How to convince my parents...
 

Hello everyone!

I am 19 years old, and I recently dropped out of college because I did not like what I was doing. I decided to take the next semester off, and I am planning on doing a solo travel. I have travelled in groups and with my parents before, but this will be my first trip alone if everything goes as planned. I want to leave, and spend the month of February backpacking in the South of France. However, I have one problem: how do I convince my parents?

Telling them that I was dropping out of college went well, they understood the situation I was living. But telling them that I wanted to spend a whole month in France didn't go as planned... They did tell me that they couldn't do much about it, but I feel that leaving them worried isn't quite right...

They believe that France is a now a very dangerous place because of the terrorist attacks. I would like to know, how could I convince them that going on a trip isn't a bad thing? Also, if you've ever travelled alone in France, how was it? Anything I should know? Or even if you're at a young age, how did you tell/convinced your parents?

Your help and travel stories are appreciated!

Thank you :)

-Jeje

Are you funding this trip yourself?

Sit down with your parents and lay out your plan with them and ask for their blessing.

You are more likely to get killed in the US than in France. Would your parents let you visit the US??? How many killed in Chicago this year??

From the New York Times a few years ago:

Assault deaths per 100,000
France... 0.8
Caneda...1.6
US...........5.7

Stu Dudley

>>how do I convince my parents?<<

You can't -- their worries are . . . <i>their</i> worries and you can't make them like the idea. But tell them they raised a sensible / trustworthy child and it is time fly out of the nest a bit. (That is assuming you are paying for the trip yourself)

>>They did tell me that they couldn't do much about it, but I feel that leaving them worried isn't quite right…<<

They obviously know you are an adult, and it is your decision -- They are going to worry no matter. So it is up to you to decide if you are 'old' enough to shoulder the 'guilt' knowing they are worried. Since you can't make them like the idea - the ball is in your court.

If you pre book all your accommodations and promise to stay out of places like nightclubs - that will probably ease their fears a little)

If they are uncomfortable with the south of France, why not ask them for suggestions on where they feel you might be safer. Maybe you can come to a compromise. At the least, they will see that you are trying to show consideration for their feelings. That goes a long way with parents.

If you are funding this yourself and have been responsible and have a track record of making good decisions, then I would lay out your plan with them. Remind them of some examples of your decision making skills and also develop a plan to stay in touch with them, while away.

I think your parents will come around and you can also discuss how a trip like this can help you grow as a person, broaden your horizons, etc...what do you want to get out of your time away? Share that with them.

You're 19 - you don;t ned their permission to do anything - unless it's their money. In that case you have a problem.

I didn't ask my parents anything after I was 17 because I was self-supporting - I told that what I was going to do - including going to europe with my BF for 6 weeks the summer I was 19. But since I was paying it really wasn't their business. I called when I arrived (many years ago) so they knew I was fine and send postcards after that.

If your parents have unreasonable fears there is little you can do. If they are logical fears you can explain to them your plans and how you will be avoiding problems and that you will stay in touch (easy free now with email).

I hope you have a solid plan for your trip, what you want to see and do, worked out a budget, brushed up on at least basic French (greetings and polite phrases). And point out that this is routine for european kids from the age of 16 or 17.

But at the end - if it's their money not much you can do.

It shows some maturity and thoughtfulness that you are concerned about your parent's worries. Bravo for that.

Maybe I missed it, but are you a young man or young woman? It won't really matter, but curious, and that might influence your parents' concern.

Are you going back to the same school when you return? Will you start back in Summer or wait until Fall semester? In other words, have you made any plans for after the trip? Decide when and where you will return to school (if you can possibly do that). At some schools you must have permission to be out a semester. Check on that. If you are going someplace else, get the paperwork done. This shows you are being responsible. Your parents might feel better if you are making decisions now that guarantee the trip will be of benefit.

Do you personally have enough money saved to do it entirely on your own? If not, postpone the trip (good idea anyway because of weather). Get a job right now! Don't spend a dime on anything you do not absolutely need. Save every penny. You should have enough to pay for the trip yourself! This shows maturity, determination and self-reliance.

Are there any friends or family who might meet up with you for a few days while you are there? That would be some reassurance that you have a bit of support at some point.

Why South of France in Feb? Doesn't seem like a great time to go there.
Take the trip after you have saved the money and before you return to school. You would have time to plan and make choices and show your parents you have the fortitude to work and wait for something you want.

As to safety, that is an issue everywhere. Just promise your parents you will stay as aware as possible and avoid big gatherings. Nothing more you could do, either in the US or in Europe.

