HOW TO leave him at home?
Oct 31st, 2005, 08:41 AM
#22
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well, the idea of checking out Christmas markets as a vacation would get my back up also, it sounds like a vacation at Walmart to me. I hate that kind of stuff (okay, I might like one day of it), and wouldn't want to go there in the cold. I'd rather go to Vietnam or Thailand, myself.
No one on here knows the real situation and we're only hearing one very limited side of it. Maybe it's tesoro's phrasing that "he will not forgive me" . Lots of married folks would not be crazy about their spouse taking a major vacation by themself, and we don't know what other issues are involved here -- money, time off, etc. Also, it sounds like "it's not his holidays" means he's not Christian. So, wouldn't major plans to visit Christmas markets with someone who hated that kind of stuff and wasn't Christian be kind of a bad thing for the other spouse to be planning? Even if tesoro didn't know he really hated that kind of thing, and the religion isn't the issue, shouldn't you have the slightest clue what your husband likes and doesn't in terms of activities and travel?
No one on here knows the real situation and we're only hearing one very limited side of it. Maybe it's tesoro's phrasing that "he will not forgive me" . Lots of married folks would not be crazy about their spouse taking a major vacation by themself, and we don't know what other issues are involved here -- money, time off, etc. Also, it sounds like "it's not his holidays" means he's not Christian. So, wouldn't major plans to visit Christmas markets with someone who hated that kind of stuff and wasn't Christian be kind of a bad thing for the other spouse to be planning? Even if tesoro didn't know he really hated that kind of thing, and the religion isn't the issue, shouldn't you have the slightest clue what your husband likes and doesn't in terms of activities and travel?
Oct 31st, 2005, 09:04 AM
#24
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Agree that life and mariage are full of compromises. But the "I will never forgive you" is not only childish and petulant - it's also blackmail. (it's not like you're telling him you're having an affair and he has to take second place to the boyfriend - it's just a trip.)
If the two of you can;t work togetgher to figure out a compromise (alternate trips, alternate activities on each trip - I admit you couldn't pay me - never mind my beau to spend a vacation at Xmas markets) somebody is being extremely manipulative - and the problem is a lot bigger than vacations.
If the two of you can;t work togetgher to figure out a compromise (alternate trips, alternate activities on each trip - I admit you couldn't pay me - never mind my beau to spend a vacation at Xmas markets) somebody is being extremely manipulative - and the problem is a lot bigger than vacations.
Oct 31st, 2005, 09:09 AM
#25
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"Yes, my DH is a bit immature when it comes to love and giving."
Yes, you do seem very immature by insisting on it having to be your way. He's the one people should be feeling sorry for. He's married to someone who would rather run away than to solve a relatively minor problem.
There must be lots going on behind the scenes here. A woman who runs off to a separate trip because she and her husband can't compromise on something as small as a vacation destination obviously has much bigger problems.
Yes, you do seem very immature by insisting on it having to be your way. He's the one people should be feeling sorry for. He's married to someone who would rather run away than to solve a relatively minor problem.
There must be lots going on behind the scenes here. A woman who runs off to a separate trip because she and her husband can't compromise on something as small as a vacation destination obviously has much bigger problems.
Oct 31st, 2005, 09:28 AM
#26
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Tesoro, imagine this:
Decades from now you are lying on your death-bed reviewing your life. Imagine your regrets and recriminations when you recall that decades ago you gave up the opportunity to travel and to see the world simply because your now long-dead husband behaved as a spoiled child.
Wanna die that angry?
You're given only one planet to see in any detail. You're given only one lifetime which passes in the blink of an eye.
Pack your bags. Go. Now.
Decades from now you are lying on your death-bed reviewing your life. Imagine your regrets and recriminations when you recall that decades ago you gave up the opportunity to travel and to see the world simply because your now long-dead husband behaved as a spoiled child.
Wanna die that angry?
You're given only one planet to see in any detail. You're given only one lifetime which passes in the blink of an eye.
Pack your bags. Go. Now.
Oct 31st, 2005, 09:42 AM
#28
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Other than all the larger suggestions having to do with the state of your marital life in general, I see 3 outcomes here:
1. You and he start bargaining toward compromise -- I'll do this with you this time if you'll do that with me next time (which, btw, might improve other areas of your marriage that I won't contemplate).
2. He refuses and you go by yourself, come back having had a great time, and it dawns on him that he's doing himself out of some fun and company.
3. He refuses and you go by yourself and come back to the same impasse, and the two of you cherish resentments for the foreseeable future.
All I can do is wish you best of luck with one of the first two possibilities.
Doesn't "Tesoro" mean "Treasure"?
1. You and he start bargaining toward compromise -- I'll do this with you this time if you'll do that with me next time (which, btw, might improve other areas of your marriage that I won't contemplate).
2. He refuses and you go by yourself, come back having had a great time, and it dawns on him that he's doing himself out of some fun and company.
3. He refuses and you go by yourself and come back to the same impasse, and the two of you cherish resentments for the foreseeable future.
All I can do is wish you best of luck with one of the first two possibilities.
