RED ALERT: Memo from the New Delhi Secret Tourist Police -

Late last night a fingerless foreigner was spotted falling, apparently drunk, out of a rickshaw in front of the Shangri-La Hotel. We do not know the identity of the other occupant.

He was next seen the following afternoon shouting abuse at a street shoe-cleaning man in a park near Connaught Circus. Officers followed him closely, observing him muttering profanities while wiping what looked like dog-pooh off his suede slip-ons.

Only minutes later one undercover officer noted him speaking loudly to a group of young teenage boys. Once again, he used the 'F' word. The lads were engaged in what we call 'eve-teasing'. In this man's culture it is apparently NOT O.K. to physically molest white tourist women sitting on the grass.

Obviously he is lunatic and dangerous. We have locked him in his room.

This person is being deported to Bangkok tomorrow morning. A cordon has been thrown around the Thai Business Class Check-in counter in preparation for his arrival at 9.30 a.m. Full alert will only be relaxed when the flight takes off at 11.45 a.m.

Make sure this man is not allowed back into the country till he has calmed down.

END OF REPORT
Please copy to Azamara Cruise Lines.

Oh, dogster, you'll feel better when you are back to civilization: Bangkok.

does this mean what I think?! I hope.. :D

Sawadee krab Dogster, welcome home.. Have a drink for me tonight!

He's lost his fingers and his mind! Poor puppy. Best be on your way to Thailand ASAP.

Are any Fodorites in Thailand right now to comfort our dear friend and make everything all better?

It's a miracle.

On arrival in Bangkok Dogster's fingers suddenly grew back. His mind will never quite be the same - but that's fairly normal, given the nature of his adventures.

He has to throw away his laundry-wallah'd dead clothes, dispose of his ex-Calvin Kleins [now a Ganges shade of muddy brown], eat food that looks and tastes clean, guzzle salads and milk, marvel at the miracle of the Siam Paragon, Zen and Central World - and remember that there are people in the world who don't want every dollar he possesses.

But he survived.

How long will you be in BKK, Dogster?

Two days Mang.

But remember, Dogster is the ghost who walks. He can not be seen by mortal man. If sighted or spoken to, all illusion is dashed.

Then you would realise that he is, in fact, a beautiful young woman writing creative prose under a nom de plume.

Dog-namit.

Ooh, you too have lost clothing to the "dhobi" (laundry guys)! Them and the iron-wallahs are dangerous.

But, so glad things are looking up. :)

Clearly you are already feeling better, dogster. I knew Bangkok would help. As you have time (before the cruise - you are still going, yes?) I know we'd all enjoy some tidbits about your adventures. I know the full telling will only occur after some time for digestion.

It's 4.35 a.m. in Dogland and I'm suffering my second night of disturbed sleep. Where am I? I can't exactly claim jet-lag; New Delhi is only 90 minutes behind BKK, more a kind of confusion. Am I in Udaipur, Delhi, Ahmdabad? I had to get up and check. Things are swirling around in my head, aching to be let out and put onto paper.

That's the plan on the boat, Kathie - during the long boring days with the 660 other cruisers and snoozers, I'd rather seen myself holed up in my cabin with my stories. On the assumption that nobody will want to talk to me - my experience on similar ocean-going adventures full of upwardly mobile, self involved and self-important people of the cruising fraternity.

A glimpse through the hallowed halls of www.cruisecritic.com reveals a level of self-absorbtion and rank stupidity that won't make my separation too hard. As a matter of fact, I prefer eating alone. That way I taste and enjoy the food instead of talking too much.

Dog has an overdeveloped sense of dining room conscience, believing that, if a group of people are seated together for a meal, they may as well taqlk - and if they're going to talk, it may as well be about something interesting. At the first sign of dumbness, Dog diverts the conversation to something more interesting. Consequently I never taste the food. Can't eat and think at the same time.

So, with luck, I'll have a swag of stuff before I get off. On the assumption I don't get off in Singapore.

Bankok won't be a place for reflection - it'll be full of practicalities before I fall off the known face of the civilized world into la-la cruising land where the drinks are expensive and the conversation cheap. Not to forget the daily quiz and napkin-folding demonstrations.

It'll be every bit as tribal as deepest Gujarat.

Will you be sporting camouflage onboard?

Camouflage - LOL. Has everyone seen that thread by now! :D

Great picture. I think every dog needs a camo jacket - ESPECIALLY Dogster. We can pool our pennies together and buy it for him as a surprise birthday present!

Next time he's in India, he can wear it and hide as needed from the cops and Jimmies.

My friend's greyhound sports a drizabone coat! Maybe that would be appropriate for our Dogster. Hope you manage to stock up on everything in Bangkok Doggie - its a good restorative to person and dog.

Looking forward to all those stories soon so hope you manage to stay on the cruise for a bit. I can understand why you don't get to eat much on those cruises - you must be talking full pelt.

I think I'd have to vote the Dogster as one of the most desirable dinner guests - you know those sort of questions they ask in interviews - who would you most like to share dinner with? It certainly could be fun unless everyone else was just too stupid and then Dog would savage them nicely.

The Dogster seems to like distance from familiarity :)

I met him once, sitting under a palm tree in Rabaul. It was New Year's Eve 2002 - or 3, I can't remember. He was tired and emotional, smelling vaguely of cheap wine and vomit, surrounded by natives who had rescued him from the incoming tide.

I came to the same conclusion.

Then a huge black fellow scooped him up and carried him bodily to a car, dumping him gently in the back seat. The last I saw of him was one bare foot sticking out the window as they drove away.

I found his shoe, covered in red ants, abandoned not far away. I've kept it ever since as a souvenir. He is a very peculiar man.

roffle