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Travel addicts, how can I compromise with a husband who does not care for travel??

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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:21 AM
  #21
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
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Seems, with him, it's "heads I win, tails you lose".
Is this his idea of a compromise, a two-headed coin?
Would he (and you) be open to alternate years? One year for Pebble Beach, etc., the next year for Portugal?
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:33 AM
  #22
 
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We are the same way. I love to travel and my husband likes it at home.When our daughter was little we didn't have much extra money for traveling so it wasn't an issue. But now that she is all grown up and we have some extra money for travel it was one.My husband doesn't care if I go, just so long as he doesn't have to.I have been to Austrailia with my sister, and South Africa with my daughter. My husband did go to Alaska with me,as that was the one place he did want to see.I always ask him first if he wants to go,but if the answer is no,I will find someone to go with.It works out better for both of us as he is happier and not complaining the whole time that he is being made to do something he hates to do.And I am not resentful that I am missing out on a travel experience that I have been dreaming about.

I am taking my first trip to San Antonio with a womens travel club in Sept..I think it will be a lot of fun.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:40 AM
  #23
 
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Drummer, you do have a problem...

Marriage is not one way street, both partners should be equal even though sometimes you must compromise , but not always.
Honestly I dont know what to tell you, but he seems to me that he is quite selfish and think only of
himself..

Good luck,
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:42 AM
  #24
 
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It seems to me that he is the one who is not interested in meeting you halfway on this. Please excuse me, but he sounds as if he has to be 100% in control. Why is it that you both have to agree to do what HE wants to do? Approach him with, okay, one year we will spend the money the way you choose to, and then the next year, we get to do it my way. If he refuses to compromise, then you have two options, either to travel on your own, or agree to live your life as he sees fit. Since you have your own good job, I think that you are entitled to spend at least part of it as you wish. You know, you are only 26, and now is not the time for you to have to give up your dreams.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:48 AM
  #25
 
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....sounds a little similar to my situation. My husband and I are 26 and 28 and I have been to Europe (with him) and many times without him - only to the same one place visiting family.
I want to go to other places, but my husband gets worried about money. He says that Europe is so expensive, and we can't afford it yet. I mean, he wants to go, and we don't spend much money on luxeries...he's just a little too cautious when it comes to that.
I told him that the vacation coming up in october should be italy for 2 weeks. He agreed, but then last week, he said we should spend 1 week on a beach in mexico and 1 week exploring the jungle....sounds awesome...but I think Itly would be better

Well, reagarding your dilema drummer0002, what can I say - if the 2 of you knew this before you got married, then it shouldn't be much of a surprise. Sorry to sound harsh, but my husband and I always talked about how great it woiuld be when we can travel travel travel....I just don't think I'm as cautious with money as he is.

Pick 1 place you really want to go to, and show him books, pictures. What is it about this place that makes you want to visit it so bad? Is it the food? art? architecture? nature? shopping? family? Maybe showing him how pationate you are about something, will give him that drive to want to take you there....worth a try!
Good luck to you.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:49 AM
  #26
 
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Dear drummer0002,if your husband does not enjoy traveling,why force him? If he hates it,he will ruin your vacation too.It is really not worth it.I have the same dillemma,even though we traveled together 4 times (literally)- and we have been married for 20 years.
I usually go with girlfriend or with my daughter.I feel free to go anywhere,anytime and finally shop!Do not tell me that some husbands/boyfriens will wait for hours for dearest love to try on 10 pairs of shoes!Would you be happy to wait and waste hours of precious vacation time? - Exactly...Last time I went on Med cruise without DH (with my daughter)and we had a great time even though I wish he was with me.After the cruise I was talking constantly with my friends and family about Europe,and Venice and this and that and guess what?Seeing me so pleased with my vacation while he stayed home,he agreed right away to go together this year.I guess,he's got jealous!Do not threathen him,it will only make him more stubborn.Instead,pretend you will be happy to go with or without him and have somebody to tell all your travel stories.Make sure your DH is listening to it.Maybe he will get interested!
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Jul 16th, 2004, 11:52 AM
  #27
 
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He doesn't want her to travel without him either, he said married couples should only travel together and that is what puts the crimp in her plans.

