Travel Weasel Words-A Translation
 

OK, it is Friday and the Ferrari won't be out of the shop until this afternoon so please contribute your input..."experts" ONLY, please..

List your own travel weasel word and its ACTUAL meaning:

Charming - Definitely needs a decorator, and fast

Cozy - so small you can hardly turn around much less bend over to unpack the suitcase you had to leave on the floor

Chic - Paris Hilton passed by about two weeks ago but didn't go in

Hip - Madonna use to go there until they found out the truth about her

Must-See - The place you go when you want to impress them back at the office

Must-Do - When you lack imagination and are too cheap to buy your own guidebook

Touristy - Where you can afford to go but you pretend you wouldn't bother

Divine - Where you can't afford to go but you'll mortgage the house to stay there anyway

So Five Minutes Ago - Tuscany

So Ten Minutes Ago - South Ken

So Fifteen Minutes Ago - Being "banned" from Fodors and making sure everyone hears about it

Oh, this is such fun.

Those who write travel advertising pieces are postgraduates of the real-estate school of copywriting.

See -- means we drive by but don't stop.

Tour -- means you are on your own.

Taste -- means you pay for the meal.

Visit -- means the bus slows down.

Get in touch with your past -- means we drive by a cemetery.

Linger -- means you are so tired you wish you were in the cemetery.

Restful -- means you are in the cemetery.

Seaside -- means be sure to bring binoculars to you can see the beach.

Ancient culture --means nobody ever heard of this place.

Ruins -- see "ancient culture"

The past comes alive -- means we arrive at 3 a.m.

authentic - so bad, nobody would think to try to reproduce it

quaint - everyone in this village drools like that

souvenir - don't worry, the doctor will have a prescription for that rash

In France:

Beaucoup de charme - falling down with paper thin walls, no perceivable renovation since pre 1945

Maison rénovée - house has indoor plumbing

salle à manger rustique - garden shed where they serve the breakfast

"Eiffel Tower view" - climb on chair, open window, lean out with partner holding legs, hold hand mirror 'just so' and see the top 1/4 of the tower

"Lively neighborhood" - non-stop traffic, thumping bar music, loud drunken laughter/singing at 3am

"Truly a land of contrasts" - there's a Macdonald's in the cathedral and no-one picks up the litter.

"to die for" - if you must count your change, don't step into the traffic to do it

"the discerning traveller" - me, possibly you, but certainly not them

bravo to all of you! =D> so true!
more more!

"Glamorous nightlife" - she doesn't wear much
"Exotic nightlife" - he doesn't wear much, and most of what he does wear is hers anyway

"thought-provoking" - I can't think what to say
"challenging" - Get me out of here!

So Twenty Minutes Ago: continuing to mock as well as revive the information about people having been banned

Thriving tourist economy:
Lots of fake Prada bags being sold on the streets in front of the cathedral

Continental breakfast: a piece of yesterday's baguette along with tomorrow's ripe fruit

Coffee: brown sludge in a tiny cup, without incurring the expense of offering cream to make it drinkable

Tourist menu: Whatever the locals won't eat

Hours of admission: Show up then, we'll be closed and we'll all be laughing at you

"waterview"...see post by Travelnut re Eiffel Tower. Best accomplished from roof.

Regional Cuisine: Pig’s ears and a horse’s head.

Laid back: Lazy.

Challenging: bloody horrible

Traditional: Old fashioned

Fiercely Traditional: Old fashioned and bigoted.

Cutting Edge: You won’t understand a word.

Architect designed: Funny looking.

Boutique hotel: The furniture doesn’t match

Traditional English Breakfast: 3,000 calories of saturated fat first thing in the morning.

Cocktail bar: Expensive pub.

Radical: Nothing works

Traditionally built: Wattle and daub with faulty plumbing

Family run: They will hate you for being in their house.

Catering to a discerning clientele: Bloody pricey

Ethnic delicacies: Testicles

Locally brewed: tastes of ewe’s pee.

