QANTAS
 

Some of you will have this already but I think it is worth sharing with all of you.
Liz

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs r! eplacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!! )
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget

Liz, that's the best laugh I've had all say.... but, then again, I've just spent a day running a party for nine ten-year-old girls, so I'm at the stage where I'd think ANYTHING was comic relief!

Sorry to be a party pooper, Liz, but these snippets are everywhere on the Web and of American origin. (For a start, the Australian spelling for that thing that encloses the wheel isn't 'tire').

As a former Qantas employee I can report that we did have accidents, but no fatalities. I can also report that the flippancy displayed in these reports would not have been attempted, let alone tolerated, in Qantas. There was nothing called a 'gripe sheet', 'gripe' being a distinctively American term.

Thanks Liz, those were pretty funny!

Neil - perhaps a "whinge list" is the more accurate term? I get one of those from my wife each weekend ;)

((B))

Liz

Someone sent me this some time last year and I laughed till I cried and I did the same again today. Thanks. I am an Aussie too.

J

Dear Neil, I know dear that you were with Qantas and I know the spelling would upset you but I just thought that I could lighten some people up a bit and if that carried you along with it - I would have been a "good girl" for the day :0)
I was going to change the spelling so that the purists would not get upset but didn't in the end.
Qantas is big enough to take that on the chin and grin and it is correct that they have not killed anyone yet.

Flew Quantus business class from LAX to Sydney return - Champagne while waiting to take off, ala carte meals and wonderful crew made for a wonderful trip.

John, you learnt well - "whinge list" sounds about right! And Liz, I'm no purist - although it mighty be time to issue my regular reminder everyone that there's no "u" in Qantas, a "y" in Sydney and a "k" in Auckland!
But this must be a particularly literate board, because hardly anyone gets "itinerary" wrong.