You have a dilemma, drummer, better drum some sense into his head or you will live a woebegotten life.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:02 PM
  #28
 
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At the risk of stating the obvious, you could take a trip by yourself (lots of people go solo) or with a friend or relative who enjoys traveling or by joining a tour group.

Regardless of the fact your husband believes that "couples should not go on vacation separately" that is merely his opinion, not a fact. For example, my sister has been happily married for 27 years and she and her husband often go their separate ways (on vacation) because their hobbies and interests are very different.

If it is important to you, and it sounds like it is, or if his controlling dynamic influences your life in other ways too, I would suggest counseling because this does not sound like a 50/50 marriage.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:04 PM
  #29
 
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"How can I compromise" is from your title. One sided compromise is called giving in and no one should have to about something that's important to you.

It is sounding a lot like counseling, which I am in no way qualified for. But, a thought. If he's not hearing how important this is to you, see if he can give you a solution to the problem. That may open his eyes to what's wrong with his logic. As it stands, it sounds like he has you in a bit of a corner and is only seeing it in pieces, as it makes sense to him.

One thought: Ask him what the compromise is. "I know you enjoy golf (whatever) more than anything else and that it makes you happy. I want to make sure that you have the chance to do that. Likewise, I feel that way about exploring new places. I'd like you to tell me how we can both do what we love most. I think we both deserve that, don't you?".

With some luck, it kinda puts the ball in his court and hopefully gets you a partner in compromise. Just a layperson's ramblings. A professional's ramblings may be a better solution.

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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:06 PM
  #30
 
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Married couples should never be joined at the hip. I don't know how you change his thinking, but that doesn't mean you have to do it his way. My guy has neither the time nor the money to travel with me so I find a good travel-loving friend to go with me. Nothing worse than having a complaining companion to drag around the world. You are right to try to do this now before you have children because, although travel with kids can be done, it certainly adds a whole other dimension to the trips. Now, just what would happen if you went with your aunt? His reaction would tell you a lot more about your marriage than just how much or how little he likes to travel.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:14 PM
  #31
 
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Clifton, I think your proposal is excellent - it's not aggressive, it's about opening it up find a solution that keeps both partners happy.

Palette, I'm with you. Marriage does not mean merging of two people into one, it means that a commitment of two INDIVIDUALS to each other. Whilst I occasionally refer to my husband as my other half I emphatically do NOT consider us as ONE entity. When we met my husband wasn't into travel - purely because he'd never really experienced it. Coming from a large and fairly traditional family their holidays were always UK based. When we met he joined me on several trips and enjoyed them immensely. Whilst he will probably never have quite the obsessive compulsion to travel that I have he understands my desire to travel often and joins me on MOST trips.

BUT neither of us have any problem with the other doing things on their own according to interests we don't share and also just to spend time with our other family members/ friends. I've been to France with just my sister, and just with a girl friend. I'm taking my mum away for a weekend to Cornwall next month. I went to Kenya with my dad a few months back. Pete has been to long weekends in the UK with fellow PC Gamers.

You are married. You are committed. You enjoy each other's company. That doesn't mean you must change until you are identical to each other and if you agree with that and retain your separate interests then it makes sense to support each other in those interests, sometimes by going along with your partner even if it wouldn't be your number one choice, and sometimes by encouraging them to do it without you.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:21 PM
  #32
 
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I agree that married couples w/o kids should vacation together. I also agree that before you have the kids, you should travel as much as possible (afterwards too, but the expense is much more).

To square that circle, you need to get him to SMARTEN UP. The fact is that going to Daytona or the Keys is a weekend jaunt for Floridians, necessitating only a hop in the car or a short plane trip, not something as special as the "annual vacation" that we Americans get too little of and like to plan in advance.

