Caregivers
May 1st, 2005, 05:25 AM
#1
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Caregivers
Any travel addicts taking care of elderly parents? Do you go through the same emotional turmoil I do deciding if it's OK to leave home for a couple of weeks? Have to deal with the guilt, either self-imposed or by the parent, over your need to get your
Europe fix?
Europe fix?
May 1st, 2005, 05:36 AM
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HI
I mean this in the kindest way, are you in a caregivers support group? I ask this because they (or websites) are bound to hav suggestions for dealing with the guilt, making practical arrangements, etc
All I can offer is that, if something bad were to happen, it will happen whether you are there or not. Just buy some travel insurance should you have to change your plans mid-trip, and assume everything will be fine. That's what many travelers have to do, when they have kids, parents, work pressure, even pets.
I mean this in the kindest way, are you in a caregivers support group? I ask this because they (or websites) are bound to hav suggestions for dealing with the guilt, making practical arrangements, etc
All I can offer is that, if something bad were to happen, it will happen whether you are there or not. Just buy some travel insurance should you have to change your plans mid-trip, and assume everything will be fine. That's what many travelers have to do, when they have kids, parents, work pressure, even pets.
May 1st, 2005, 06:35 AM
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My father died when I was away in western Crete. I was not the caregiver, becaue I lived about 70 miles away, but I'd been was managing his care and visiting every weekend (and more often during crises). He lived in his own house with a medical/personal assistant whom I'd hired to live with him and take care of him. Right before the trip, I'd taken extra steps to make sure that things were all taken care of before I left, discussed how to handle emergencies, if any, made sure his assistant had all the phone numbers (that he could possibly need that he might ordinarily ask me for if he couldn't find them), visited him shortly before I left, spoke to him on the phone minutes before I boarded the plane. However, I did not leave contact information. Some nights I was going to be in places accessible only on foot or by small boat.
In the two or three weeks before I left, my father's health, strength, and mental/emotional state had improved quite a bit, over his condition in the few months before. He had had a mild stroke right after I made nonrefundable reservations for a walking tour. If I hadn't already paid in full, I would not have chosen to take the trip after this. But I had not purchased insurance in time, because I didn't realize that the pre-existing condition exclusions applied to a family member's pre-existing conditions, not just to those of the traveler. I was considering canceling, but playing it by ear, and decided that I would make a decision the last minute based on how my father was doing during the wek or so before my scheduled trip. I was surprised how good and sharp and lively and strong-voiced my father sounded during our last phone conversation when I called from the airport, so I didn't have any last-minute fears that I'd made the wrong decision. One thing that was puzzling two weeks later was why there was no answer (from his assistant, who was supposed to be there at all times, unless he had pre-arranged coverage by a substitute) when I tried calling my father from Greece during the latter part of my trip.
He died in his sleep a few days after I left. I was the only family. I had just recently had some talks with the local funeral home, and, since my father was 91 and in fragile health, in order to avoid having the stress of dealing with arrangements whenever my father eventually died, I was considering pre-arranging "things" some time soon, a few weeks or months after I got back from my trip. Though I hadn't done this yet, the funeral home knew I intended to hire them eventually, though I wasn't expecting it to be that soon, so they did not consider it a problem when his live-in helper and a good neighbor (who were aware of my preliminary plans) had him taken there after he died. The funeral home just began preparations and kept him refrigerated (I don't know how else to describe it) until I got back, when i immediately went to make the arrangements. So the obituaries, the viewing periods, and the funeral took place a few days after I returned, which was about two weeks after he'd died.
The whole experience was extremely traumatic and upsetting. However, I it would have been no better if I'd chosen to stay home, losing the full amount I'd paid for the trip. My father died in his sleep in his own bedroom, and I knew that that's the way he wanted things to be, and am very glad I found a way to make it possible, even though he needed a lot of care that ordinarily needs to be provided in a nursing facility. His heart, which had been ticking for 91 years, just happened to stop ticking during the two week period when I was away in an inaccessible part of Greece. But it wuld have been no easier if he'd died while I was home.
