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-   -   HELP!!! Urgent need to find perfect vacation!!! (https://www.fodors.com/community/caribbean-islands/help-urgent-need-to-find-perfect-vacation-587297/)

ejcrowe Feb 1st, 2006 11:42 AM

HELP!!! Urgent need to find perfect vacation!!!
 
Okay, my husband and I are getting ready to celebrate a special anniversary and we've decided on the Caribbean. We're pretty laid back and flexible, but here are a few things we're looking for:

1)a really pretty island, lush and mountainous
2) beautiful white sand beaches that go on and on, where you can walk along them forever
3) lots of glitzy shopping available
4) something really romantic & private
5) lots of night life, preferably with a casino
6) gorgeous, turquoise water
7) good snorkeling, right from the beach.
8) cultural & historical sites, but preferably right there at the resort so we don't have to leave
9) no poverty. We don't want to be bothered by seeing poor people.
10) something exclusive. We don't want to see any natives no matter where we visit. Definitely no pesky beach vendors trying to make a living.
11) really EXCELLENT food. no buffets.
12) did I mention privacy?
13) no nudity or toplessness on the beach. i'm far too much of a prude to feel comfortable seeing a naked body.
14) We don't want to travel all day to get there.
15) We have a budget of about $50/night to work with, including food and airfare.

THat's all I can think of just now, but I'm sure I could come up with more preferences. So, any suggestions?

OKay, so I'm just having a little fun here. It's a slow day at work and I thought I'd compose a list of requirements that was both impossible and offensive. Can you think of anything I left off?

MaryD Feb 1st, 2006 11:56 AM

Absolutely NO BUGS, at all, none.

faithie Feb 1st, 2006 11:59 AM

OKAAAAYYYY ! I was thinkin , uh oh !!! lol , why arent you naughty today . Tsk...Tsk .... Where is Marion , LOL , Just Kiddin !! Got my pics in hand today , turned out great except the ones of me , BOO HOO , isnt that always the way !!! Pehaps I neeed to look into that clinic in Thailand ... watdya think !!

faithie Feb 1st, 2006 12:00 PM

A place for my surgery should be on the list remember !!!

ejcrowe Feb 1st, 2006 12:06 PM

Ooh, MaryD, you're so right. No bugs. And definitely no wildlife of the creepy crawly variety, so no lizards or snakes. Maybe a few pretty birds to admire from afar, but definitely not around the breakfast table.

And while I'm at it, definitely NO RAIN.

sandyjoy Feb 1st, 2006 01:37 PM

You left out "a plunge pool or a beach where WE can be naked and topless"

A_Traveller Feb 1st, 2006 01:43 PM

How about very secluded beaches where we can be alone but have access to beach bars, watersports, jetskis and parasailing.

cw Feb 1st, 2006 02:52 PM

don't forget the spa and workout room, "American" TV, and free wireless internet connection.

cw

MSQ Feb 1st, 2006 03:07 PM

This is funny!!! I am sure that someone in Las Vagas will build all of this indoors somewhere next to Egypt, Venice and New York without the dirt crime or NATIVES

alya Feb 1st, 2006 04:32 PM

Lots of activities for our children and fully trained Nannies on-site with up to date Police references. Oh, and no noise from other peoples children :-)

brenandg Feb 1st, 2006 06:33 PM

Lets not forget that the "plunge pools" should be heated, way too cold. And in poss' case, king bed required. Awwww, poss, we still love ya :)!

ejcrowe Feb 2nd, 2006 05:00 AM

Thanks, folks. You've really made my day with your responses. And to add, I'd really like a step-n-fetchit type of service at my beck and call, at all hours, with a large smile. I can't imagine what could give someone more pleasure than serving my every whim.

Laby Feb 2nd, 2006 05:46 AM

I'd add one more that even our experienced travelers sometimes succumb - that there be no construction or American presence (physical or cultural) to spoil our paradise, regardless of the many local jobs that these eyesores provide. And, of course, no cruise ships.

DaveJJ Feb 2nd, 2006 06:56 AM

I would like to add.....the hotel has a dedicated staff who, by special arrangement, will go out to the pool before sunrise and put your towel on your favourite lounge chair and then babysit it all day so that you don't have to bother getting up to do it yourself nor rush to get to the pool before your good and ready...2:00 p.m. sounds good. Pity those poor unfortunates who don't realize this service is available...oh well they'll have it made in the shade.

ScottB Feb 2nd, 2006 07:36 AM

ejcrowe,

Are you telling me that this place you describe doesn't exist? Say it isn't so!!

Thanks for the smile.....

MSQ Feb 2nd, 2006 09:30 AM

No need for the staff to save your chair because of the secluded beach that you are going to, and of course in this resort there would be an abundance of chairs all ideally situated with view sun AND shade and no one else too near by.

otto Feb 2nd, 2006 09:54 AM

ha! you got me ejcrowe. how about "staff that isn't rude", "no hurricanes", "direct service from ny", 1 week before easter? ;-D

Diana Feb 2nd, 2006 10:01 AM

HOW did I miss this thread for so long?

Folks, I gotta hand it to you - these are some GREAT answers. The dryness of the humor has me needing moisturizer!

Here are a few more: (sorry if I duplicate anything..)

No wind, no humidity, no rain - 100% sun and 80 degrees are required. ((#))

Only English should be spoken and US dollars accepted.

I'd need to be able to get my favorite _____________ (fill in blank with one - or more - of the following: food, drink, beer, magazines, tv show, make-up) at the resort.

The walls of my room should be a minumum of 3' thick so as to avoid any noise from neighboring rooms.

Housekeeping should contact me daily to determine my schedule so as to avoid cleaning my room when it is inconvenient for me - but of course should not expect a tip. (A tip?! Does anyone actually tip housekeeping?)

Each bartender and wait staff member should be alerted on the day of my arrival that I am to wait no longer than 45 seconds between being seated at the bar or restaurant to obtain prompt and courteous service.

The way I look at it, I am paying GOOD money to go on vacation, and I expect everyone to realize that and be appreciative that I have chosen their island and resort and to do whatever it takes to make ME happy - despite the fact that I will NEVER say thank you OR tip more than 5%. ((6))

marigold Feb 2nd, 2006 01:00 PM

Doesn't the sand have to be white as teeth that have just been bleached at the dentist's office? It also should be soft as powder. The water, it goes without saying, has to be that clear acqumarine blue. The waves shouldn't be too big or too small. As for the snorkeling,.......

ejcrowe Feb 2nd, 2006 01:27 PM

Diana, I was hoping you'd chime in. One of your comments reminded me of some poor person's trip report many moons ago. Yes, English must be spoken, but it must spoken where I can understand it and not "jived up" as that one poster put it.

AS for wave action, I mostly want it to be calm like bathwater. But occasionally I would want it with moderate wave action for body surfing, and I don't think it's asking too much for the waves to be directed at my whim. After all, it's my hard-earned dollars at work.

And definitely no additional tipping. I mean, hey--I'm already shelling out 50 bucks a night. Some of that must go to the staff, right? And they're probably too lazy to earn anything else anyway.


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