Fabulous!

Best way to finally get frustrated and leave cafe in the 4th: Wait outside for 20 minutes for waiter while being completely ignored. Then have waiter insist that you move to table inside empty restaurant. Move inside to new table and be ignored by same waiter for 20 more minutes. Then get up and leave.

Best way to be completely unsure why some things are called art: Check out strange cardboard-looking "sculptures" named things like "Man and Guitar" at Picasso museum.

Best place for quick nap: Bench in the back of the room at the audio-visual display in Picasso museum.

Best name for fast food restaurant ever: Flunch.

Best thing about CDG -- Paul bakery just steps from your gate.

Best Italian word in the entire Italian language: Prego.

Best word for "You're welcome.": See above.

Best word for "Can I help you?": See above.

Best word for "Go ahead and sit here.": See above.

Best word for "What do you want?": See above.

Best new favorite cocktail: Campari and soda, with orange slice.

Best new favorite cocktail snack: Bowl of free peanuts served with Campari and soda.

Best way to run a bakery, especially if it's called Forno in Campo dei Fiori: Have three separate entrances to three separate rooms, and just open whichever one you want, whenever you want.

Best way to be amazed that three people in a small Roman street can sound like 500 people at a party: Try to go to sleep around 11 pm, without earplugs.

Best dessert (besides nocciolata flavored gelato): Amaretto cookies.

Best way to not get a perfect photo of the Pope after his Sunday morning greeting in St. Peter's: Be three people back from the baricade in front of which he drives in the Popemobile, aim your camera for the perfect shot, but most importantly, make sure the guy in front of you waves at the exact moment the Pope drives by so that all you get in your photo is a closeup of his entire forearm. Bonus points if you get a later shot of the Pope's back, now 500 yards down the road from you.

...to be continued...

Love it!

Please continue..... I love your opening para as I've contemplated writing a report when we get home but I do worry that I will be boring?? Your idea is very clever, hope you had a great trip. Cathie

More, more

"Best place to accidentally not turn your flash off right before taking an extreme close-up of world famous painting: Two feet from Van Gogh's self portrait".

Best way for tourists to ensure future generations never get to see that self portrait.

Ah shelly, I love your "Lazy Woman's" report! After you finish your fun and wonderful report maybe I will steal your idea and add a couple of comments of my own, lol.

This is a great read with my afternoon coffee -- thanks!

LOLZ, love it!

This is too funny!! and oh so true.

Best non boring trip report...see above

This is so great. I'm recovering from minor surgery, stuck in bed, bored, found this. OH PLEASE continue. This is the highlight of my day....
Morgiesmom

Very well done!

Best way to feel invisible: Stand directly in front of Alitalia check-in kiosk and study the sign that says in Italian either "Check in with bags" or "Check in without bags," and don't blink an eye when woman walks directly in front of you and uses machine.

Best place to spend the equivalent of $18.48 for two cappuccinos: Right down the street from the Vatican.

Best place to finally figure out how to master the "squat toilet," only to discover afterwards that there actually was a toilet seat, only the last person left it up: A pizza restaurant off a side street by Piazza Navona.

Best emergency toilet access (Paris and Rome): McDonalds.

Best place to walk up 284 steps to find out that I could have taken a lift instead: The Arc de Triomphe.

Best place for my mom to want to smack me upside the head for making her climb 284 steps: See above.

...to be continued...

Bravo! You've given me the best laugh of the day! More please.

shelly- thanks so much for the laughs! Most entertaining! I'm having deja vu.. I am 51 and took my 30-yr-old daughter with me to Paris and Italy last October. We had some similar lessons learned! hahahaha

More!

ps to "ChicagoDallasGirl".. I am a Chicago native living in Dallas area. Keep your eye on Lounge board- hopefully a Dallas GTG soon!

Hilaaaarious, bring it on!

Best place to wonder if you can break your neck falling off 8-foot high ladder: From the loft bed in your Paris studio apartment.

