Yes indeed, I know the Gymkhana Club as we live in Chiangmai. The land was donated by King Chulalongkorn who prescribed that it would be a Club for foreigners and not open to Thais. That worked well until the 1980s when the logging of teak was banned and the ?teak wallahs? departed leaving behind a depleted expatriate community that could not support the Club. Permission was received from the present King to accept Thai members.

Next door to it is the Foreign Cemetery which has a whole history of its own. As yet there are no New Zealanders buried there ? but the honour of being the first is something that I am not prepared to die for!

The old Clubs are a great institution. I belong to the Hong Kong Football Club and through that I have reciprocal rights at many Clubs. We have stayed at the Tollegonge Club in Calcutta, the Presidency Club in Madras, the Royal Bombay Yacht Club, the Penang Club, the Ipoh Club, the Melaka Club and the National Liberal Club in London. We have also enjoyed hospitality at many more clubs, including the Saturday Club in Calcutta, the Gymkhana Cub in Bombay, the Keletan Club, the Singapore Cricket Club and many more. Without exception we have received a great welcome and we have formed lasting friendships.

(I know all the Indian names have changed, I am just too lazy to look them up. I shall have to start learning as I am off to Mumbai (Bombay) next week.)

and then there's the Australian version.....

Go in to bat first, amass a whopping score, and then declare.
Send the other team in, get them out for a pitiful score.

Do this over again!

Game over in 2 or 3 days!! :p

Born and bred in England and I still havent got the foggiest idea what's happening. I think a lot of English people can say that. Cricket isnt loved by everyone (middle class pursuit?) - football is the most popular sport I would say (soccer)

Thank you, Flanneruk.

The idea of declaring sounds most intriguing, almost seems to make it like a card game.

Five days, though, sounds more like a tournament than a single match.

Have you considered putting it on ice and having the players wear skates? That should speed things up considerably but keep them exciting....

Ah but then it would more or less be ice hockey. We could try it on tennis.. or sumo wrestling.. or 'lifting your luggage into the overhead locker'..?

Why have I ignored this thread for so long? What fun!

My first memory of attending a cricket match was a match held in the grounds of a hospital where my father (an anaesthetist) worked. Most of the players were middle aged doctors who hadn't played for years.

Watching them puff across the field was funny enough before the rainstorm started. Watching them slide across the mud during the rain was even funnier. Especially as their whites became brown and those with comb-over hairstyles transformed to long-haired hippies.

I have no idea why they didn't stop play because of the rain!

And then for some reason they decided I should take charge of the score board. Of course I had no idea what a wicket or inning or anything else was so I just randomly changed numbers every now and then and everyone seemed happy enough.

Of course we never did work out who won!

Cor, Tangata, are you a Kiwi? How fascinating, and the background you gave on the Club! Spygirl LOVES C.Mai-much prefers it to BKK-and the Gallery restaurant on the Ping river-lovely! And then you tell me you're a member of ALL THE CLUBS TO WHICH I'VE NOT YET GONE?? We need to talk, Tangata, on the Asia board, 'cause Spygirl's going to Hong Kong after Christmas time, and wants to know if there's any way she can get into a club there as well, not to mention her next-year trip to India!

Hi Spygirl,

Yes, I am a Kiwi though I left New Zealand in 1968 and haven?t lived there since.

I too much prefer Chiangmai to Bangkok where I lived for 7 years. We have just been there for a week, daughter?s graduation, and I learnt to dislike it all over again. Dirty, polluted and congested.

I am not a member of all of those Clubs, only one. They have a reciprocal arrangement that allows members to use other Clubs for up to two weeks a year. My Club, the Hong Kong Football Club, has 161 reciprocal Clubs from Argentina to Zimbabwe.

I lived in Hong Kong for 22 years, so I am sure that there is some way I can get you into a Club there. E mail me at [email protected] . I can?t help with India though, however hopefully I will be spending next year in Mumbai, so I may be able to help there.

Tangata! My new best friend! How very sweet and generous of you-really! I may well email back in the future, as I move closer to finalizing the date of my departure, thanks! And your sentiments about BKK mirror mine exactly-Chiang Mai is like a breath of fresh air-literally-and the people of the North are so much warmer and friendlier.

Best wishes to your daughter upon her graduation, and do post back if possible, on the Asia board upon your return from Mumbai-I and others would be most interested in hearing about your impressions of the city!