In the two or three weeks before I left, my father's health, strength, and mental/emotional state had improved quite a bit, over his condition in the few months before. He had had a mild stroke right after I made nonrefundable reservations for a walking tour. If I hadn't already paid in full, I would not have chosen to take the trip after this. But I had not purchased insurance in time, because I didn't realize that the pre-existing condition exclusions applied to a family member's pre-existing conditions, not just to those of the traveler. I was considering canceling, but playing it by ear, and decided that I would make a decision the last minute based on how my father was doing during the wek or so before my scheduled trip. I was surprised how good and sharp and lively and strong-voiced my father sounded during our last phone conversation when I called from the airport, so I didn't have any last-minute fears that I'd made the wrong decision. One thing that was puzzling two weeks later was why there was no answer (from his assistant, who was supposed to be there at all times, unless he had pre-arranged coverage by a substitute) when I tried calling my father from Greece during the latter part of my trip.
He died in his sleep a few days after I left. I was the only family. I had just recently had some talks with the local funeral home, and, since my father was 91 and in fragile health, in order to avoid having the stress of dealing with arrangements whenever my father eventually died, I was considering pre-arranging "things" some time soon, a few weeks or months after I got back from my trip. Though I hadn't done this yet, the funeral home knew I intended to hire them eventually, though I wasn't expecting it to be that soon, so they did not consider it a problem when his live-in helper and a good neighbor (who were aware of my preliminary plans) had him taken there after he died. The funeral home just began preparations and kept him refrigerated (I don't know how else to describe it) until I got back, when i immediately went to make the arrangements. So the obituaries, the viewing periods, and the funeral took place a few days after I returned, which was about two weeks after he'd died.
The whole experience was extremely traumatic and upsetting. However, I it would have been no better if I'd chosen to stay home, losing the full amount I'd paid for the trip. My father died in his sleep in his own bedroom, and I knew that that's the way he wanted things to be, and am very glad I found a way to make it possible, even though he needed a lot of care that ordinarily needs to be provided in a nursing facility. His heart, which had been ticking for 91 years, just happened to stop ticking during the two week period when I was away in an inaccessible part of Greece. But it wuld have been no easier if he'd died while I was home.
May 1st, 2005, 07:12 AM
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My 90+ year old mother lived with us for two years while recovering from a broken hip. We continued going out of town fairly often because when you are under the pressure of care-taking, you REALLY need a break so you can continue doing a good job looking after your elderly parent.
We had an aide come every morning for a few hours so I could work part-time, do errands, etc. When we went out of town, one of my brothers would come to stay with my mother, and the aide would continue to come every morning to help with my mother's care. Actually, one of my mother's happiest memories is the time she spent a year in Europe, so she really understands our love for travel. I'll have to post her travel report sometime. She was in Europe in the late twenties when there was still a king in Italy!
We had the happiest little dog because she was never left alone during that time. Now that my mother is happily living in an assisted living center close to my brother's, our dog is not thrilled to be in the house by herself(looked after by dog sitter)when we travel.
Please continue taking those trips to Europe and enjoy them with a clear conscience. Looking after elderly parents is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and you must have some rest and relaxation for your own mental health. It is necessary to take care of your parents, but it is not necessary or wise to make them the sole focus of your life ( especially if you have a spouse or children at home, too).
I have to admit that I finally went to a cognitive behavior counselor to learn to better deal with the strain of caretaking. It was very helpful!
We are off to England in a few weeks, and my mother is excited along with us and is looking forward to getting postcards and seeing our video of English gardens when we return!
We had an aide come every morning for a few hours so I could work part-time, do errands, etc. When we went out of town, one of my brothers would come to stay with my mother, and the aide would continue to come every morning to help with my mother's care. Actually, one of my mother's happiest memories is the time she spent a year in Europe, so she really understands our love for travel. I'll have to post her travel report sometime. She was in Europe in the late twenties when there was still a king in Italy!
We had the happiest little dog because she was never left alone during that time. Now that my mother is happily living in an assisted living center close to my brother's, our dog is not thrilled to be in the house by herself(looked after by dog sitter)when we travel.
Please continue taking those trips to Europe and enjoy them with a clear conscience. Looking after elderly parents is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and you must have some rest and relaxation for your own mental health. It is necessary to take care of your parents, but it is not necessary or wise to make them the sole focus of your life ( especially if you have a spouse or children at home, too).
I have to admit that I finally went to a cognitive behavior counselor to learn to better deal with the strain of caretaking. It was very helpful!
