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Tara's Vegas Sucker #173 - but ,who's countin'?

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Could my luck get any better? Slingin’ drinks at the Dolphin Bar for a living sure beats what I’ve done in the past. Yeah, you have to put up with the drunks and their stupid come-on lines, and their bad breath, and their toupees, and such. But, the tips are worth it – some nights I clear $70 and I can treat myself to something nice on payday.

During my 12th consecutive workday, I finally catch a break. Another sucker. This one’s from Illinois someplace and I think he’s trying to ask me out. “Okay, big shot, where we goin’?” I ask him. He stutters, “the Buh-buh-bu-buh-Bellagio f-f-for d-d-d-dinner annashow”. For a second, I think to myself, he must be really hammered. Or, maybe he always stutters? I dunno. I told him I’d meet him at another hotel after my shift. I don’t want Steve (my boyfling in the cashier’s cage) to see this guy. We agreed on the Fontana Bar. You have to set the hook and reel these creeps in easily and make them think it’s their idea. You know.

Anyway, after work, I went to change out of my uniform and lost one of my chicken cutlets somewhere. You girls know what I’m saying. So, I had to drive home to repair my brassiere and actually put on a fresh blouse for a good show. I was going to wear the clothes I had in my locker at work. I always feel better in clean clothes, don’t you?

I smoked my last Kool on my break today. I had to stop off and get some more. Love that menthol. I was running late and in a hurry and almost caused a wreck getting to the bar. “Why do I put myself through this?” I wondered. Pulling up my nylons, I put a run in the left one. Oh hell!! Here we go, again. I found Mr. Schmuck at a table, eating and drinking by himself. “Look at him”, I thought. “Have you ever seen anyone more pathetic?” I said sorry and sat down. He was so happy to see me!

I really had to work it to get this guy to order a bottle of wine. “Is he that cheap?” Maybe he lost all his money at the tables again. I dunno. After I asked, pleaded, he finally agreed to order some BV cabaret something. It was good. We had some hotwings and I laughed at his dumb jokes. “When are we going to the show?” I kept wondering to myself and lit another cigarette. He really is broke, isn’t he?

All the bald, hairy, drunk guys from the Midwest think they can simply throw some money around and a girl like me will fall for it. What losers! Anyway, it’s amazing what a woman can get if she plays her cards right.

Then, he surprised me by suggesting that we go to the buffet at Circus-Circus! Whoo-HOO!! C’mon big spender!! Let’s go before he changes his mind. We arrived and were seated and I have to admit that I agreed to a bit of an eating contest. That guy can really pound groceries! I tried as had as I could, but I just couldn’t keep up with him. It really is startling because I must outweigh him by 65 lbs. I jokingly asked if he had a hollow leg where he was puttin’ all that food. Oh, my horror, when he winked and he removed his leg and placed it on the table!! I was soooo embarrassed!! We had a few more beers and laughed it off, though.

Later, he blurted out that he wanted to take me to see Danny Gans. I thought, “I’ve seen him 20 times, but what the heck? What else was I going to do?” I really felt bad for this guy because he kept telling me how much money he was losing at the tables. I learned during my first week here in Vegas, in 1953, never to bother. A person might as well just hand over the money when they check in and go straight to the bars and the shows.

That night, when I got home, I learned that my boyfriend had dumped me for some younger 51-year-old hussie cashier from Walgreen’s. Felt like dumping all my cat litter on his car in the parking lot. What a jerk.

I met Bart at a hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant downtown called Chen-Ling Fens. For an out-of-towner, how did he find this place? It was okay for $4.99 each. I might go back. We had to rush to get to the show and find our seat with the ushers. Danny, Danny, Danny. I could do his whole show myself. Well, if I was a man. And, if my voice didn’t sound like I’d been gargling 80-grit sandpaper for 45 years. Those cigarettes. If it ain’t the lungs, it’s the voice. Over time, they really beat you up.

After the show, we went back to Bart’s hotel room, ‘cause my cousin, Marvin, is crashing at my trailer, and I don’t want to have to explain again, (for the hundredth time) “He’s my cousin, not my boyfriend!” All the suckers in Vegas get jealous when they find another rooster in the henhouse, eh ladies? Anyway, I ain’t cleaning the place for this guy. He’s a mess in the making. Let’s go to the hotel; they have maids.

He couldn’t remember what room number was his. When we did arrive, he couldn’t get the card in the slot the right way, after five tries!! There’s only four ways it could go. No wonder the odds were against him the whole time he was here!

We enter the room and it hit me. The stench hit me. Bart tells me he’s been in town for two nights and already his room is destroyed. I’ve been in a lot of rooms and the windows either don’t open at all or they open 2”. I spotted a can of airspray on the nightstand. I just wanted to run over and spray it all over. Anyhoo, Mr. Loveydovey wants to plant one on me. I’m so liquored up it seemed the time was right.

He kissed like a fish (Woman’s Day, December 1991, p.137) and he smelled like he spent his days in a convalescent hospital. Is “mothball” a cologne? Do they supply soap to their guests at the Mirage? Oh, brother! I suggested several times that we (he, really) take a shower. I may have been in my cups, but I could tell that the well drinks he was downing were starting to make him reek. So, we showered and literally fell into the bed. I let him know that my standard rate was $150/night. He made that face and started to whimper like they always do. I threatened to walk, and he paid up. Loser.

You ever done something and then wished you didn’t do it, but you can’t turn back time? Yeah, this was it. I’m too old to count or admit to how many tricks I’ve had over the years. As usual with suckers his age, it was over before it began. I had to take matters into my own hands, if you know what I mean. I passed out 20 minutes after he did.

Anyway, we must have been laying there like two ships passing gas in the night. I awoke at 3:20am and, Wow! I had a funny feeling about eating at that cheap Chinese place. The sweet & sour always gets me later. Whew!! And this guy’s lettin’ them rip every 10 minutes. I grabbed his can of air freshener spray and after a coupla squirts, the room smelled like somebody crapped in a pine tree.

You get what you pay for – and I didn’t pay for anything!

I think I have a rash. I need to see my doctor soon.

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