5 Things I Would Rather Do Than Go to Disney in a Pandemic

Fodor’s found some of the most intensely upsetting drinks in the world. The list includes the likes of alcoholic beverages such as baby mouse wine and whale testicle beer, otherwise known as disgusting and undrinkable. But you can guarantee I would pour myself a glass full of either of these before I stepped a toe inside of Mickey’s Magically-Horrid Kingdom. Get close and personal with a bunch of strangers on Magic Mountain or drink glass upon glass of oyster stout? I’m choosing the latter.

Something all Midwesterners will acknowledge but never advertise is that our rivers are less than clean—you can’t be an agricultural hub and not expect runoff. In some situations (ahem, Chicago) the rivers are so tainted that simply getting the water in an open wound could mean a trip to the doctor. Luckily, I have no open wounds. Whether it be the Ohio or the Chicago, I would prefer splashing around in either polluted river to boarding the now infected Splash Mountain.

I’m not talking five-second rule, this has been on the ground for hours. It’s been sitting on the sidewalk under the hot sun, but I’m picking it up and taking on big bite out. Will my stomach hate me for it? Yes. But will I end up in the hospital in need of a lung transplant? Nope! So, we’re eating lunch à la ground.

Let’s be honest, I don’t even enjoy the beach on a hot day because I find the hot sand underneath my feet to be unbearable. A series of quick hops to the water is the only way to find any respite, and yet I’d rather endure something worse–the dreaded hot coal walk. Someone prepare my burning walkway, because blistered soles and a week of elevated feet and burn creams is something I think I’d prefer to the high-temperatured individuals who have decided that riding It’s a Small World is their right.

We all know the one, the spot everyone is avoiding. Each cart always has that single seat that’s just, for no apparent reason, wet. Did someone just come from a swim or, more likely, did we have a pants-peer on board? While this is something I would typically avoid, I think I could handle sitting in a damp seat for a few stops if it meant avoiding Disney mid-pandemic. Is it something I want to do? No. Is it something I would rather do? 100% (we’re tossing those pants once we get home).