Australia: Handy Hints
 

This extract from an unnamed tourism website was sent to me yesterday, and although it's a little lengthy I thought it might be useful for intending visitors. It lists a number of common questions about travel in Australia, together with answers from helpful Australian readers - very much like our own dear Fodors forum. The style may be a little direct, but the posters obviously mean well. I doubt that people of any particular nationality will be offended by this directness (either that, or all will).

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

4. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

5. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

6. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

7. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers, like we do.

8. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

9. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

10. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

12. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan fruit and nut gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Where do you find these gems???

I'm not certain if the US or Canada will be able to keep a straight face while you're roaming around. When (by the way) are you coming over? We'll have to have some plucked chickens ready for you.

Good one Neil, or should I say good ones Neil.

I was told that it was compiled from old Fodors threads that the editors zapped because the answers were in bad taste. Seriously, a friend in Queensland passed it on but it seems to have been circulating for a few years.

LN, as for the US, I've been getting nervous ever since I read about a snack called "buffalo wings". I didn't know that among all their other sins the CIA had bred flying buffalos, and I'm a bit worried about what happens when their wings get tired and they decide to land. Should I rent a Hummer with a reinforced roof?

>>I didn't know that among all their other sins the CIA had bred flying buffalos, and I'm a bit worried about what happens when their wings get tired and they decide to land. Should I rent a Hummer with a reinforced roof?<<

And you thought the falling chickens were bad...

Lee Ann

Neil - in addition to the Buffalo Wings, you must try Rocky Mountain Oysters! Heh heh heh...

John, despite appearances to the contrary I did NOT come down in the last shower...

Hi, Neil,
Thank you for making me ache a little more! I have a viral achey flu, and while waiting for the Panadol to take effect thought I'd check the web-site out. I'm just about to print it out to send to my sister in Surfers, and to our young gullible friend who for several years believed there were crocodiles walking down the main street of Cairns, and that when you flew to Cairns you landed on an island, and were rowed into Cairns. Don't know where he got that from, but believed my sister when she confirmed it!!
Dot

Dot, Crocodiles are constantly found in and around Cairns and Port Douglas.

The beaches of Port Douglas and Cairns are often closed due to Crocodiles and the beaches are next to main roads.

A few weeks ago a croc was found just a couple of feet from the car park of one of our largest shopping malls.

A couple of years back a croc was run over by a 4wd at the intersection of Woodward Road and Sheriden Street.

This year at a place called Bamaga on the tip of Cape York a young croc was kicked out of a river by a big old croc. This young croc was found walking through the grounds of the local hospital heading towards the emergency entrance. Funny thing was, he was actually injured by the old croc. A couple of the Islanders that work as divers for us insist the doctor at the hospital worked on the croc. They say the young croc was then dropped back into a different river that did not have a resident male, so he could recover in peace.

During the wet season when we do experience good rain (not this year ) the Cairns airport does look very similar to an Island.

You do not have to row to the terminal, but if the rain comes at the same time as a high tide the water is just inches from the runway. There were many occasions as kids we would row from Palm Cove across areas that are now housing estates to get into school.

Yobfeer.

We're off to the Hippo Racing tmorrow night! Got a bucket of Bundy and will try the urine trick to avoid those flamin' drop bears. Thanks for the tips!

Hi, yobfeer,

Thank you for the croc info. I have been to Cairns for the last two Septembers for a week each time, and am fully aware of the crocodiles preference for certain beaches which are close to Cairns' streets, along the Daintree, on the beach at Cape Trib, etc. I enjoy soaking up the local history, and regularly check out what is happening in Cairns, as it is a place we would like to move to.
Dot

That's the spirit, Lyndie - but don't forget to come naked! And please stay on the footpath - this is not Pamplona, after all, and we wouldn't want any nasty accidents.

So, that'll be Tuesday night - let's say 8:00 pm, corner of Darlo and Bayswater Roads, shall we? I need to tee up my mates, but just to help you finish off that bucket of Bundy, mind.