You have not articulated the objective of your trip, at least in your posting. Even with minimum risk, a significant venture without clearly identified rewards would likely to be resources, time and money, ill spent. I think this is one lesson you might need to intake at this point. Whether going to college or traveling, if you have not thought about what you think you are getting out of it, validating as much assumptions as possible before you spend a lot of your resources, you will end up at a dead end, whether you realize or not. Some trips would pay you back many times over while other trips are just a time off now.

Regarding convincing anything to adults, or youth for that matter, facts and data would not convince them. Decision is usually made emotionally. That is why con men do better than honest people. There are a small handful data driven people who look at evidences over what seems logical but isn't so in reality. Very few people are of this type. When I tell anyone around me about going to Europe, they are astonished by I would go to such "dangerous" places. The data is unmistakable. US is several times to an order of magnitude more dangerous than most places in Europe. However, so called educated people continue to believe at face value by what is told without doing any fact checking.

Most parents will worry no matter where you go. There's nothing you can do about it except prove them wrong after the fact.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but at age 19, you are old enough to be asked -- or even required -- to fight and die for your country in many parts of the world, including many industrialized "first world" countries. Unless you are depending on your parents to support this trip financially, or to support you before or after because you plan on depleting your resources to take this trip, it really isn't their business. You are to be commended for being sensitive to their concerns and to try to find a way to allay their fears, but at some point, you and they need to agree that you aren't a child anymore.

Of course, if you are dependent upon them, that's a very different beast....

Either way, I agree that appeals to emotion are more likely to resolve a conflict that is ultimately most likely driven by emotions than appeals to reason. JMO.

Good luck!

As a general rule, you are far safer anywhere in Europe than most anywhere in the USA. People here don't go around shooting each other on a regular basis.

You're 19, seem to be a reasonable and thoughtful person, and are obviously and rightly concerned about your parents' feelings. But you can and should go wherever you want to (if you're paying for it). My daughter traveled all over Italy and France when she was 17 and 18 and did just fine - European kids do this as a matter of course. It's not at all novel or outrageous.

All that said, I can't think of many good reasons to go to the south of France in February, probably the least pleasant month of the year there. There are many, many better options if a solo trip to Europe is your goal.

I agree - maybe tell us what you hope to get from this trip. The south of France in Feb might not be what you imagine -- or maybe it is.

A more major city-centric trip (London or Paris or Amsterdam or where ever) might give you more to see/do.

Let's face it, at 19, this means you will be taking money from someone else. No way can someone who just dropped out of college fund a trip to Europe for months on end.

Surprisingly, the OP claims the parents don't care about the money expense, etc., but the danger. I wouldn't allow a child to just drop out of college becuase they didn't like iot and then spend my money on a month long vacation.

Unless the teen is somehow independently wealthy having gotten an inheritance or something, which is not common.

I've never seeen a single 19 year old who was funding their own life that included not working and taking month long European vacations. Sometimes the semantics are that they are supposedly paying for it but that means their parents are payign for everything else in their life.

Hello and thank you all for your help!

First of all, yes I am financing the trip on my own and I already have enough money to leave tomorrow for a month.

The reason why I chose France for a solo travel is because I already visited Paris for a week and I would like to visit more in this country. Also, I am from the province of Québec, Canada, which means that my mother tongue is French. Since it will be my first solo trip, I would feel safer to go to a place where we can communicate easily if anything happens. Also I wish to go in the north of Spane if I have the time.

I wish to visit museums, learn more about the French (and Spanish) culture, and meet new people from around the world! Being alone in a foreign country for me would be an experience that would help me grow in a more mature individual, that might change me in a way.

Travelling in February is a good time for me, and because it isn't the season where there's a lot of tourists, the prices drops.

Also, I will not go to the same college because I would changing fields once I come back. I plan to go back in fall so I would get to work during spring and summer. My parents are aware of what I might do when I come back (it is still unclear to me), and they are ok with my educational choices.

Thank you all!

Hi jeje, My 17-year old traveled by train with a friend last summer through Eastern Europe, Italy, France. Of course I worried, that's what parents do, but he had a great time.

Sounds like you are well prepared, and sensible.
France is easy - especially if you speak the language. Should you run into trouble, come back to us at Fodors and we'll try to help.

Have a great time!

I'd introduce them to Skype and similar so you can have "facetime"

Parents worry, give them ways that they can release that worry, so a daily call until they chill to weekly.

"I'm 19 years old. I will be going there for one month, possibly the whole month of February. For now I have near 6000$, but I didn't by the plane tickets yet. I will be backpacking, travelling by train and bus if possible, and sleeping in hostels. I am thinking about visiting the big cities such as Bordeaux, Toulouse, Montpellier, Marseille, Canne, Nice, Lyon, and possibly the country side, the smaller cities/villages on the way."

From the OP's other thread. He is from Montreal.

Jeje I like your list of cities you would like to visit. I agree with above posters that you need to sit down with your parents, show them a solid plan, highlight the possible benefits of your travel, arrange to keep in touch, and make sure you have budgeted enough money.

