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Scooterr Dec 26th, 2001 11:14 AM

What to do about those who want to travel with you and you don't want them to??? Help me!!
Well, a couple of years ago we invited a couple to go with us to Amsterdam for a week. When they asked if their child (5 years at that time) could come along, we said we had planned an adult trip (we have no children and all adults are mid-forties). At the last minute, they booked their child for the trip. We gritted our teeth and did some things with them and some without and actually the trip was fine (not as expected, but still a really good time). <BR><BR>Now we're planning another Europe trip and they found out thru mutual friends. They asked to go along. We said, politely, that we wanted to do this trip alone expressing. They are now pushing for our itenerary and we're just being quite and making excuses.<BR><BR>In the meantime, some other friends will happen to be in Florence at the same time as us and we're meeting them for the afternoon and dinner. Not the entire trip. They found out.<BR><BR>We've just stopped seeing them and inviting, but seem to sometimes show up at the same place (mutual friends). We've explained THREE times that we prefer the trip alone.<BR><BR>They've even said they would take their children (they now have a small baby).<BR><BR>It's getting embarrassing and tiresome. At this point we're giving no one our estimated travel plans for fear they'll just book at the same time. <BR><BR>Time to be rude to them??? Just ignore their insistence??? Write a letter explaining our feelings??? We haven't told anyone else because it seems inappropriate. <BR><BR>As a side note, we're not opposed to children by any means. Just some trips are for children and some are for adults. We tried to be honest with them.<BR><BR>What to do?????<BR><BR>Thanks in advance and sorry for the rambling...

Esmerelda Dec 26th, 2001 11:23 AM

Dear Scooter,<BR>Here's my advice. If you've been married to each other for a while, tell them you're making this trip a 2nd honeymoon. You wouldn't mind meeting them for a lunch or dinner if you're in the same town, but want to focus on the spouse as much as possible, recharge the old batteries, nod, nod, wink, wink., etc. <BR><BR>If you're part of a younger crowd & haven't been married that long, tell 'em this is your "conception vacation" (even if it isn't), and the accent during this trip is sex, sex, sex and more sex with your spouse. If they can't take a hint from either of these, consider a hammer to the head (yours or theirs!).<BR>Best of luck,<BR>Esme & Quasi

Duke Dec 26th, 2001 11:28 AM

Why do you let these people push you around? Just tell them you are going alone! Are they afraid of Europe? Anyone that wants to take a newborn to Europe is an idiot anyway. People will only take advantage of people that allow them to. JUST SAY NO!

mimi taylor Dec 26th, 2001 11:34 AM

Buy your tickets, book your rooms, don't say what airline, which hotel.<BR>Many years ago when I made a solo trip to France, A co worker insisted on coming, but when I told her I'd be biking village to village(A LIE) she backed off. Remember, THIS IS YOUR TRIP!

i'vebeentheretoo Dec 26th, 2001 11:36 AM

Perhaps a letter would be a good idea. But by all means do not give in. My sister-in-law barged her way into to hubby's & my trip to the U.K. a few years ago and it was a total disaster. The entire trip ended up being her vacation dictating where & what places she wanted to go. We too thought she would give up after the suttle hints but it didn't work. Save yourself! Yes maybe a very nice letter telling them that you enjoy their friendship but you would like to be alone with your husband should be enough. Do stand firm! Good luck.

elaine Dec 26th, 2001 11:40 AM

I'll tell you what someone I know has done, in a very similar situation. It avoids having to lie, or being caught in lies.<BR>Just give those who ask the information on your itinerary they are asking for, and state clearly that you are planning this trip to be on your own. And say that if it turns out they are traveling at the same time and in the same place, it would be lovely to meet for a drink or dinner some night, but they shouldn't count on you ahead of time. If while you are there they try to reserve some of your time that you don't want to spend with them, just smile and say you are sorry but you've already made other plans for that night (even if your plans are an evening alone), or<BR>you're going to have a very busy day and you don't want to make any plans at all for the evening.<BR>IMO if others can't accept or handle this sort of <BR>polite honesty, then it is more their problem than yours.

Thyra Dec 26th, 2001 11:50 AM

Goodness, while I appreciate that you don't want to loose a friendship etc. For most people a European trip is a big expense, a big adventure, in short a very personal time. You should not, under ANY circumstances allow anyone else to latch on to your trip!!! <BR>According to your email you spent your last trip "gritting your teeth" <BR>Frankly, Europe is far too expensive for me to allow ANYONE to make me "grit my teeth" even for a half an hour.<BR>All of the messages above offer good advice and as Ann Landers often advises:<BR>If someone takes advantage of you once SHAME ON THEM.<BR>If someone takes advantage of you twice<BR>SHAME ON YOU.<BR>Good luck!