I've never before imposed on the editor's space sensitivities like this, but I really have to contribute this brilliant attempt to document a radio cricket commentary. It's from Bill Bryson's "Down Under", which I think is published in the US as "A Sunburned Country".

Although born and bred in Australia, cricket has been a lifelong mystery to me. Bryson's version makes as much sense as anything I've heard.

(The scene: Bryson is driving to Adelaide, South Australia. He's on the Sturt Highway, somewhere west of Balranald, in the great emptiness of south-western New South Wales, with only the car radio for company. Now read on....)

"As if to emphasize the isolation, all the area radio stations began to abandon me. One by one their signals faltered ... Eventually the radio dial presented only an uninterrupted cat's hiss of static, but for one clean spot near the end of the dial. At first I thought that's all it was - just an empty clear spot - but then I realised I could hear the faint shiftings and stirrings of seated people, and after quite a pause a voice, calm and reflective, said:

"'Pilchard begins his long run in from short stump. He bowls and - oh, he's out! Yes, he's got him. Longwilley is caught leg-before in middle slops by Grattan. Well, now, what do you make of that, Neville??

"'That's definitely one for the books, Bruce. I don't think I've ever seen medium slow fast pace bowling to match it since Baden-Powell took Rangachangabanga for a maiden ovary at Bangalore in 1948.'

"I had stumbled into the surreal but rewarding world of cricket on the radio.

"After years of patient study (and with cricket there can be no other kind) I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game that the introduction of golf carts wouldn't fix in a hurry. It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavours look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect. I don't wish to denigrate a sport that is enjoyed by millions, some of them awake and facing the right way, but it is an odd game. It is the only sport that incorporates meal breaks. It is the only sport that shares its name with an insect. It is the only sport at which the spectators burn as many calories as the players (more if they are moderately restless). It is the only competitive activity of any type, other than perhaps baking, in which you can dress in white from head to toe and be as clean at the end of the day as you were at the beginning.

"Imagine a form of baseball in which the pitcher, after each delivery, collects the ball from the catcher and walks slowly with it out to center field; and that there, after a minute's pause to collect himself, he turns and runs full tilt towards the pitcher's mound before hurling the ball at the ankles of a man who stands before him wearing a riding hat, heavy gloves of the sort used to handle radioactive isotopes, and a mattress strapped over each leg. Imagine moreover that if this batsman fails to hit the ball in a way that heartens him sufficiently to try to waddle sixty feet with mattresses strapped to his legs, he is under no formal compulsion to run; he may stand there all day, and as a rule, does. If by some miracle he is coaxed into making a misstroke that leads to his being put out, all the fielders throw up their arms in triumph and have a hug. Then tea is called and everyone retires happily to a distant pavilion to fortify for the next siege. Now imagine all this going on for so long that by the time the match concludes autumn has crept in and all your library books are overdue. There you have cricket.

"But it must be said that there is something incomparably soothing about cricket on the radio. It has much the same virtues as baseball on the radio ?an unhurried pace, a comforting devotion to abstruse statistics and thoughtful historical ruminations, exhilarating micro-moments of real action - but stretched across many more hours and with a lushness of terminology and restful elegance of expression that even baseball cannot match. Listening to cricket on the radio is like listening to two men sitting in a rowing boat on a large, placid lake on a day when the fish aren't biting; it's like having a nap without losing consciousness. It actually helps not to know quite what's going on. In such a rarefied world of contentment and inactivity, comprehension would become a distraction.

"'So here comes Stovepipe to bowl on this glorious summer's afternoon at the MCG,' one of the commentators was saying now. 'I wonder if he'll chance an offside drop scone here or go for the quick legover. Stovepipe has an unusual delivery in that he actually leaves the grounds and starts his run just outside of the Carlton and United Brewery at Kooyong.'

"'That's right, Clive. I haven't known anyone start his delivery that far back since Stopcock caught his sleeve on the reversing mirror of a number 11 bus during the third test at Brisbane in 1957 and ended up at Goondiwindi four days later owing to some frightful confusion over a changed timetable at Toowoomba Junction.'