We are off to England in a few weeks, and my mother is excited along with us and is looking forward to getting postcards and seeing our video of English gardens when we return!
May 1st, 2005, 07:33 AM
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Regarding the guilt (either self-imposed or by the parent) -
I had a destructive grandmother that would do anything possible to sabotage our plans for family vacations, even going to the extreme of stopping to take her medications and then overexerting herself in order to have a medical crisis. We cancelled that trip, but then my parents just stopped telling her ahead of time that we planned to go somewhere. They made arrangements with other family members to take up the slack while we were gone, but thankfully took vacations anyway. I never understood it because this woman traveled the world on her own - she just didn't like us "leaving her".
Go. Make the best plans for their care while you are gone but go and relax and enjoy yourself. As has been pointed out, you need a deserve a break.
I had a destructive grandmother that would do anything possible to sabotage our plans for family vacations, even going to the extreme of stopping to take her medications and then overexerting herself in order to have a medical crisis. We cancelled that trip, but then my parents just stopped telling her ahead of time that we planned to go somewhere. They made arrangements with other family members to take up the slack while we were gone, but thankfully took vacations anyway. I never understood it because this woman traveled the world on her own - she just didn't like us "leaving her".
Go. Make the best plans for their care while you are gone but go and relax and enjoy yourself. As has been pointed out, you need a deserve a break.
May 1st, 2005, 08:13 AM
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I dealt with this situation for about 4 years, and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. My heart goes out to all caregivers.
cmt, how terrible that must have been for you. I'm sure you realize that even if you had not taken that trip, you still might not have been there with your father when he died.
Gary, there are so many facets to this situation, depending on where your parents are living, whether they have assistance, and the condition of their health. You just have to make the best assessment you can before each trip.
We traveled during the time my mother was in my care, but in the last 6 months of her life, as her condition became more fragile, I was reluctant to go anywhere. We canceled a trip to Australia in Sept 2001 because I couldn't handle the idea that she might need me and I would not be able to get home in a security crisis with planes grounded.
But Gary, you MUST take care of yourself as well. It is very difficult for caregivers to do that, but it is crucial. I second the idea of a support group. I wish I had joined one.
cmt, how terrible that must have been for you. I'm sure you realize that even if you had not taken that trip, you still might not have been there with your father when he died.
Gary, there are so many facets to this situation, depending on where your parents are living, whether they have assistance, and the condition of their health. You just have to make the best assessment you can before each trip.
We traveled during the time my mother was in my care, but in the last 6 months of her life, as her condition became more fragile, I was reluctant to go anywhere. We canceled a trip to Australia in Sept 2001 because I couldn't handle the idea that she might need me and I would not be able to get home in a security crisis with planes grounded.
But Gary, you MUST take care of yourself as well. It is very difficult for caregivers to do that, but it is crucial. I second the idea of a support group. I wish I had joined one.
May 1st, 2005, 08:32 AM
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Hi Gary,
Good advice above.
My father passed away from a massive heart attack while in hospital for an unrelated condition.
None of the family was with him, because he was recovering so well.
Whether you are on vacation or at home, there are times when you can do nothing.
You have to get away every now and then. Go. Get some R&R. Don't worry about it.
Good advice above.
My father passed away from a massive heart attack while in hospital for an unrelated condition.
None of the family was with him, because he was recovering so well.
Whether you are on vacation or at home, there are times when you can do nothing.
You have to get away every now and then. Go. Get some R&R. Don't worry about it.
May 1st, 2005, 09:07 AM
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Gary, not to be a downer but sometimes it is a no-win situation. You can go ahead and leave as planned and then spend the whole time worrying and thinking you should be at home. Or you can cancel all plans and have some resentment at the situation not necessarily at the person.
I know when I was a sole care-giver I felt isolated in the situation and it was really an awful time both for me and the patient.
If you can't get away for long trips, take weekends off and go somewhere to relax if you can. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery w/o the constant pressure.
I went to Europe on a few short trips during this period and the travel photographs of me tell the story of how I really felt: Guilty, emotionally drained, exhausted, worried, etc.
There are no answers, Gary, just try to do the best that you can for yourself and for the parent. Hang in there.
I know when I was a sole care-giver I felt isolated in the situation and it was really an awful time both for me and the patient.