Best place to wonder if that fondue dinner caused you to gain enough weight to cause loft bed to fall from support, crushing your mother in the process, who is sleeping on click-clack bed directly underneath you: See above.

Best way to avoid guy who works in pizza cafe directly across from your Paris apartment, who hangs around outside your door and insists every time you enter or exit your building that you MUST come eat pizza, and then, to the horror of your mother, smacks your butt for going two days without eating pizza in his restaurant: By dodging from doorway to doorway, in the manner of Inspector Clouseau.

Best street performer in Piazza Navona: "Windy Guy," who stays frozen in place and looks like he is walking down a windy street, and makes tons of money for doing nothing more than wiggling his eyebrows at anyone who spots him a euro.

Best mime in Campo dei Fiori: "Sullen Guy," who does some sort of yoga and plays new age music, and makes hardly any money because he just seems to irritated to be there in the first place.

Best way to pat yourself on the back for showing up at the Louvre when there is not one single person standing in line to buy tickets: Go on Thursday at 5 pm, all the while thinking it is Wednesday, the day the Louvre stays open late, until at 5:30 when they announce they are closing in 30 minutes, which makes you realize that you left Florida on Tuesday and arrived in Paris on Wednesday, and that now it was actually Thursday, and that you had really screwed that one up.

Best way to see the Mona Lisa, Winger Victory, Diana the Huntress, and Venus de Milo in 15 minutes: RUN!

Best thing to hear your Vatican Museum tour guide say in your headphones when you can't even see her, and your group of 20 is dispersed throughout 10,000 people in three different rooms: "Mama mia! Where are all my peoples?"

Best way to learn lesson No. 1 of Paris city living, which is don't stand too close to the edge of the sidewalk: Get muddy water splashed all over your jeans while you are perusing a map of the 7th, because you can see the Eiffel Tower, but you can't figure out how to get there from here.

This is fabulous! Thanks!

"Best place to walk up 284 steps to find out that I could have taken a lift instead: The Arc de Triomphe."

I know, I know...but PLEASE don't tell my sister, who I dragged up to the top in the midst of her pneumonia on the day she forgot to take her blood pressure medication... ooops.

Love it! Did you make your Mom climb to the top of the cupola at St. Peter's?

Loving the report, shelly! I'm heading to Paris in about a week and love hearing about your lessons!

Fabulous trip report shelly!

I will add Lugano to best emergency McDonald's restroom; eternally grateful.

I hope you take questions at the end....did pizza cafe guy really smack your bottom?!!!

Thanks everyone for the nice comments. We really had so many funny moments on this trip, and it's fun to relive them with people who actually know what I'm talking about.

LoveItaly: Please, by all means, add your own. Would love to read them.

Amy: Believe it or not, my mom actually had an emergency appendectomy 2.5 weeks before we left. For a while there, I thought I might be going on my own, but she recovered just in time to leave and she held up pretty well during the whole trip. She really did, however, want to smack me when we got to the top. Those steps did her in for a good while.

Sandi: I wanted to climb to the cupola, but was willing to take the lift for her sake, but screwed up the whole thing (details to come later) and we never made it up there.

...to be continued...

ncounty: Yeah, he really did smack my bottom. Then he pinched my cheeks (on my face!). My mom was ready to smack him back.

Shelly....I have never laughed so hard at 10:00 AM before!! thanks so much. I have traveled with my daughter 3 different trips so I know how much fun it can be.

I would love any details you would like to share on your Paris apartment.

thanks....lynda

OMG Shelly, I can't believe it! I've had many comments on my bottom but never been smacked! in front of one's mother even... Hilarious.

LOL...Love your report! Can't wait to read the rest!

Sarge56 and Lynda: It was fun traveling with my mom. When we were about 10 days into our two-week trip, she started concocting plans for our next trip...she's thinking Milano and Venezia.

I'm thinking she better give my dad and my husband at least a few years to recover from being substitute soccer moms before bringing that scheme up for discussion. (Details below.)