Robin Dec 26th, 2001 12:41 PM

Maybe this is too generous, and you certainly shouldn't get into a situation that you don't want to be in, BUT: Is it possible that they are afraid of the prospect of planning a trip, yet have dreams of going, and are therefore trying to latch on to your trip? If you think this might be a possibility, and if you like the people well enough to try to be nice, perhaps you could say something like, "We are quite sure that we want this trip to be on our own, but if this is someplace you are interested in, when I return I'd LOVE to help you plan a vacation there (next summer, year, century...whatever)" My point is that anyone who is that insistent on going where you apparently don't want them to go has some sort of issues, so maybe he/she is just petrified of planning a trip on their own. I can think of a friend of mine whom I feeel sure feels this way, although this person has never pushed as hard as your friend.<BR><BR>Of course none of this is worth your trouble if the relationship is not a close one. If it's just an acquaintance with bad manners, be tough and don't give an inch! You certainly deserve the trip of YOUR dreams.

vicki Dec 26th, 2001 12:58 PM

I learned the hard way that you can't let people hi-jack your vacation. I won't go into details but suffice it to say I will never let it happen again even if it means offending someone. Tell them straight out that you have a very busy trip planned and that you don't have time in your schedule to accomodate anyone else. If they are offended by it then I would say it is their problem. Don't make it yours. I know this may sound harsh but as I said I learned the hard way.

Holly Dec 26th, 2001 01:16 PM

Print out this thread and mail it to them.

Robin Dec 26th, 2001 01:30 PM

Quick thinking, Holly-- I like it!

Leslie Dec 26th, 2001 01:33 PM

People love to talk about their vacation plans before departure -- I know I do. I've been in the same situation twice and both vacations turned out to be not what they were planned to be, and certainly not even close to my planned expectations. <BR><BR>My two suggestions, don't share any information about your vacation plans until after you have returned or else, when people ask where you are going on vacation, tell them either downtown Newark (no offense to any of you in the great garden state of NJ -- I was born there) or else to visit your in-laws.

Elizabeth Dec 26th, 2001 01:52 PM

I agree with everyone who says don't give an inch. In your position I would not want to lay eyes on them. I would resent having to have lunch or dinner with them during my trip, because just having the plan in place would cause me a low level of tension during planning, traveling, etc., as I would be very angry at them for being insistent.<BR><BR> I would just tell them that you need to spend all your time alone apart from your afternoon with the whosits.<BR><BR> Somebody wanted to go to the same place I was going when I didn't want to do incorporate her presence into my trip; I told her that it's important to me to have some trips where I do not have anyone I know along with me, and that this was one of them, so if she did go to the same destination she should know that I would be involved in having my "traveling alone" experience and would not be available to go places or eat with her.<BR>

boo Dec 27th, 2001 04:54 AM

If you lack the gumption to be honest and frank, try this: Tell your friends that ONE of you has just ended a disastrous affair and that you need the time together to repair the damage. I guarantee you that your "friends" will no longer be interested in your vacation. Their attention will be riveted elsewhere. The potential for mischievous fun will keep you both smiling for the entire trip.<BR><BR>You're welcome.

Jody Dec 27th, 2001 06:57 AM

The next time the subject comes up:<BR><BR>"Oh, dear, look, Lucy. It's become very obvious that you really would like to come along on this trip, and we did enjoy our times with you on the last one. But we're reserving this trip just for ourselves, no friends (except for that one dinner someone mentioned to you). But otherwise it's just Scooter and Buzz, no one else, no friends, no relatives, no kids. Just us -- I had really counted on you to understand that and I'm sorry if it wasn't clearer to you from the beginning so there wouldn't be any hurt feelings.<BR><BR>"But you know what I think? I think you really want to go on a trip like this really badly and I really think you and Ricky should plan one of your own SOON. If we find some great places along the way, I'll take notes and bring back recommendations. I promise to tell you all about it when we get back."<BR><BR>

Soddoff Dec 27th, 2001 07:00 AM

What's wrong with telling them that they are making you very uncomfortable every time they bring up the subject and could we please talk about something else?

Doug Dec 27th, 2001 07:02 AM

To follow up on Robin's comment, you could also recommend they try an escorted tour of Europe (if they're afraid to travel alone).

Meg Dec 27th, 2001 08:57 AM

Scooter, I feel for you. But, true friends would not drag their child along at the last minute when you had expressed it was an adults-only trip. That's just rude. I think Jody's reply is the best way to handle it. Straight-forward and honest. Why should you have to lie to them just to take a vacation? You should not be feeling badly about any of this, nor having to worry later about covering your tracks of a lie. And you shouldn't have to explain ANYTHING to them about meeting someone for dinner while in Europe. It's just dinner! If you were at home would you call them up to get pre-approval of your dinner plans with other friends? I doubt it! So, why should your itinerary be of ANY concern to them? If they can't handle the truth or refuse to listen that's really their problem. I think you are a very good friend to be so concerned about their feelings. They need to respect that you want to take a vacation with your spouse/partner alone.<BR><BR>Now, with all that being said, if you do explain it to them, and they still ask for your itinerary I would be VERY vague. Tell them you want to just see where the things take you and not be locked into any specific hotels on specific days. That should help to keep them from showing up unexpectedly.<BR><BR>Good luck!!<BR><BR>Good luck!!

Patty Dec 27th, 2001 01:46 PM

There are some people who just don't get the hint and while you sound like a nice person - nice doesn't seem to cut it with your friends. They actually sound extremely self centered and interested only in their own comfort and don't give a thought to yours. I liked the suggestion above about saying it's your second honeymoon but if that doesn't work I'd bite the bullet and ask her what part of "no" she doesn't understand.

fiona Dec 27th, 2001 01:58 PM

you must let us know how you solved your problem!!!!

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