Superb New Paris Tour Guide
 

Taking the sage advice of a few smart posters, we were lucky enough to snare Rene Jasmone for a day of delightful guided touring. What a profound and thoroughly delightful man.

Rene showed us a secret side of Paris few Americans ever get the privilege to experience. We feel honored by having been taken about by this gregarious historian and eccentric humanitarian. Easily the best $500 we have spent in twenty years of touring the grand cities of Europe.

I must admit we were a bit taken back on first seeing Rene. He is a tall, heavy-set man with a wild mane of salt and pepper hair and a noticeable limp. He retired to the City of Light two decades ago after a harrowing stint as a volunteer brain surgeon with Doctors for a Sane Future in the dark jungles of Legotego. His unselfish work was rewarded with the highly prized Legion of Lyon Medal.

How spellbinding was his tragic story of surviving famines, drought, dipthroatal epidemics and vicious lion attacks, only to have his pelvis crushed in a Metro accident that forced France to change the way it trained all its "Le Couche Closers."

After hearing that amazing story, we silently berated our bad selves as arrogant, small-minded American bores for having been angry with his arriving 30 minutes late, unshaven, and dressed in a house painters outfit with the smell of cheap alcohol on his earthy breathe.

While we were bad mouthing the coffee and throwing a major hissy fit waiting at our 6Star hotel on Rue de le Gullible, this thoughtful professional had struggled over the wet, uneven pavement in order to personally secure us heavily discounted 40E tickets to the famous modern art Mecca - the Pumpernickel Center. And if that was not enough to make us positively giddy, he deftly produced a pair of extremely hard to obtain 20E tickets to actually go inside Notre Dame through a secret side vestibule where Talleyrand proposed to Joan of Arc.

As our exclusive adventure began, Rene used his extensive "in the know" connections to arrange for us to be entertained by a delightful series of nomadic street artists. The average American could aimlessly wander for hours without ever happening upon such a once in a lifetime trans-cultural experience.

Rene gently urged us to broad our old fashioned definition of personal space and allow the puckish little gypsy waifs to press close for us to view colorful native drawings on large pieces of cardboard and receive free body messages as tugged at our heart strings with chilling tales of brutal oppression by foul regimes in far away lands.

A torrent of tears fell from our shocked eyes as we sadly learned the courageous immigrants were all supporting aging parents and young babies with heart defects. Rene wisely encouraged us to provide them with generous donations which made us feel superior, and very liberal in a uniquely European fashion.

It was a fine start to a glorious day, even if we were to discover later that we had been careless and misplaced a wallet, both passports, our hotel room key, and an expensive pair of silk undergarments that I could have sworn I had on before leaving our overpriced hotel.

Once inside the great cathedral built by a million roman slaves, we were constantly amazed by our guide's in-depth knowledge of facts and figures not known by common people. His non-stop commentary, while at times a bit slurred, eventually made the ancient stone walls come alive with vivid sights, sounds and, on two occasions, very musty smells.

We felt ignorant and totally American in not already knowing the church had been blown apart by Nazi bombs in the Franco-Prussian War of 1922. And it was thrilling to learn the French Army had thought far ahead and cleverly used the crypts as a storage location for ten million white surrender flags.

We marveled in grateful awe as Rene passionately told us how Notre Dame had been painstakingly restored by a humble band of mute, but very adorable Methodist monks. A then how thier tiny little blistered hands were guided by heavenly voices which directed their loving placement of each precious stone in its exact original position.

Rene, always one step ahead of us, had thoughtfully procured for us one of the few remaining unrestored stones for only 75E.

This veteran "insider' even filled out the required export license for this prized cultural treasure. All we had to do was sign and give Rene the 50E government fee and modest cab fare and lunch money and he graciously agreed to handle all the red tape and save us valuable time to be rich, carefree and vulnerable in Europe.

Days later, when we would proudly show the tiny cultural treasure to security officers at CDG, they just smile, giggle nervously and casually wave us through to the VIP departure lounge. Obviously, the complex legal barriers were cleverly overcome ahead of time by dependable Rene, our super guide.

As we paused a few minutes later to pray before the statue of Saint Luther, Rene patiently ignored our crass cultural insensitivity and discreetly lit a small 35E offering candle, thereby saving us much shame for breaking a time-honored tradition that is rooted in medieval custom began in 1790.