Lynda: We rented this apartment http://tinyurl.com/6xy94k from VacationinParis.com, whom I highly recommend. We prepaid in USD via Paypal. They were extremely organized and helpful. The location was perfect. We could walk to everything, and take the Metro (Odeon stop) to everything else. On our block alone, there was an internet cafe, laundromat, grocery store, and more cafes and bars than I can count.

It's a studio, and was small, as expected. We didn't mind the size so much, as the fact that the carpet and furnishings were a bit tatty. There was a washer/dryer, but it was pretty much unusable, as we were told not to run it after 5 pm because the noise disturbs the neighbors. Having a W/D was a priority for me, so that was the one thing that I did not like about this place. However, if you're looking for value and location over luxury, and can deal with that issue, I would recommend it. Also, keep an eye out for the pizza guy.

Best way to provide feeling of sweet vindication to Roman laundromat owner: To save precious time and money, insist that your two washer loads can fit in one dryer load, much to his chagrin, and then sheepishly ask him to run the dryer one more cycle because everything is still damp after the first dry.

Best way to provide self with sweet vindication: Receive email from dad after first week away in which he states that he is exhausted and cannot understand how one could do so much cleaning, do so much laundry, and keep track of various family member activities.

Best way not to climb the cupola at St. Peter's Basilica: Walk out of the Basilica and get caught up in tidal wave of German tourists leaving by stairs. At end of stairs, ask 13-year-old-looking Vatican guard how to get to Dome entrance, and then give up and leave when he motions that you have to go through the entire line again to get back inside. Also, try to convince your mother that if you walk up the stairs backwards, he might not notice that you are going back up, but might think you are coming down slowly. Give up plan when guard stares intently at you, waiting for you to make your move.

Best way to feel invisible, part deux: Move laundry from washer to dryer in Parisian laundromat. When gentleman opens dryer door next to yours, essentially blocking entrance to your dryer (that you were using PRIOR to his arrival), stand back politely and wait for him to finish. When he finishes and turns to you, presumably to thank you for waiting patiently, don't be shocked when he instead glares at you to move back so he can get into the dryer in front of which you are now standing. To help promote improved Franco-American relations, do not stick your tongue out at him when he leaves.

Best way to nag your daughter from another continent: Check her grades online, and then send her an email telling her to work harder in Civics, because that is her easiest class. Sign off immediately, and celebrate transatlantic nagging with glass of prosecco at nearest cafe.

Best way to totally look like an American: Buy three bottles of Coca Light from internet cafe because they are on sale for the low, low price of 1E, and then carry them through the Campo to your apartment. Feel supreme smugness for finding such a deal.

Best tip gleaned from obsessive repeat watching of Passport to Europe on TiVo: At Paris Metro ticket machines, scroll bar down to select English as the language. Use this skill in front of other tourists to amaze them with your brilliance.

Best way to mentally erase post you had been formulating about how Alitalia was not as bad as everyone said: Go to baggage claim at CDG and hear from agent that not one single piece of luggage from your flight was loaded in Rome, and that all the baggage from that flight will arrive on the next flight from Rome, which is already 30 minutes later than scheduled.

Best thing to do while waiting in CDG for baggage: Get a sandwich mixte from Paul, try to help ladies from Minnesota use the pay phone, and speculate what could have possibly caused Alitalia to not load one single piece of luggage.

Best theory on why not one single piece of luggage was loaded: They forgot.

Best handshake of peace ever: During mass in St. Peter's Square, with people from several different countries.

Best sound of sweet familiarity upon arrival back in Miami: "Bienvenidos a Miami." Note to self: Also learn Spanish before traveling to France and Italy next time.

Best welcome home statement from 10-year-old son: "What did you bring me? I'm a kid, so that's the most important thing for me to know."

And finally...
Best way to annoy your friends for months after arriving home: Start every conversation with "Bonjour," and end it with "Ciao." Also, mention how different everything is done in Europe whenever possible.