Personally, I'd plan on moving on before the Vienna Boys' Choir, a.k.a. the Wienerschnitzel Ensemble of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Choir, arrives. Their lederhosen and dirndls are stunning, but the moustaches are a trifle inauthentic. However, the lad who plays Julie Andrews is excellent, and his encores ("Tomorrow Belongs to Me" from "Cabaret", followed by "I Still Call Australia Home") are absolute show-stoppers - both Liza and Liza would be thrilled. Broadway, eat your heart out.

Silly me, I meant to say that both Liza and Peter would be thrilled. Also, I should have been made it clear that it's the moustaches on the girls that are the inauthentic touches, although their shoes certainly look more comfortable than the boys' footwear. Somehow stillettoes and lederhosen never seem to quite go, do they?

>>Somehow stillettoes and lederhosen never seem to quite go, do they? <<

Shiny black lederhosen, maybe, with some fishnet stockings...and maybe a pair of those possum fur nipple warmers?

Lee Ann

Fact is often stranger than fiction folks. My husband and I lived in Saudi Arabia for 18 months and worked and co-existed with a lot of Americans. Here are a couple of typical questions we were asked and our very straight faced replies ( well... we just couldn't help ourselves).
1. Where did you learn to speak English so well.
A. Well, we were very lucky that when the Presbyterian Ministry came out from England they came to our area and we were able to learn English from them.
2. Do you guys have radio and tv in Australia - my uncle is thinking about opening a tv station down there?
A. Well, we do have radio but this tv invention is just sensational - never seen anything like it - oh definitely send your uncle he will make a fortune down under.
3. What do you use for money?
A. Have you ever heard of a bark tree? No? Well it's an Australian native tree and it's law that every back yard must have one of these trees as it has very stringy bark . As you need money you strip of pieces of bark. However, you must be very particular about the size of the pieces as different sizes mean different amounts of money.
Q. How long did it take you to drive here?????
A. After picking my jaw off the floor found myself speechless actually.

Another tip - never ask an American for a rubber - when you actually mean an eraser - that was a very confusing conversation let me tell you.
Oh the Yanks - you gotta love em.

This is the funniest thread I've read in awhile :)

And take Claret's advise--don't ask for a rubber in the US

Nor should you wear Roots brand clothing in Australia

The headquarters of the L. J. Hooker real estate franchise, Hooker House, used to cause some confusion (or interest) among visiting Americans who weren't aware that Australia was quite such a liberal society.

Then there's the American "fanny pack", which can cause alarm in Australia ... here the word applies to a different part of the anatomy.

There was a thread on the Europe forum dealing with British vs American expressions, and until I read that I hadn't realised that Americans find a request for "the toilet" somewhat indelicate - it seems that word is reserved for the actual porcelain device, not the room housing it. The world is full of traps for the unwary, isn't it?

I love this thread!

And it reminds me of when I was in 8th grade and my dear friends cousin (and parents) came to visit in California from Scotland.

I cannot tell you how many students asked my friends cousin "where did you learn to speak English so well". That gave us evenings of giggles.

One of our South American students 10 years ago had some fun with his friends who showed their ignorance of NZ when Alejandro came to stay with us. The friends were concerned he would be living in a grass hut, and would have to wear a grass skirt too, as well as not having electricity, etc. Needless to say, their ignorance was played upon with great relish by Ale.
'Tis sad that some people on the 'other side of the world' really know so little about the 'top of the world' that so many of these questions have to be asked. DO LOVE THE RESPONSES THOUGH!!
Dot

What the heck - here's the rubber conversation!!!
Me - "Have you got a rubber?"
Her - "I beg your pardon?"
Me - "A rubber, have you got one?"
Her - "What do you want it for?"
Me - "Because I've made a mistake"
Her - "Well, isn't it a bit late?"
Me - "Pardon?"
Her - "It's a bit late isn't it?"
Me - "What?"
Her - "Look what do you want?"
Me - "A rubber"
Her - "And what are you going to do with it?"