Grateful and deeply touched by his kind act, we had to almost force him to accept re-imbursement along with a generous tip as a small token of our appreciation for not being allowed to make a dumb rookie travel mistake.

The rest of special tour was equally exciting as Rene skillfully taught us the amazing folklore of Paris at the DOrsaid, the Lever and the Rodune Museums, and the Arc de Trumpet.

If we had studied for decades, we could not have come close to duplicating Rene's intimate knowledge and adroit stagecraft. This is gutsy, leading edge stuff that sweet travel dreams are made of.

We strongly recommend that you get on a rapidly growing waiting list to engage Rene Jasmone - he will make you feel rich, young, worldly and very much "in the know."

Don't wait - our secret travel find won't remain undiscovered for long!

Degas, what an amazing story. Early morning tears were spilling down my cheek into my coffee cup...until the third paragraph, when I realized I'd been hookwinked! You are a crafty thing...I was hooked until the very lasst drop.

Degas, you are a danger to all who cross your path ... Reader, Beware!

Degas, you devil, give me his phone number! lol.

Thanks

Let me guess: Rene Jasmone sells his very own written guide at his website, RJinParis.com?

RE: sneeky

Your crass doubts shock and offend me.

Rene provides the thrilling tours mostly out of the goodness of his huge heart and always to only to a select handful of lucky travellers.

I'm sure a great man of his intense refinement would not entertain being exploited on a common internet website.

Degas, How do you come up with this stuff? Dreams? Drugs? Are you on another planet? I have an idea about which one!!

RE: wren

Your frank remarks have caused me to pause and set aside a warm, sunny sunday morning to reflect upon the dark, painful tragedy that suddenly thrust me into a never ending spiral of drugs, drink and yearly sex. Okay, okay, just drugs and drink.

It all began long ago when I was the star rider on the polo team at the University of Georgia .... .

SMH (shaking my head). OK, I'll admit that I read to the end of the fifth paragraph before a silly grin appeared on my face. Degas, do you have a day job?

RE: Betsy

Dear lady - I'm between day jobs but am open to suggestions. Its been too hot to pick cotton lately and the wife has taken over the honey stand as the flow of Yankee tourists has slowed to a trickle this year.

Hi Degas,

Haave you been dipping into "Innocents Abroad"?

RE: ira

I've heard of it, but never read it as the Sweetwater Library doesn't stock many books by foreign writers.

Degas, you have a bright future as a luftmensch, which happens to be "the word of the day":

The Word of the Day for Jul 27 is:
luftmensch \LOOFT-mensh ("OO" as in "foot")\ noun

: an impractical contemplative person having no definite business or income


Example sentence:
"The son ...," wrote American author Irving Howe, "is leaving to be a luftmensch ? a starving poet, a painter without pictures, a radical leader without followers."

Did you know?
Are you someone who always seems to have your head in the clouds? Do you have trouble getting down to the lowly business of earning a living? If so, you may deserve to be labeled a "luftmensch." That airy appellation is an adaptation of the Yiddish "luftmentsh," which breaks down into "luft" (a Germanic root that can be tied linguistically to the English words "loft" and "lofty"), meaning "air," plus "mentsh," meaning "human being." "Luftmensch" was first introduced to English prose in 1907, when Israel Zangwill wrote "The word 'Luftmensch' flew into Barstein's mind. Nehemiah was not an earth-man .... He was an air-man, floating on facile wings."

*Indicates the sense illustrated in the example sentence.

Degas,

Only $500, what a steal! A guide of this caliber could really be charging so much more.
By the way, be sure to find my trip report on Legotego on the Africa board.

Degas dear, how much should I tip Mister Jasmone on my upcoming trip to Paris? I know you have lots of money and know how best to spread it around town.

I'm still scratching my head in wonder that no has said that "that's EXACTLY the tour guide we had in Paris, except his name was X, and he took us...!!"

OMG!!!I'm a luftmenshc and didn't know it!!!

RE: ChatNoir

I tipped Rene 150E, but I'm filthy rich from my thriving earthworm business.

Some may be tempted to tip less, but just remember, all of Rene's profits go to worthy organizations around Paris that help homeless street performers who are have major medical problems.

Degas, thanks for alerting us to this amazing Paris treasure. I've always dreamed of having my own super guide. How far in advance will Rene take reservations?

Degas- Please put your name in the title of all future posting, so I will be sure to read them... or not.