What a great report! You're a wonderful writer.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, shelly.

Very entertaining. Love the part about nagging your daughter about her grades.

Oh, so many good ones! But I think my favorite is this one:

Best thing to hear your Vatican Museum tour guide say in your headphones when you can't even see her, and your group of 20 is dispersed throughout 10,000 people in three different rooms: "Mama mia! Where are all my peoples?"

You are right - we can get this humor more than most, many of us having been there and done that. Thank you so much for a very fun read.

Brilliant!

Love your report shelly, I can only imagine how much fun you are to travel with. And I imagine the Parisians and Romans survived?

Ok...

Best way to get the attention of an owner of a small boutique shop in Rome who has been ignoring you for fifteen minutes while giving you cold disgusted stares. Pick up one of the products in the store to see if you really want to buy it. That move is guaranteed to get the owner over to you in one second flat. You also get to hear a good scolding in Italian also.

Best way to find out that you do NOT touch the produce in a grocery store with your bare hands in Italy is to do so. Your Italian friend will screech at you and drag you over to the container that holds plastic gloves and while letting you know how ignorant and uncivilized you are will shove one on your hand.

Best way to ruin the evening for a snooty Milan waiter is to let him know when he inquires as to why you are not eating our Crab Louie is that the fact it is covered with mayonaisse and then drenched in olive oil does not appeal to you.

Best way to find out how a waiter in Florence can make money for the restaurant is to go along with his strong suggestion that he pick out the bottle of wine versus the wine you ordered. That is also the best way to remind yourself to always ask the cost in the future when the waiter recommends anything.

Best way to find out there are NO RETURNS once you have paid for an item when shopping in Italy. Even when trying on two different sizes of the same style dress the owner is so busy telling you what a marvelous purchase you have made he wraps up the wrong size dress and you do not discover the error until you put it on to go to dinner that evening. Fortunatly our Italian friend did get the dress returned and the correct size for me the next morning but my friend STRONGLY SUGGESTED I not return to the shop again..seemed a good idea to me!

Just few little things I have learned in Italy, lol.

>my friend STRONGLY SUGGESTED I not return to the shop again<

That is funny!

My mom was on the hunt for toy Smart cars for my son and nephew. She bought two of them in one shop, and then found ones she liked better elsewhere. I told her to keep the first ones. I couldn't even imagine trying to return something. Good thing we didn't try!

Hi shelly, yes I got the message, lol. It is still a funny memory!

BTW, when my son-in-law born and raised and lived in Rome until he came here to N CA heard my daughter say one day the coffee pot they purchased was going to be returned as she did not like it (after using it a couple of times) his eyes got as big a saucers and he argued with her "it was impossible". He was in a daze for the first two years I think regarding our stores return policy. In Italy when you pay for it is is yours..forever..well unless you get rid of it. There are no returns, even regarding defective items.

Great fun reading your " trip report" Shelly, please go back to Europe as I want to read more,,LOL

Thsnk you for letting me know that my DH and I were not the only people who didn't realize there was an elevator to the top of the Arc:

"Best place to walk up 284 steps to find out that I could have taken a lift instead: The Arc de Triomphe."

I would like to add something I learned in Italy:

Best way to learn that you are invisible: Pull the cord over the bathtub because you can't read Italian and assume it is a clothesline, only to learn that it is an emergency cord. And no one comes.

Bravo for a wonderful report!!

Bravo for the most unusual, enjoyable trip report.

OMG Mel...

Best way to be embarrased to death!

Fill the bathtub with bubble bath and hot water. Get undressed, wonder what the cord by the bathtub is for and pull it. Have a maid come rushing into your suite and into your bathroom while you are nude with one foot in the tub. Yep, the emergency cord. That happened to me at the Excelsior Hotel in Florence.

Trust me Mel, that is much worse than being ignored, lol. Guess the maid was use to stupid Americano's though as she smiled, said something along the lines of "no problemo" and backed out of the bathroom.