Do some research on how to keep yourself safe. Discuss with your parents. Although we as parents are accustomed to wanting to protect our children, we also know that our job is to help them grow to be independent, responsible young people, and that we also have to take risks in letting go and feeling secure that we have given them a good start in life. Hopefully up to this point you have established this good standing with your folks.

It's a plus that you speak French, although the French might not agree ;)

When my youngest daughter first graduated from high school, she decided that she was going to Dominican Republic for 3 months over the winter. Depending on who you talk to, DR is a safe/very dangerous place.

I felt nervous letting her go, but was okay with it, because she was going with a friend, was a responsible young lady, and had some contacts and a plan where she would stay.

She learned a lot from that trip and came home a more mature person, and ready to move on with her life.

I'm sure you will learn things on this trip that you cannot even anticipate, but you must have some idea of what you want to accomplish. Give it some thought and communicate that to your parents in a calm and respectful way. Best wishes to you.

Nice can be quite pleasant in February. There's a carnival, not sure of the dates.

Oops, I was writing my post while you were posting. Have a great trip. Your reasoning is solid.

I hope you do get to go to Northern Spain for a bit. It's a totally different culture; you might really love it.

Tulips that is sure to send the parents over the edge ;)

At 19, I wish I had the opportunity to do what you are contemplating doing. As a parent now, I totally know that there is nothing you can say to persuade them not to worry. That's what they do. I agree with everyone, if you have a solid plan and in it a way of checking in so they can "follow" you and feel better, that is the best you can do. As parents it is hard to let go but let go we have to do at one point. You make the decision, you tell set the plan and show them how you will be communicating with them and go from there. I think the most important part is being sure in yourself and having the confidence to follow through your plan. Research safety tips for solo travel to Europe and make sure you have researched all available hostels - which ones are good and which ones are not so great. What areas to avoid, etc.
I didn't do a solo trip until I was about 23 and even then, it was only 10 days in the deserts of the USA but I learned so much from that trip. I honestly believe it is the base of my confidence and success in life. As I said at the beginning of my post, I wish I had the opportunity to do so at 19. If my kids came to me and asked me to do this, I would encourage them to go. Lucky for me though, I have twin boys so perhaps they could go together.

Trains are great in France and there is now a system of long-distance buses that are dirt cheap. Anyway for lots of info on French trains check www.voyages-sncf.com; www.seat61.com; www.budgeteuropetravel.com and www.ricksteves.com.

Let's Go France would be a great resource for you -great reviews of hostels and budget hotels. Amazon.com or major bookstores.

I didn't do a solo trip until I was about 23 and even then, it was only 10 days in the deserts of the USA but I learned so much from that trip. I honestly believe it is the base of my confidence and success in life.>

Exactly - traveling on your own anywhere is a learning experience and traveling abroad even more of one.

I was 20 when I took my first trip abroad - to Europe for six weeks -learned more on that trip about survival skills and adult confidence than I did in all years of college. Your 'gap' year will prepare you to do better when you do return to school and beyond.My parents were afraid of my going along - all are naturally but show this to them and other comments here that traveling in Europe presents absolutely no harmful aspects- danger, etc - as long as you have one ounce of common sense and you'll have a ton of it when you come back.

Hostels are great for meeting other folks your age doing what you're doing though in February they may be full of young school groups too- I would not neglect Paris and hanging out in some of their Bohemian youth hotels that attract your age group and above from all over the world.

Nice is also a great place for that.

arrange to keep in touch>

thank god for texting and email - it used to be only letters to the American Express or hostels or Poste Restante or very expensive phone calls - now you can show your parents you are alive and well all the time.

See what it takes to get your phone working in Europe -handy to call ahead for hostels too.

I was luckier with my parents. When I was 17, I announced my intention of taking a solo trip to Europe for 3 months (because I had a 3 month Eurail pass, which cost a grand total of $300 1st class back then -- yes, these were prehistoric times). My parents were delighted by my initiative, and they said they would match whatever amount I could save for the trip -- and they did!

Although back then you had to show your passport at every hotel, not a single person ever questioned my age even though I have seen lots of people freaking out on this site about under-18 people traveling alone ("totally forbidden" they all say). Strangely enough, when I moved to Europe permanently at age 20 (by taking the SS Michelangelo from New York to Gibralter to Naples to Cannes -- for $200!), the Italian Line required my parents to sign papers authorizing the trip because I was under the age of 21. At age 17 I went everywhere in Italy with no restrictions...

Needless to say, my parents heard from me by postcard perhaps once a week, and that was fine.

Maybe now if parents don't hear from their kids every day by text at least they worry?

How times have changed/

And yes all parents are different- you were lucky.

