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My three-week trip to London, Part 1 of 215

My three-week trip to London, Part 1 of 215

Oct 20th, 2000, 02:04 PM
  #1  
Clara
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My three-week trip to London, Part 1 of 215

My name is Clara. Herb (my husband of 28 years, four kids and one toy poodle) and I just got back from our first trip out of the country. Here is installment Number 1:

Herb woke me up. I thought I had set the alarm clock, but I guess I confused the a.m. with the p.m. Or maybe I left the volume too low. Or there was a power outage. No, wait, it couldn't have been a power outage because the numbers were not flashing. Must have been the snooze. Damn!

But now we were 8 minutes late for our flight. I raced to the kitchen. No time for scrambled eggs per the plan. I had to improvise. Buttered toast all around. Except Simba, our poodle. She had Pedigree brand canned dog food mixed with dry Eukanuba, and a squeeze of leftover chicken broth on top.

Meanwhile, Herb was struggling to get our suitcases in the car. Finally, we just crammed them in the back seat and took off. Man, was I excited!

We took our usual route to the airport, making sure to stay in the middle lane. We checked our bags and the curb, being careful to tip exactly 75 cents per bag, just like it said in our guide book. We asked for free upgrades, but the airline said no way. But they were nice about it.

That's when it happened: we realized we had forgotten all about little Simba! She was still in the kitchen, facing three long weeks of slow starvation and an excruciating death. Not to mention the smell we would have to live with when we got back. We called our neighbor (dear Mr. Wilkins, the widower) and left a message telling him to rescue Simba. When the plane lands, I'll call again and confirm that Simba is now in safe hands. For me and Herb, it's Wheels Up Time!

To be continued . . .
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 02:30 PM
  #2  
Kara
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You are very entertaining. Are you a writer, if not you should. I can't wait till your next installment. Why couldn't the kids take care of the dog? Please don't think I am belittling you (I am just curious) but how could you forget about the dog? Till the next episode.. I hope I don't have to wait to long.
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 03:06 PM
  #3  
Clara
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Why is everyone judging me? I made one little mistake with Simba, and now I'm made out to be the villian. Well, for your information, my children are no use at all. They are all grown and out of the house. They're independent all right. In a welfare sort of way. If I gave any of them the key to my house, they'd steal me blind for sure. They all take after their father, but that's a loooong story. That reminds me. I really must revise my will to cut the kids out completely.

Installment 3 is on the way!

Clara
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 03:39 PM
  #4  
Ifeel
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You mean that was installment #2? What a ripoff!
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 04:07 PM
  #5  
what
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I agree with the poster above, what a rip! We didn't even get to hear all the details of your flight: every morsel of food you put in your mouth and when, how often your foot fell asleep, descriptions of the magazine articles you read, blow-by-blow recount of the onboard movie, how much video camera footage you shot of the cabin interior, NOTHING!
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 04:33 PM
  #6  
seamus
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Clara, I thought you said your four kids just returned back with you. Did I miss something? Did you leave them in the kitchen with the poodle? As people above have said, please share the details of the flight over. Waiting...........
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 04:50 PM
  #7  
Ifeel
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And you better call it Installment #2!
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 05:16 PM
  #8  
Clara
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Oh, jimminy. I've confused you all. Please review the very first sentence of my trip report, installment No. 1. I said Herb (parenthetical) and I just returned. The parenthetical was just a description of Herb. So the kids and poodle did not come with us, OK. Thanks.

That's the end of Part 4!
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 05:27 PM
  #9  
Clara
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Part 5:

We landed at Heathwick airport at around 6:00 a.m. Boy, was I tired! I was surprised that they showed movies the whole flight. The headphones were free, and I don't like to waste anything, so I watched movies and sitcoms all night. Hollywood puts out such trash, don't you think? But the worst part was Herb. The stewardesses told us to put down our window shades so everyone could see the movie. Well, Herb was having no part of that, and he refused to lower his shade. He said he read on the internet that gazing at the stars was the only way to avoid jet lag. We started to argue, and the mean stewardess told us to knock it off or we'd be arrested. The nerve of some people. I had a few choice words for her.

Anyway, we arrived, got our luggage, and met our tour director. His name is Nigel, and he was very proper. He told us that we would have plenty to do on the tour under the itinerary he had arranged. London, then on to Cambridge, Stratberg, Upon, Avon, Dover, Bath, back to London, then the East End of London, Windsor, Hampdon, Scottland, Ireland, some white hills of some sort, back to London, the Eurostar to Paris and right back the same day, finishing off in Warwickshire. All of this is going to cost a pretty penny, but Nigel said we should take all of the separately priced excursions and should not try to go off on our own due to the language difficulties. Apparently, we can understand English people just fine, but they can't make out anything we say to them, which makes it tough to get around. I'm sure glad we took the tour instead of roughing it on our own!

That's it for now!
 
Oct 20th, 2000, 05:50 PM
  #10  
Rose
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HO, NO! Not the window shade issue AGAIN!! LOL
 
Oct 21st, 2000, 09:00 AM
  #11  
armchair traveler
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I am dying to hear about Upon, please share.
 