A mortifiying incident I had put out of my mind until I read your post, lol.

"Best way to forget every syllable of basic traveler's French that you studied for months prior to trip: Stop to look at a restaurant menu, and have a waitress say, "Bonjour." Stare at waitress with mouth hanging open, and then run away like a scared little bunny, all the while worrying that you'll never be able to communicate with anyone for the entire length of your trip."
I love when I read something and it makes me LAUGH OUT LOUD. Tears were shed and everything! Love it!

4: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I have to say it is quite funny to re-read it now, but at the time...I was sure that we would never be able to order food, buy something in the store, or find a toilette, because I was terrified to open my mouth and say anything.

OMG, LoveItaly! What a story. Why do they have those emergency pull things in the bathtub? We were in apartments, so I didn't see any of those.

In 2000 while in Venice, my then 12 yr old son was in the shower while I was getting dressed for the day. I kept hearing what I thought was the buzzer to the front door of the hotel...it rang and rang. Finally there was a knock on our door asking if everything was ok as someone was pulling the emergency cord in the bathroom (over and over).

Also, last year in Rome, my husband got very lucky when he was able to return a compass he bought several days later after it fell apart.

Lesson learned: never pull anything if you don't know what it's for!

Shelly, I'm going to remember the "Mama Mia! Where are all my peoples?" forever and use it whenever possible.

Thanks for the cord stories, Loveitaly and Sandi--misery does love company

Very funny and refreshing trip report...love it. It made my day!

OMG, this was amazingly funny! Thank you!

Re: the emergency cords. I couldn't get the hot water to run in the B&B I stayed in in Venice so, frustrated, I pulled the cord, figuring it was like, on-demand hot water. Magically, the hot water started running. The owners didn't, so I guess I escaped OK. They were sort of a certain age, though.

Sheesh, I just got over my fears of French waiters, sudden Alitalia dissolution, and sneaky little 8-year-old Trevi Fountain prowling pickpockets, only to have it replaced by a new fear of the mysterious emergency bathtub cord.

Shelly, just do NOT touch any hanging cord in an Italian hotel bathroom! Trust me, DON'T.

But your delightful thread and the other fun posts from other Fodorites reminded me of another funny story (well I thought it was funny).

When I was little I heard the Italian Language as much as I did the English language so I understood both languages. Sadly as I grew older I "forgot" the Italian language.

Anyway, we were in a a hotel in Milan. My husband had just finished taking his shower and I was sitting by the window in our room reading the International Herald Tribune newspaper. There was a knock on the door and somehow out of my mouth popped "avanti". As soon as I said "avanti" I thought.."why did I say that and what does it mean?". The door opened and a sweet middle aged housekeeper came in and said "buongiorno" to me with a smile and opened up the door to the bathroom. My husband let out a yelp (he was drying off from his shower) and the poor housekeeper backed out, looked at me and indicated she would be back in one hour.

Uhm, "avanti" means "forward" and also "come in". I guess that was a word I had tucked in the back of my brain for a looooong time, lol. More then once an Italian word or expression would pop out of my mouth without any effort on my part.

Anyway dear ones..my husband was not amused, impressed with my Italian language skills or happy with me for several hours, lol.

I'll bet the housekeeper is still telling her friends about that!

Best place to finally figure out how to master the "squat toilet," only to discover afterwards that there actually was a toilet seat, only the last person left it up..

LOL
This is SO great, keep writing, please !!
You must have forgotten some stuff...more, please!!

This is the best

By far one of the best reports I have read in a long time - sounds like you had tons of fun!

Thanks for your "lazy" report!

Thanks Scarlett for showing me this thread. I..ahem..found out (Italy) how a Bidet worked! Hey, I was much younger!!

Well, I'm glad y'all are enjoying my stories, as my husband, kids, and close friends have already started rolling their eyes every time I say, "In Paris, we..."

I'll wrack my brains and see if I can remember more.

...to be continued...

IIRC - The elevator at the Arc was for handicapped, pregnant or those with strollers, not for general use.

