Married With Children

Here's the issue. I am happily married with three kids (youngest is 3). I stay home; hubby works. My parents are healthy and in their late 60s. <BR> <BR>My parents are taking their first trip to Europe, for two weeks. My adult siblings are going along, and my parents would love for me to go. You know, just us traveling again like we did years ago. <BR> <BR>My husband is opposed to this. He says the kids will miss me. Money is not the problem, but it would inconvenience him to disrupt his work schedule to pick up the kids from school and otherwise manage things in my absence. He says once you get married and have kids, you don't get to go off on a frolic of your own like this. <BR> <BR>I feel like this could be my last chance to travel with my parents. Who knows how long they'll be healthy? And frankly, I'd like to get away from the kids for two weeks. They'd miss me, but they'd survive, and perhaps get closer to their dad. I told him he could take some big trip by himself or with friends, but he says it is not right. <BR> <BR>I can't bring the kids because they are too young, two of them have school, it would get expensive, and it would totally change the dynamic with me chasing after a 3-year old. <BR> <BR>So am I totally out of line? Do other married couples travel separately, and how does this work for you?

Mart

My wife took a two week vacation with her sister to their ancestoral home in northern England early in our marriage. Glad she had a good time. A couple years later her government agency asked her to work 3000 miles in Seattle for 4 months. She started dating a guy within one month of arriving. No sex; just bored and had that female need for "attention". Almost ruined our marriage when she told me six months ago. Thus I don't think separation, whether vacation or work, is a good idea.

Kavey

Without knowing more, and without really knowing you or your husband, it is hard to really pronounce judgement fairly... <BR> <BR>But going solely on what you have told us, it sounds like your husband is being very very selfish. <BR> <BR>It seems to me that he enjoys having a stay-at-home wife to look after the home and the children, in order that he can have his career and also have a family, safe in the knowledge that the family will not impact on his career. <BR> <BR>If you go away, gasp, shock, horror, he will actually have to inconvenience himself with the tiny little matter of his own children! <BR> <BR>Furthermore, although I do appreciate that he is the breadwinner, as it used to be called, your work as parent and home keeper is, in these enlightened days, considered just as valuable. <BR> <BR>Therefore, it should never come down to a case of him forbidding you to go and with-holding finance. <BR> <BR>Who said the fun things in life have to stop for ever once you have kids??? <BR> <BR>I do appreciate that you shouldnt be doing things at the expense of your children, but two weeks away wouldnt do your children any harm at all... a short absence makes the heart grow fonder and a change is as good as a rest!!! The only thing which would "suffer" if you went away is your husband's cosy and ordered lifestyle. <BR> <BR>To actually answer your question, I have been away without my husband, and will no doubt do so again. I dont have children, however, this should not have an impact unless any of yours are truly to young to be left without their mother, when their father is available. <BR> <BR>As I am working and have limited leave, I tend to go away for weekends without my husband rather than longer trips. I go to France with friends and things like that... however if I was not restricted by lack of leave I would likely go away qithout him more. <BR> <BR>And it's not like you are just swanning off on some party trip with friends, this is an important family trip, and as you have pointed out, may be the last time you can do this. <BR> <BR>One last question. If your husband is as close to his family as you are to yours and had the same opportunity, a situation where the children couldnt really go so you would need to stay behind, would he sacrifice it for you? (Not for work reasons, but for you) <BR> <BR>Kavey

Dawn

I'll probably get flamed for this big time, but here goes. I think your husband should spend some time at home, maybe he could take some vacation time, and spend it with your kids, and let you go. I definetly understand why you wouldn't want to take your 3 year old. And I think you should go and have a wonderful time with your parents and siblings, what wonderful memories you will have! The kids will be fine for 2 weeks, and I think it will be a great experience for everyone all around. You're not just his wife, and mother of your kids, you're also a daughter and sister. I'm taking a vacation this year with Monica, a fellow fordorite, and we're leaving our husbands home. I can't wait. Sure, I'll miss him, but 2 weeks goes by quickly, and I need to have other experiences in my life and meet new people. I travel frequently to NY by myself, I've done this for years, so I don't think it's weird at all. Enjoy your parents while they are still here, there will come a day when they won't be here, and you'll have such great memories.

Sheila

I think it is fine to go on separate vacations if you can both agree. I have been to Europe 3 times, once with my daughter, once with my son and daughter and once with a good friend. He does not want to go and is happy that I can get the chance to go. We take family vacations together and even trips with just he and I since the children are older now. He is planning a trip to Canada hunting this fall and I am staying home. It would be sad for you to miss this family trip. Good luck.