If you can't get away for long trips, take weekends off and go somewhere to relax if you can. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery w/o the constant pressure.
I went to Europe on a few short trips during this period and the travel photographs of me tell the story of how I really felt: Guilty, emotionally drained, exhausted, worried, etc.
There are no answers, Gary, just try to do the best that you can for yourself and for the parent. Hang in there.
May 1st, 2005, 01:00 PM
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Hi GaryCA. You are famaliar I am sure with airline instructions that if when one is on a plane and the oxygen mask drops down to put yours on BEFORE putting is on a child or anyone else that needs help. The reason being of course if you don't you will not be able to help anyone else get their mask on.
Having had the same problem as you I want to say to you if you don't take care of yourself then you will eventually become physically ill or mentally depressed etc. to the point you will not be able to take care of your elderly parents.
I had a dear uncle who got dementia early in life. His loving wife would not even think of putting him in a nursing home. She did not take care of herself either. Would not, out of guilt I guess, let anyone relieve her of her obligations (her word not mine) so she could get away even to SF for a weekend.
Eventually she had a major stroke and died. My uncle consequently was put into a nursing home where he died a few years later. So my dear cousins lost their mother. She was only 55 years of age.
Guilt is a natural feeling IMHO. But please don't let it rule your decisions. You are obviously a caring and supportive person. Be the same way for yourself. I get the feeling from your post that perhaps your parents (or one of them) is laying a guilt trip on you. If I am wrong I apologize. But if they are this could be that they are suffering from a bit of dementia. And consequently not thinking the way they would of years ago.
I think any of us here would never want our children or loved ones to give up their own personal life for us. I sure wouldn't. I pray that no matter how old I get that my mind will remain clear and strong so that I do not cause undue stress and grief to my loved ones.
Make the best arrangement that you can for your parents Gary and then go take that European vacation with a light heart. Go in peace.
Having had the same problem as you I want to say to you if you don't take care of yourself then you will eventually become physically ill or mentally depressed etc. to the point you will not be able to take care of your elderly parents.
I had a dear uncle who got dementia early in life. His loving wife would not even think of putting him in a nursing home. She did not take care of herself either. Would not, out of guilt I guess, let anyone relieve her of her obligations (her word not mine) so she could get away even to SF for a weekend.
Eventually she had a major stroke and died. My uncle consequently was put into a nursing home where he died a few years later. So my dear cousins lost their mother. She was only 55 years of age.
Guilt is a natural feeling IMHO. But please don't let it rule your decisions. You are obviously a caring and supportive person. Be the same way for yourself. I get the feeling from your post that perhaps your parents (or one of them) is laying a guilt trip on you. If I am wrong I apologize. But if they are this could be that they are suffering from a bit of dementia. And consequently not thinking the way they would of years ago.
I think any of us here would never want our children or loved ones to give up their own personal life for us. I sure wouldn't. I pray that no matter how old I get that my mind will remain clear and strong so that I do not cause undue stress and grief to my loved ones.
Make the best arrangement that you can for your parents Gary and then go take that European vacation with a light heart. Go in peace.
May 2nd, 2005, 06:42 AM
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To fill in a few of the blanks, my 85 year old mother has lived with me for the last four years. I am the only family. She has a caregiver who comes in part of the day when I am working, but beyond that she is actually still pretty independent. She has always been somewhat of a drama queen about her medical condition, so it's hard to tell what's real and what's theatrical. I tend to err on the side of it being real.
I did the same thing Marilyn did, cancelling a trip after 9/11. Since then I have taken an annual trip, but still going through the anxiety beforehand. It is always OK as soon as I leave for the airport. I don't even think about it.
Right now, we are not getting along that well, so undoubtedly that is contributing to my guilt. That's probably an indication right there that it's time for a break. This is all good advice, but ultimately, SeaUrchin is right, there are no answers.
thanks
I did the same thing Marilyn did, cancelling a trip after 9/11. Since then I have taken an annual trip, but still going through the anxiety beforehand. It is always OK as soon as I leave for the airport. I don't even think about it.
Right now, we are not getting along that well, so undoubtedly that is contributing to my guilt. That's probably an indication right there that it's time for a break. This is all good advice, but ultimately, SeaUrchin is right, there are no answers.
thanks
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