Does three weeks post-emergency appendectomy count for elevator use?

Just kidding,. I never would have been able to translate that into French at the ticket booth. Maybe my mom could have pointed to her abdomen, made a scrunched-up face, and groaned?

This is a really funny report! I'm really enjoying it. You should submit it to a travel section of your local newspaper.

Hi kybourbon, in theory the elevator at the Arc is for the categories that you mentioned. However, when I was in Paris I was having terrible trouble with a sore hip after 4-5 weeks of non-stop walking and the thought of all those steps was enough to make me weep!! The attendant was more than happy to take me up in the lift. I walked back down easily. Pitiful I know as I'm not that old, but I was so grateful to her.

In 2007 traveling with my daughter we purchased our tickets to the Arc and the lady looking at my silver gray hair asked if I didn't want to use the elevator.

I didn't take offense but took the stairs as planned! I am 'only' 57 and happy to be able to walk off all extra calories I was so happily consuming.....lynda

Joining all the others in congratulating you for a sweet, funny trip report.

I loved this, too! They were all great, but I have special fondness for:

Best way to nag your daughter from another continent: Check her grades online, and then send her an email telling her to work harder in Civics, because that is her easiest class. Sign off immediately, and celebrate transatlantic nagging with glass of prosecco at nearest cafe.

My teenagers didn't think it was as funny as I did....

Very funny

annette: My daughter didn't think it was funny either.

It was nice getting to put the nag out there without having to hear the response. If only I could email all my nags to her every day!

LoveItaly, I just about choked on my wine from laughing at the "avanti" story!

Thanks for all the laughs - I really needed that!

What a wonderful, and hilarious, trip report.
I laughed out loud at the "Prego" section. That's exactly how I felt in Italy -- why does every waiter & store clerk say the same thing no matter what I try to ask? I know I am butchering phrase-book Italian, but how can this be the answer to everything!!
And everyone I passed in the street seemed to be saying "Allora" to their companions.
It sounds like you had so much fun.

Shelly, i LOVED LOVED LOVED your trip report.

I am so sad you're done with it!!

Shelly,

Your report has been the most enjoyable thing I've read in a very long time! Thank you!

Lily

Best reason to wish it was three weeks ago at this exact moment: Because at 4:50 pm three weeks ago, I was sitting in the Miami airport waiting to board my flight and start my grand two-week dream vacation, instead of sitting in front of my computer, doing everything I can to avoid doing actual work.

Best thing to do while stuck at home working instead of in Miami airport getting ready to board: Read everyone else's questions about their upcoming exciting dream vacations.

You are so funny, Shelly. Thanks for the post. I'm going to Rome this fall, so this is great.

Thanks you! This was so, so funny!

Thanks for your nice comments, everyone!

I'm going to have to change the title of this thread to "Whiny Girl's List of Post-Vacation Complaints." I've only been home one week, but I am already feeling like I want to be on vacation again.

It was so nice when the only thing on my to-do list every day was to decide where to get my daily croque monsieur or which flavor of gelato I want to try that night.

Let's see...which is better:

Schoolwork or scooter-dodging in the streets of Rome?

Frozen Weight Watcher dinners or fresh salads on Rue du Champs de Mar?

Putting away laundry or picking out pastries?

Ah well...as the wise man once said: "It is better to have gone to Paris and Rome, and then come home on a really long flight to Miami, only to be bullied by the girl in customs because you are not allowed to stand and wait for your mother, who filled out her customs declaration in pencil and has to re-write the entire thing, than never to have gone to Paris and Rome at all."

Gosh, just when you think there's no way that someone can come up with a fresh approach to a trip report, there it is! Thanks this has been wonderful.

Wonderful and funny trip report, thank you so much for brightening my day . . . and add me to the list of those who want you to go someplace again so you can post again!

Sandy (in Denton)

Thanks for the trip report I was having such a bad day until reading this!

Prego! Hope your day gets better.