hand shaking as appropriate):

"Ca va?"
"Ca va. Ca va?"
"Ca va"

Repeat as per number of colleagues to be greeted.

I was in Cahors this past summer and asked a french lady which term was more proper - madame or mademoiselle. Her answer to me was that it was always safer to address a woman as mademoiselle since I wouldn't know if they were married or not. The madame salutation is for married women. (like Mrs. versus Miss).

Cigale -

I sure you have experienced the micro-climates in Provence, but were you aware of the micro-kissing-climates. It seems as if the number of kisses can literally vary from village to village. In St. Saturnin, it is 3 times without fault. In the south of the Luberon, it is two times. In Aix, often four. I was used to Paris, where it is two times (plus ou moins) because everyone is in such a rush. At first in St. Saturnin, I had the tendancy to leave people hanging in mid-air waiting for kiss #3. Luckily I could always fall back on the fact that I am just a completely uncultured American !!

-Kevin

>...when the French get down it, they can outwork the Americans!<

Now, them's fightin' words.

I propose that "Work" be made part of the Olympic Movement.

Hational teams will engage in events such as:

Telephone solicitation
Report writing
Real estate sales
Computer programming
Ditch digging
Streetsweeping

((I))

It's a small point but I don't agree it is better to say mademoiselle than madame, when in doubt.

Madame is a term denoting, variously, the dignity of: professional achievement, social rank, age -- or marital status.

A woman may have any of the first three without the fourth.

Even here in Canada, Madame would be the usual address of, say, a female Cabinet Minister, even though everyone might know she is unmarried.

If in genuine doubt, Madame is the more flattering choice, IMO.

UK counterpart: All domestic cooks were, and perhaps still are, addressed as "Mrs."

Ira,

A French vs. American Olympic-style "work-off" is a great idea! 'Course, there'd have to be negotiations on the tasks and so on. The negotiating teams could be put up at the Hotel de Crillon, like the American negotiators during the Vietnam-era Paris peace talks. (Our friend Pierre, who was a U.S. State Department translator at the time, said he was not all that troubled that the negotiations dragged on.)

Kevin, true, but my friends in Provence, Loire, Poitiers, Normandy give me four and it delights me :)

Far be it for me to interfere in one's delights !!!

Gros Bisous,
Kevin

If invited to someone's house, I would not bring anything that is intended as part of the meal, including wine. The host and hostess have organized the meal and the drinks that come with it. Flowers are usually safe, as well as some type of confiserie that clearly might or might not come after dessert. I sometimes bring wine, or a foie gras, but only to very good friends who understand that I do not always wish to follow standard customs, and they in turn will not necessarily open the wine.

kiss, kiss, back to you, Kevin
Michael, To close friends we always bring wine and pastis, as we all drink alot of it and they are not rich, others who have entertained us may have their own wine cellar and our pocketbook choice would pale so like one time I brought a bottle of Fenelon back from the Dordogne. And maybe to Normandy bring a bottle of Frigolet from Provence.