"After a very long silence while they absorbed this thought, and possibly stepped out to transact some small errands, they resumed with a leisurely discussion of the England fielding. Neasden, it appeared, was turning in a solid performance at square bowel, while Packet had been a stalwart in the dribbles, though even these exemplary performances paled when set beside the outstanding play of young Hugh Twain-Buttocks at middle nipple. The commentators were in calm agreement that they had not seen anyone caught behind with such panache since Tandoori took Rogan Josh for a stiffy at Vindaloo in '61. At last Stovepipe, having found his way over the railway line at Flinders Street - the footbridge was evidently closed for painting - returned to the stadium and bowled to Hasty, who deftly turned the bowl away for a corner. This was repeated four times more over the next two hours and then one of the commentators pronounced: 'So as we break for second luncheon, and with 11,200 balls remaining, Australia are 962 for two not half and England are four for a duck and hoping for rain.'

"I may not have all the terminology exactly right, but I believe that I have caught the flavor of it. The upshot was that Australia was giving England a good thumping, but then Australia pretty generally does."

Now you begin to understand why Britain ground to a halt, cars on the side of the road with their drivers giggling helplessly, the day one of our most-respected commentators solemnly reported that X had 'just couldn't quite get his leg over' and the rest of the commentary team slowly dissolved around him.. Still one of the most-repeated radio 'out-takes'.

wonderful!

or indeed when Michael Holding the West Indian bowler was bowling to Peter Willey batting for England and the radio commentator said "The bowler's Holding the batsman's ..." (for sensibilities I'll leave it there!)

I have a faint suspicion old Johnners had a bet on whether he'd get the opportunity to say it...

have we indulged in this commentary far too much????

oh well, just to add. Loved the tea towel explanation, its about as accurate you can get.

flanneruk's explanatino didn't dissappoint and was quite insightful.

Bill bryson is a classic but to add another resource for those wanting to indulge themselves more on the comedic side of cricket go to Billy birmingham's recordings of australian commentaries.

Remember that flanneruk refers to the test version (which is a real test of mind as much as physical prowess and thats why 5 days is needed) as well as the "lite" version which is a total of 100 overs (50 each) over 7 hours. but there are even lighter versions such as the 20 twenty comp as identified.

The best way is to get someone to explain it to you whilst watching it. One game will be enough so that you can appreciate your son's new found joy....good on him.

Oh, and let me say that "tea" is not only taken in cricket but it is treated with sacred respect. It is a proud tradition that common sense cannot tamper with. to do so would be sacriligious.

let me give you an example.

lets say a game starts and half hour into it it starts raining and no play is possible. Lets now say that the rain stops then the pitch is prepared so that play can resume. lets then say that the scheduled tea break is 20 minutes after play resumes (a playing session is normally 2 hours at a time) and that it looks like more rain is possible. well commonsense tells you that you should play while the sun shines right? wrong. tea will be taken at the designated time nonetheless.

Gotta love cricket

Oh and trying to understand it by watching the "lite" version may seem more digestable but will not let you appreciate the real game.

Back in the '70s there arose calls for "brighter cricket", and eventually the "lite" one-day matches, featuring coloured outfits, were launched at the behest of an Australian media tycoon named Kerry Packer. At the time a journalist and cricket aficionado complained that such calls completely missed the point: in his view, cricket was a religious experience, not a sport. It was said that the Dalai Lama once watched a game, and it agreed with his sensibilities.

My first and last experience of cricket was when I was conscripted onto a school team and sent to field somewhere several miles from the pitch. As it was a warm day I decided to take a nap, and despite this making no difference to the outcome of the game (I couldn't catch or throw to save myself, and no balls came my way anyway) I was sacked.

Hi Elaine. As a Brit (female) I really do not understand the finer points of the game but if you are caught up in a discussion with some Brits about cricket you could mention "silly mid-off", "silly mid-on" &"leg before wicket" Do not ask me what they all mean but I assure you they are authentic cricketing terms. Have fun

Now, shall we start a thread on explaining the offside rule..?

(having lit blue touchpaper, retires immediately)

I used to be a serious cricketer back in the 70's. All I can say is that for humour it is a wonderful game. I was an opening bowler and all I can say is that I was the subject of far too many jokes about "my balls" !

Neil OZ that was sooo funny. I had to send it to my friend who watches all NZ cricket matches and then gets the series on DVD.

But I love cricket!!! There is nothing better than sitting in the sun, drinking, eating, reading and occasionally watching some cricket when it gets exciting.

OZ might be the best team in the world but NZ is definately the best looking team! (My 2c)