Kavey

In response to Mark's post... <BR> <BR>I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I strongly feel that a 2 week family vacation is an entirely different kettle of fish to a 4 month work contract in a different city... as your own experience shows... <BR> <BR>On a family vacation I can't see the opportunity (or desire) to have an affair surfacing... "Married" would be having a great holiday with her family not scouting the local talent, let alone having the time to establish a relationship with any she did find!!!

Joan

I say go! Even though it would be hard on your husband millions of single parents manage to juggle work and home schedules on an onging basis and you are only talking about two weeks. The best vacation I ever took in terms of lasting memories was with my sister and our parents who were in their 80's at the time. We took a road trip from the midwest back to his hometown in Swamscott, Massachusetts that my sister and I had only heard about through the years and also went to visit our childhood home. To see these special places through their eyes made it a trip that was so very meaningful for us all and since our father has since passed away we are even happier that we disrupted our husband's lives to take this trip. Bet they all survive with a little help from your friends.

Tom

And frankly, I'd like to get away from the kids for two weeks. <BR> <BR>I understand how challenging it is to stay at home with young children (I did it for 3 years). But a statement like the one above just makes me question why you went ahead and had 3 children. I think you do face more sacrifices when you choose to have children, particularly the more you have. <BR> <BR>Maybe you could make just head over and meet them for one week. You'd get to spend time in Europe with your family, but not leave your husband with the burden for quite so long. <BR> <BR>Whatever you do, however, please do not allow your children hear you argue over this issue. They will misunderstand and think that you can't wait to get away from them.

Lexma90

I don't see anything wrong with you taking some time off, as long as money isn't a problem. I am quite equality-minded, and feel that it's very good for children to spend time with their father being the caretaker. I also think about travelling with my parents, and worry that when I am able to go with them, they'll be too old to go. Guys seem to go off on hunting and/or fishing trips all the time (probably not your husband, though, or you would have mentioned it), any everybody seems to think that's ok.

Hiho

I do think he should agree to your tip, and sacrifice his time somewhat by do some extra childcare, but if he will not agree, perhaps you can compromise - by you going off for only part of the time - perhaps a week, or nine days or whatever. This will make your trip cost more per day (but lower your overall costs). I think if you offer to do this, he can meet you halfway. Assuming he works 5 days a week, if you go away for a week, it means he only has to compromise his work hours for 5 days, not much at all. A week or so with your family is not bad either - certainly better than nothing.

Michelle

I think you need to determine exactly why your husband is opposed to your going on the trip. If it is because he will be overwhelmed caring for your children and working full-time while your gone, perhaps you could work out an alternative. <BR> <BR>A few years ago, my sister invited me to travel to Thailand with her. My mother-in-law came and stayed with my husband and three children while I was gone. I wouldn't have gone on that eleven-day trip without her help. We knew my husband couldn't juggle it all alone; our children had too much going on. <BR> <BR>He was comfortable with the arrangements, and I had a wonderful trip with few worries.

JMM

My opinion: Your husband is completely out of line. Just because one is married does not mean one is joined at the hip to the other person. My husband and I take vacations separately and together because we have some different and some shared interests. For example, recently I went to Mexico with a friend who shares my interest in ruins, my husband went on a skiing vacation ( i do not ski). Together we went on a trip to the caribbean to snorkel ( something we both love). <BR>A 2 week vacation is not a long time and it sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

Lee

MWC: My wife and I vacation together. IF she wanted to take a week (she gets four weeks vacation, I get two) and spend it with her parents in Florida, where they head during the winter, I wouldn't mind. <BR> <BR>We don't have any small kids at home, just a cat, so that makes it easier, but I think it would be good for her and them. <BR> <BR>I travel three or four months each year on business and I leave her at home, so I can't complain if she wanted some time. <BR> <BR>We are going to Rome with her parents and two brothers for just that reason: you never know how many opportunities you may have to spend time with them. <BR> <BR>It sounds like your decision may prove unpopular at home. Good luck.

s.fowler

Yup. I like to travel more than he does -- so about half of my trips recently have been solo with no ill effects! In fact [this is weird] he will be in Canterbury for a conference in early September and I will be in Paris. Just call us "chunnel honeys" <BR> <BR>GO. But do find out what's really bugging him and make arrangements. Time with your parents as they get older is very precious. <BR>Having lost my father last year, one of the things I remember the most are the many trips we had together both before and after I was married. In fact the last conversation we had was about one of those trips. <BR> <BR>GO. Did I say GOOOOOOOOOOO?

hmmmmmmmmm

I have to agree with your husband. First of all, I'm assuming that you are very well off and there is truly no monetary consideration. That being said, I really don't think it's right for any married person, male or female to take off for an extended period (more than a couple of days) without their spouse. (To say nothing of children!) BTW, my parents are in their early 70's, in good health, and I wouldn't think of traveling with them as I did when I was 13. Too weird!