There may be other issues here -- like if you're the 26, maybe you married young and didn't know him that well; or if you're the 33 there are other issues, especially considering the maturity of a man 7 years younger (I'd know about male immaturity -- I'm generally only 85% as mature as my younger fiancee on a good day). Whatever consideration you put into those issues is your own. Until that is dealt with, however, you need to jointly prioritize: overpriced clothes OR golf outings and a weekend or two in the Keys OR Daytona in exchange for DrummerGetsHerEuropeanVacay.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:26 PM
  #33
 
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Wow! and I thought I was the only one. Compromise was the solution for us. Kids were gone, money wasn't an object and I wanted to go to London and Paris and I wanted him with me. I simply love to be with him and wanted to share the experience with him. Well after many unpleasant conversations, I realized that he has always wanted an RV so I bought him a second hand one and now I tow him around Europe and he tows me around the U.S. Also on the Europe trips, I always include some things I know he would enjoy and have also found that it helps if we separate a few afternoons and go our own way. He has loved all our trips and we have wonderful memories.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:36 PM
  #34
 
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My husband found the travel bug after I went without him. The next year I told him my vacation plans and said I would need to know by May if he planned to joiin me. He did and has enjoyed traveling ever since.
The bummer of his new found adventerous spirit is that we no longer have someone home to watch the dogs.
Be careful what you wish for and give your aunt a call.
(Just kidding, I love traveling with the hubby.)
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:37 PM
  #35
 
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I was in a similar situation. I love traveling, my husband is only so-so on it and not big on going and DOING things when we go somewhere.

After a couple of years of being frustrated, I gave up.

I now travel with my mom or friends, and if I have to, will go alone. When he can, he joins us.

Works for us.

(Similar thing: we're both 28, no kids, married 4 years)
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:40 PM
  #36
 
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Now we're talking about something I know a great deal about! My husband simply will not travel, and for many years I stayed home to make him happy. When I turned 45, I told him I was going to Europe solo, and to my surprise, he agreed. I have traveled to Europe every other year since. Would go more often, but we simply can't afford it. I love traveling solo -- if he were to go, he'd be miserable, and that would ruin my trip.

We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, and my gift from him is a wonderful solo trip to Wales. I'll be leaving September 3rd. I'm so excited!
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:42 PM
  #37
 
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PS I realise I didn't make clear - I DO think couples should spend at least SOME of their holiday (vacation) time together. I just don't think they have to spend ALL of it together if they don't share the same interests.

That said, this is much easier to deal with when you get 20-25 days leave a year than if you've only got 2 weeks in an entire year... so perhaps it's easier for us to be able to spend most of our trips together but still have time left over to take long weekends without each other.
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:45 PM
  #38
 
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Resentment tends to fester and will damage the relationship down the line. You need to deal with your husband's controlling ways now or you'll be able to travel alone all you want after the divorce.

And for heaven's sake, if it's so difficult to deal reasonably with something so important to you now, what do you think life will be like after the children come? Will he be more likely to want to give up his "little luxuries" then? Sounds like a lifetime of Daytona Beach for you.

Is "The Stepford Wives" playing in your town?
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:48 PM
  #39
 
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Take him to a marriage counselor to figure out the real reason. Is this jealosy, he's afraid he may lose you if you go alone? Is this about money, he thinks he may have more luxury if you stop travelling? Is this about "what the neighbors will say"? Is this a control issue?
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Jul 16th, 2004, 12:49 PM
  #40
P_M
 
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My husband and I have the exact same issues, but the difference between my husband and yours is that mine is very supportive of me travelling alone. Of course, I often wish he had the passion for travel that I have, but he doesn't and I can't change that, just as he can't change me. So there's the compromise--if he refuses to travel with you, then he shouldn't complain when you travel alone.

My husband knew when he married me that travelling is a major part of who I am and I will not go through life without it. Personally, I could never spend my life with a man who not only refuses to travel, but will not allow me to do so. I think Faina is right that counselling might help. Good luck, I wish you well.
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