Not conventionally attractive: Ugly

Young British Artist: Untalented

Underground: Willfully obscure

Bohemian: Gay

Picturesque-Ghastly

Picturesque: needs paint

Pied a terre: peed on the carpet

Fluent: uses hands

Gourmet: tastes strange

French phone: stick it in your ear

Doctor on call: see "French phone"

Generous: on your part, that is

Experienced staff: hired last week

Cuisine: rhymes with latrine

Guest lecturer: anyone here understand Hindi?

Spicey: quick! water!!!

Temples and palaces: lots of mice

Temples and jungles: lots of monkeys

Freelance: works cheap

Local airlines: get ready to walk

Equivalent: not likely, not at all

Family-run: don't anwer the knock at midnight

Bags out at 7: so we can go through them

Leisurely pace: guide wants to sleep

Nature preserve: weeds over a dump

Native costumes: old clothes

Farewell banquet: at long last!

Ballet Folklorica (sp?) -- "dancers" wear "historically local" costumes moving to a) recorded folk tunes b) someone pounding on a drum

Perfect love nest: the bed takes up the entire hotel room/apartment

From France:

Close to public transportation = you can smell the metro from your hotel

continental breakfast = Tang, crumbs, enough faux marmalade to cover your fingertip, a thimble of coffee

ancien regime = De Gaulle slept here

eau minerale = Oi veh, tap water

roux = library paste

carte blanche = we gotcha

Ugly American = Someone who you are embarrassed of back home too.

Masterpiece = Even people who don't know about art have heard of this one.

Must reside in France to purchase = As long as you aren't wearing a George W. Bush shirt, it's yours.

U.S. Dollars accepted = We still use the exchange rate from 1970.

Controversial = The owners were collaborators during the war.

Minutes from central Paris = Near CDG runways

Minutes from central Amsterdam = Rotterdam

Minutes from central London = Brixton

European Charm = Rick Steves loves us

Tourist Favorite = Impossibly crowded from 10AM until 4PM

Fastest growing economy in (region) = We are the poorest country in (region)

Everyone speaks English (everywhere but Holland) = No one speaks English well enough for you to understand it

Everyone speaks English (Holland) = The Dutch language is a hoax

Politically stable = Dictatorship

No flash photography = Everyone uses flash but you

Easy transfer between lines = You'll need to be Spider-Man to make the transfer on time

Change at Chatelet = I don't know how to get there

Sophisticated = Topless

World-Famous = Not as good as what's in London or Paris

Former Royal = Falling apart (if republic), Hideously expensive (if monarchy)

World-Class = About as good as what's in Minneapolis

Beach = Some sandy pebbles next to the road

Daring = Raunchy

Local art scene = Not good enough for London

Swarms of dangerous youths in area = Muslim Teenagers hanging out nearby

Troubled criminal youths in area = Muslim Teenagers flirting nearby

Student protests = Full-blown rioting by white middle-class kids

Open-Minded = Drugs available

Very Open-Minded = Hookers, too

Liberated = Gay hookers as well

Free-Spirited = Also a new age shop

Crossroads of = Not the biggest city in the area

University Town = Nothing else here

Seaside village = Stinks of fish

Historic = You have never heard of the people or events that transpired here

Historically preserved = On the left: car park. On the right: McDonalds

Romantic = Sleazy

Famous Red Light District = Sad sex shops and lame bars that would shock only a maiden aunt from 1963

First-Class = Expensive but poor quality

Cliche = The one thing everyone comes to the city to see

Tourist Trap = Chain only foreigners go to

Local charm = Chain that families from other cities in the same country go to

Unknown = In Rick Steves 2005, not Rick Steves 2004

Undiscovered country = Third world hellhole

For backpackers = Your stuff will be stolen

Backpackers welcome = Drugs available

Diverse = This is where the Turkish guest workers live

Many strong traditional cultures = Ethnic civil war

Extraordinary changes since 1945 = Area actively supported Hitler

Extraordinary changes since 1989 = There are still plenty of Stalin fans here

Fascinating = We are begging you to visit