Yes Pal how times have changed :/

My daughter, who is now 31, is leaving today for 2 months in Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh City. I must admit to feeling a little nervous, since I've never been to Vietnam yet, so I'm counting on Google+, Instagram and Facetime...I'll get to know Vietnam a little, travelling vicariously.

Vietnam is no problem, sundriedtopepo. There are no terrorists, only hordes of thieves and snatchers. The foods are terrific. The language is written in Latin alphabet so it's easy to read. In the central market the sellers can speak (commercial) English, French, Chinese, Korean and anything you want. The most dangerous thing is the traffic and, the mosquito.

Ah thanks for that ff. She has been learning Vietnamese for 2 1/2 years now, so is going for the language immersion. Has had lots of coaching from others who have been there...so hopefully they will be safe.

Wow thanks a lot everyone! I am still feeling a bit guilty of leaving my parents feeling this way about my choices, but all of your comments make feel more confident about this trip!

I do not have any specific goals to achieve in this trip to be honest. However, I have been really confused lately about my choices in life (education mostly), so the reason why I want to go on a trip is because I want to change my mind, take a break of reality and the pressure of society so I can focus more on myself! I believe that being alone for one month will also give me the opportunity to learn more about myself.

Words of wisdom, jeje ;)

And don't worry too much, everybody does make some wrong choice at a moment (or many moments) in life. We would probably haven't gotten so many wonderful children on Earth if we hadn't.

I think that's a perfectly good reason to go. Good luck to you and please do let us know how you get on with your trip! Very excited for you!

Your parents are certain to be proud of your initiative and your desire to be responsible for yourself.

I believe that being alone for one month will also give me the opportunity to learn more about myself.>

Lucky you speak a kind of fractured peasant French (my French son and his family say) and will be in France. Sometimes when I've been in a country whose language I did not speak I stop and think "Gee I haven't talked (meaningfully) to anyone in days or weeks!

Do it and use what you learn on your return. Travel is so valuable and worthwhile and it's harder to take those breaks from reality when you are older, so now is the time. It is one month and you are 19 years old.

Ten years from now, one month will seem like a very short time span (because it really is). What you learn will stay with you for a lifetime.

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.” ~Golda Meir

Ok.

Let us imagine I'm your father. Not that hard for me my daughter is 18. So let me tell - you asked - how I could see it.

You tell me you drop from college. Humpf. My reaction is : he/she is 19, have not done anything of his/her life and drops school. NBot good but passons.

Btw : 19 = ? college is not university is it ? do you have a diploma that allows you to neter university or are you for the momemnt 'nowhere' as far as educational system is concerned ?

Second : you say you want to go to France, I was thinking, 'Ah good he'll learn something, language at lest'.
Seems not. Seems you just go for the fun. Is there a project ? Do you do something that will help you get better chance once you restart your studies ?

Third : you finance yourself - humpf. Means when you come back you also work to pay for your studies or you just saved some money and spend it on a trip ?

Fourth : I am worried about your safety in France. (see I'm your father already) so... am I worried about France or about you ? My neighbour had to come and repatriate his child who had smoked too much and had been intered after a meltdown.

If I were you, I'd ask myself how to convince my parents via a real project that shows them you know (roughly) where you are and what actions you take to put you in a better position for a new start.

If all you do is just run away for one month of binge drinking... I would not feel safe.

En gros ce serait bien que tu leur montres que tu n'as pas juste envie de glander (encore) un mois en clquant ton pognon.

In US and Canada college is university. I now that in europe college has a different mean ing but in the US and Canada kids usually graduate from high school at 17 or 18 and enter college (Bachelor's degree only) or universities (also MA and PHDs and special graduate schools) for 4 years or more.

And "college" is the usual term even if one is attending a place officially named a university. I would never think of saying I went to university although that's what it was - including medical, nursing, dental and law schools as well as liberal art, fine arts, sciences and engineering. And often it's just called "school" - as in what school did you go to (meaning college or university). I have cousins who went to Harvard to said they went to "school" there.

>>Let's face it, at 19, this means you will be taking money from someone else. No way can someone who just dropped out of college fund a trip to Europe . . .<<

>>Surprisingly, the OP claims the parents don't care about the money expense, etc., but the danger. I wouldn't allow a child to just drop out of college becuase they didn't like iot and then spend my money on a month long vacation.<<

Ignore Christina. She is our resident Debbie Downer ;)

>>I've never seeen a single 19 year old who was funding their own life<< . . . and she doesn't get around much >)

With your new posts/information the south of France does make sense.

You could spend a few days somewhere like Perpigan or Narbonne and be very close to Barcelona so you could fit in a quick visit into Spain. And then Some time in Nice and/or Marseille and some other town.

Skype contact with your parents a couple of times a week will be good -- for all of you.