Doesn't "Tesoro" mean "Treasure"?
Oct 31st, 2005, 09:59 AM
#29
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Actually, Cassandra, there is a fourth option:
She goes away by herself, and he realizes that he has such a great time without her that when she returns she finds she no longer has a husband.
Well, after all. What does she need him for?
If you think he is immature and you would really rather do things solo, then just be solo. Make things simple for both of you. (But why check here for marital advice? That is truly the weirdness of this whole thing....)
She goes away by herself, and he realizes that he has such a great time without her that when she returns she finds she no longer has a husband.
Well, after all. What does she need him for?
If you think he is immature and you would really rather do things solo, then just be solo. Make things simple for both of you. (But why check here for marital advice? That is truly the weirdness of this whole thing....)
Oct 31st, 2005, 10:49 AM
#31
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I can't really add anything to what the other posters have said, because this has to be your decision at the end of the day.
Once, many years ago when I was still married, I went away alone for a weekend to Paris, much against my ex-husband's wishes. Although he didn't want to come with me he just didn't want me to go (his immaturity and insecurity, my desperately needing a bit of time and space).
I got mugged on the metro the first morning and had to call him to help with cancelling cards etc. He was very kind and supportive. The rest of my trip was great although I didn't ask the bank to send me enough cash so I had to budget very tightly and that was good fun too! Certainly an experience.
On my return he was most impressed with the way I had coped, and was full of appreciation for me, and it did rejuvenate our relationship and marriage (for a year or so until he found someone who bent to his every wish and whim - and then he married her and now she does as she likes!!!!).
Me, I am very happy and up till recently could travel where I liked - now I have to bow a little to the demands of teenagers for a few years - but soon they will be gone and then the world will be my oyster! Can't wait....
But good luck to you whatever you decide - bear in mind that things have a way of working out ultimately for the best...
Once, many years ago when I was still married, I went away alone for a weekend to Paris, much against my ex-husband's wishes. Although he didn't want to come with me he just didn't want me to go (his immaturity and insecurity, my desperately needing a bit of time and space).
I got mugged on the metro the first morning and had to call him to help with cancelling cards etc. He was very kind and supportive. The rest of my trip was great although I didn't ask the bank to send me enough cash so I had to budget very tightly and that was good fun too! Certainly an experience.
On my return he was most impressed with the way I had coped, and was full of appreciation for me, and it did rejuvenate our relationship and marriage (for a year or so until he found someone who bent to his every wish and whim - and then he married her and now she does as she likes!!!!).
Me, I am very happy and up till recently could travel where I liked - now I have to bow a little to the demands of teenagers for a few years - but soon they will be gone and then the world will be my oyster! Can't wait....
But good luck to you whatever you decide - bear in mind that things have a way of working out ultimately for the best...
Oct 31st, 2005, 11:03 AM
#32
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Tesoro - You too are a bit immature. You're doing the exact same thing he is. NOT COMPROMISING. What makes you more worthy than him? Take turns going to where the other one wants to travel to.
I am telling you this right now. If you take off on a European vacation without the blessings of your husband you chance ruining your marriage. He's going to be very angry in your absence and who knows what will transpire during that time, but if you don't care, which you really don't seem to then I say go.
I am telling you this right now. If you take off on a European vacation without the blessings of your husband you chance ruining your marriage. He's going to be very angry in your absence and who knows what will transpire during that time, but if you don't care, which you really don't seem to then I say go.
Oct 31st, 2005, 11:39 AM
#34
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I'm all for compromise, which seems exactly what you two need here, but all this talk about "forgiving" and going with his "blessing" is alarming to me.
I'm hoping this post sounds so skewed only becuase there is 1 side to the story here, but the thought of requiring my husband's blessing to take a trip 'or else' is really distasteful.
I'm hoping this post sounds so skewed only becuase there is 1 side to the story here, but the thought of requiring my husband's blessing to take a trip 'or else' is really distasteful.
Oct 31st, 2005, 11:52 AM
#35
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Tesoro,
Couple of thoughts:
How would you feel about your DH going to Asia without you?
What is he hung up on? Money? Security? Leaving him alone with the kids and/or dogs? Try to find out what it is that is bothering him and then address those issues.
My wife doesn't like it when I travel without her (even with her for that matter), but accepts it when I try to mitigate her concerns before and after the trip. I always bring her back some jewelry, which I'm sure goes helps unruffle her feathers.
Good luck.
Couple of thoughts:
How would you feel about your DH going to Asia without you?
What is he hung up on? Money? Security? Leaving him alone with the kids and/or dogs? Try to find out what it is that is bothering him and then address those issues.
My wife doesn't like it when I travel without her (even with her for that matter), but accepts it when I try to mitigate her concerns before and after the trip. I always bring her back some jewelry, which I'm sure goes helps unruffle her feathers.
Good luck.
Oct 31st, 2005, 06:29 PM
#39
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May I raise the possibility that there is a cultural difference playing out in the relationship? I had a "free spirit" type friend who married a man of Puerto Rican background (very traditional roles) - it was not a good mix.