Nan

I wish I had the opportunity to travel with my parents to Europe. Unfortunately their health deteriorated early at ages 69 & 71 and they were unable to take any pleasure trip overseas. My father had so wanted to see the countries he had briefly visited during the war. They are now both gone. <BR> <BR>Have you checked with neighbors, friends, relatives to see if they can give your husband some help with the children? Or is it just that he feels a husband & wife should not be seperated at all? You are really in a tough situation, which I am sure you know! Good luck to you.

StCirq

In our family we travel in all kinds of combinations: alone, just my husband and I, my husband and one or both of our kids, I and one or both of our kids, all together, kids with grandparents, I or my husband with our respective parents. I do the kind of work that generally can be done anywhere in the world that I can hook up a laptop, I have more time to travel than my husband does, and I take advantage of it when I can and when it doesn't unduly disrupt the family. Responsibility for the kids is pretty much shared equally in our family, though, and that seems to me to be the crux of your husband's problem with this trip. When my husband goes on trips, I pitch in. When I take a trip, he pitches in - or we get help from another family member or friend. It sounds to me as though your husband is a bit overwhelmed by the idea of being fully responsible for the kids for so long. Can you find someone to help him out? That might help. <BR> <BR>And as a mother, I will add that I understand completely the desire to be away from the kids for awhile. I think all adults need some time to be by themselves or with other adults, particularly if you've been home with your kids for some years. I think you've earned a trip. And yes, your husband, and kids, will have to draw on some new inner resources to get through your absence, but what's wrong with that? Your kids will miss you (send them e-mail, call them up from time to time, bring them presents), and so will your husband, but they will all appreciate you ever so much more when you get back.

A.M.

I can certainly understand your husband's reluctance to be both mom and dad for 2 weeks. Obviously no one on this board answering this question knows you and your husband's childrearing practices. If he is not used to caring for them for long periods of time, I imagine it would be overwhelming to him, or anyone. A child of 3 is a handful and I don't know the ages of the other 2 and whether or not they would be of help to their father. <BR> Offering a compromise of going for a shorter period of time, as suggested, may be more amenable to your husband. I have to wonder if all the posters who suggested you should just go , have children of their own. <BR> The few mothers I know who take vacations from their young families make plans to have someone assist their husbands with childcare,in their home, right or wrong it's how it is for them. <BR> I hope you can work it out in your favour because I truly think time apart can be of great benefit to all members of a family. <BR>Good planning and good luck. <BR>A.M.

curious

Married, GO! My husband and I have been happily married for 17 years and have 2 children. We travel a lot together but my side of the family has the travel bug big time. My mom, sister and I ALL have the time and inclination to travel much more than our spouses. Every year Mom, sis and I take 2 vacations (usually a cruise or all-inclusive beach vacation) without our husbands. First they all hate these types of vacations and they also can't get the time off from work. The difference is , we take our children as well, so it's a vacation for the guys too. Everyone is happy with this arrangement. We also travel with our families and spouses alone. <BR> <BR> To be honest I don't know how my husband would react if I wanted to leave him with the kids for 2 weeks. Quite frankly short of hiring a babysitter or taking 2 weeks off of work I don't see how he could do it. I think the kids would be fine, but it sounds like your husband would miss you, or at least everything that you do that he will have to handle in your absence! <BR> <BR>I have gone away only 3 days without kids and hubby and everyone managed fine, but 2 weeks is a long time. Three kids and a house is a lot to manage for a working Dad who might not even know how to operate the washing machine. I think if you make arrangements for babysitters, housecleaners, etc, and make it as easy for him as possible to manage without you, then he should not begrudge you this trip. I see nothing wrong with you going off to "frolic" with your parents. The notion that married people should be joined at the hip is absurd if you ask me. Plus, absence does make the heart grow fonder (among other things), take my word for it!

Marissa

Throughout our married life (even when the children were small) my husband has taken numerous skiing and sailing trips with his married male friends. I don't mind because he loves it so much, and I am not the best skier or sailor in the world. <BR> <BR>I have been to Paris once by myself and I hope to go again sometime, either with my husband or by myself.