Oct 21st, 2000, 12:34 PM
  #12  
xxx
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Well, what happened to Simba?? Don't leave us in suspense!
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 06:22 AM
  #13  
Brian in Atlanta
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Clara, thanks for your trip report. Hope there's more coming. A few questions:

Did you have any trouble with pickpockets on the plane, or did you stay aware of your surroundings?

How was the food? Were they stingy with the drink cart?

Did you remove your shoes to avoid swellng feet and did the person sitting in front of you complain about the smell?

And don't let the rude people who chastised you for putting Simba's life at risk. I doubt they've ever owned a poodle and have no idea how hard they are to keep alive.
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 07:21 AM
  #14  
Herb
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Part 6:

Somebody help me, for the love of God, please help me!

Clara's sleeping, so I finally get to tell you what really happened on our trip. First of all, I never liked that damn dog. It's Simba this, Simba that, Simba's cold, Simba's hungry, Honey-can-you-pick-up-after-Simba, all the darn time. The foolish mutt even sleeps between us. How's that for keeping the passion in a marriage?

So yes, I tried to rub out Simba. I got the idea from that movie "The Lion King." Only I didn't try to rig a stampede of wildebeasts. How practical is that? I figured I would just conveniently "forget" to take Simba over to that old coot Mr. Wilkins. But Clara remembered Simba on the way to the airport and called Mr. Wilkins. There was still a ray of hope, though, because old Jed Wilkins can barely remember to feed himself let alone feed a dog. But no such luck. Upon our return, Simba was as fat and lazy as ever, and she promptly peed on my shoes again just for spite.

And I'm glad you asked about the flight. Clara ordered the no salt, no fat, Asian vegetarian platter for me. All the broccoli and tofu slaw you could possibly eat. Meanwhile, she sat there chewing on a grisled piece of meat, and she wouldn't share a bite. The drink cart was no better. Clara said I couldn't even order a stiff drink because I would need to keep my wits about me in case the plane crashed into the sea. After that broccoli platter, that would have been just fine with me.

As for pickpockets on the plane, I was never too worried about that. Clara carried the cash in a neck pouch under her shirt, and no pickpocket on earth is brave enough to reach in there. And Clara didn't have to worry about her feet swelling. Her feet are normally so bloated that the skin doesn't have the elasticity to stretch any more. But thanks for asking.

Uh, oh, the snoring stopped, so Clara must be on her way to the computer. Gotta go!
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 09:25 AM
  #15  
KT
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People who travel with their dogs are just jerks. The dogs don't get anything out of the trip, and all they do is drool and poop in fancy restaurants where affluent couples are trying to have romantic meals. If you have to be so irresponsible as to even have a dog, at least do the rest of us a favor and leave the little hairball at home.

It was different back in the old days when I was a pup. My mother, the bitch, would never have put up with my whining or yelping. People knew how to discipline their dogs then, but now they're too busy working so that they can buy SUVs and designer pizza. Pulleeeeze....
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 10:36 AM
  #16  
Cindy
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KT, I cannot believe that heartless people like you are even allowed to live! Of course people should be allowed to take their dogs everywhere they go. All you need is some careful preparation. Bring leashes for them, some dog toys and an assortment of treats, and a dog can go anywhere. I can't speak for other people, but our dog (9 months old) has been lots of adult places -- concerts, movies, first-run Broadway theatre. And let me tell you, he is turning into quite a stud because of it.

And don't give me this nonsense about how everything was perfect when you were raised. Dogs back then were disciplined, all right, but it stifled their creativity and destroyed their self-esteem. I think that's a mighty high price to pay for a little peace and quiet.
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 10:43 AM
  #17  
AC
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Ah but Cindy:
Does the mutt have to bang his dinner dish and annoy everyone?
How about those hygiene habits and then he wants to kiss you?
I guess when you love something so much we''ll put with anything!
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 11:36 AM
  #18  
Clara
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Part 8:

On Day 2, Herb and I decided to go see the British Museum because Nigel said it was one of the most important museums in the world. So off we went.

All I can say is that I was mighty disappointed. They call it the "British" museum, but I didn't see much that was really British. Most of the stuff was from Egypt! I expected to see some displays of that clotted cream I've read so much about. Or at least an old scone or two. But no.

And the stuff they did have was obviously fake. Take that Rosetta Stone, for instance. Everyone was staring at it like it was a great big deal or something, mumbling about how it was the key to understanding the Egyptian language. Yeah, right. All of those carvings were obviously done with an electric drill, and Herb says they didn't even have electricity back then.

Most of the other stuff was just a bunch of rubble, really. Like they displayed PIECES of sculptures and carvings. So what? I mean, what if I took a shopping cart and wandered around picking up broken glass and stuff from around the neighborhood. Would that make a museum, let alone a British one? I think not.

Ta-ta! (I picked that phrase up in London. Pretty classy, huh?)
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 11:53 AM
  #19  
I'mwaiting
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What's the hold up??? If we're going to get through 215 reports we need to step up the pace here! Enough about the damn dog already, it didn't even go on the trip!! Stay focused people!!
 
Oct 23rd, 2000, 11:59 AM
  #20  
AC
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What installment are we up to???
Sorry about the dog...we digressed.
 

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