Question on bridal registries in France?
Aug 2nd, 2005, 10:17 AM
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Question on bridal registries in France?
Hi all! I am going to a wedding in France and I was told that they do registries differently. They said that ou see the gift, but apparently you can't buy it. You can only give the money it takes to buy it so really you're getting the cash and not the item..does anyone know if this is true? I am not sure I beleive it- how do you have a shower otherwise?? Thanks!
Aug 2nd, 2005, 10:35 AM
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and we thought the US was crass, this is really something.
Well, I viewed some "liste de mariage" websites (stores and freelance) and this appears to be true. Basically, everything is done virtually (on computer), which sure makes it easy -- the people can view your list on computer, select something and pay. The website/store running the list can thus keep an account for you as the what has been "bought", your running total, lists of the givers, etc. This makes it easy to thank them. Both lists I saw (independent and store) clearly gave you the option of eventually buying anything you wanted from the amount accrued. One list (non-store) also gave you the option of just taking the cash on your credit card, but charged a fee for you to do that of about five percent. Store lists wouldn't want you to just take the cash and run, of course.
They probably have this in the US, also, I just haven't run across it. Now I don't know if they have bridal showers in France, but in either case, nothing prevents anyone from just viewing your list to see what you want and going to a store to buy that or something similar and delivering it as a gift. In the US, nothing prevents anyone from giving a gift even when some young women advise of a list or store registry, either.
If someone told you this that is the fiancee in question, maybe they just want the cash.
Well, I viewed some "liste de mariage" websites (stores and freelance) and this appears to be true. Basically, everything is done virtually (on computer), which sure makes it easy -- the people can view your list on computer, select something and pay. The website/store running the list can thus keep an account for you as the what has been "bought", your running total, lists of the givers, etc. This makes it easy to thank them. Both lists I saw (independent and store) clearly gave you the option of eventually buying anything you wanted from the amount accrued. One list (non-store) also gave you the option of just taking the cash on your credit card, but charged a fee for you to do that of about five percent. Store lists wouldn't want you to just take the cash and run, of course.
They probably have this in the US, also, I just haven't run across it. Now I don't know if they have bridal showers in France, but in either case, nothing prevents anyone from just viewing your list to see what you want and going to a store to buy that or something similar and delivering it as a gift. In the US, nothing prevents anyone from giving a gift even when some young women advise of a list or store registry, either.
If someone told you this that is the fiancee in question, maybe they just want the cash.
Aug 2nd, 2005, 11:53 AM
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soon a mrs, this is a very timely question for me as we just had our daughter's wedding and will be returning the favor of our French friends by attending their sons wedding next August. Because we have had to deal with wedding issues and gift receiving/giving protocol, I am already thinking of what gift we will bring/send to Julien and Claire. thank you for providing this information of the current wedding gift practices. thanks, Deborah
Aug 3rd, 2005, 01:18 AM
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Interesting Christina, but is it so surprising that when you consult wedding list "services" on the Web, you come up with crass proposals? We just went shopping at Bon Marche for wedding outfits, with the father of the bride, a long-time French friend, as fashion consultant. This is no small event, though it will be in the country -- at the family manor house in Normandy, with the men in the wedding party (not including me, thank God) in tails. There may be a "wedding list" that is, a gift-buying registry, I'm not sure. My wife advised Laurent without offering details that she had her own ideas about a gift, including dispensing it over time, and he did not seem the least bit shocked. So I conclude that you can do pretty much whatever you want in this department.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 03:27 AM
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I am confused - how do these things work in the US ? Do you tell the registry what you want to buy, from a list selected by the happy couple - then the registry sends it to you to wrap up & present in person ? I think what's being described in France is the same as here in the UK : you tell the registry what you want to buy, from a list selected by the happy couple - then the registry service/shop/whatever delivers all the gifts together, direct to the couple's home, after the wedding.
I've never been quite sure what a shower is, but I think it's just an American thing. Is it a pre-wedding party where you hand over the gifts ?
There used to be a custom in certain parts of Britain (or perhaps some sections of society) where the gifts would be delivered before the wedding and put on display at the reception (or possibly the night before ?) but I think it's just about died out - I've never seen it myself.
I've never been quite sure what a shower is, but I think it's just an American thing. Is it a pre-wedding party where you hand over the gifts ?
There used to be a custom in certain parts of Britain (or perhaps some sections of society) where the gifts would be delivered before the wedding and put on display at the reception (or possibly the night before ?) but I think it's just about died out - I've never seen it myself.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 03:46 AM
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CAroline,
From that I remember of my friends wedding in the U.S. we went to the store and viewed a list/register and bought a present off this. Now I guess people do it on-line.
A shower was a pre- wedding get together with the bridesmaids and women and usually household gifts, dishes and lingere were give. We went together as bridesmaids and bought the couple a Fridge and a hand made blanket box. In the old days it was to kit out the new home as the couple were not living together before marriage
. They still have showers but things are far more liberal about living together. Thank god!
From that I remember of my friends wedding in the U.S. we went to the store and viewed a list/register and bought a present off this. Now I guess people do it on-line.
A shower was a pre- wedding get together with the bridesmaids and women and usually household gifts, dishes and lingere were give. We went together as bridesmaids and bought the couple a Fridge and a hand made blanket box. In the old days it was to kit out the new home as the couple were not living together before marriage
. They still have showers but things are far more liberal about living together. Thank god!
Aug 3rd, 2005, 03:52 AM
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I don't think people have "showers" in France (apart from the wet kind). It's certainly not a custom in the UK, as Caroline says.
You don't mention whether the couple are French or American, but that will probably influence the way they do things.
Most of our French friends that have got married recently have had a wedding list with one of the main French department stores, which we consulted online. We purchased our gift through the website and it was then delivered to the couple by the store.
It's also extremely common in France for guests to give a cheque to the happy couple.
For my own wedding in Scotland (where I'm from) this May we had two lists (!!), one in Belgium (where we live) for the French-speaking guests and one in the UK for the British guests.
The UK store collated the orders for gifts and delivered them.
The Belgian store added up the value of each gift "purchased" by the guests and credited the money to a special store account. We then had the choice of whether to actually take home the items people had purchased from the list, or to use the money in the account to buy something entirely different from the store. This sounds a bit more like the system you describe.
I think that systems vary from store to store even within France, so it's probably best to find out where the couple are registered, see what the gift buying options are, and then take it from there.
You don't mention whether the couple are French or American, but that will probably influence the way they do things.
Most of our French friends that have got married recently have had a wedding list with one of the main French department stores, which we consulted online. We purchased our gift through the website and it was then delivered to the couple by the store.
It's also extremely common in France for guests to give a cheque to the happy couple.
For my own wedding in Scotland (where I'm from) this May we had two lists (!!), one in Belgium (where we live) for the French-speaking guests and one in the UK for the British guests.
The UK store collated the orders for gifts and delivered them.
The Belgian store added up the value of each gift "purchased" by the guests and credited the money to a special store account. We then had the choice of whether to actually take home the items people had purchased from the list, or to use the money in the account to buy something entirely different from the store. This sounds a bit more like the system you describe.
I think that systems vary from store to store even within France, so it's probably best to find out where the couple are registered, see what the gift buying options are, and then take it from there.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 04:09 AM
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Caroline,
the way to do it in France and in Spain is quite similar.
The couple puts up a list with the presents they want, and then depending on the shop you must go there or you can select the things online. You pay as much as you want or as you can afford (as a rule, right now in Spain you "invest" 100 euros per guest, unless you know that the dinner is going to be very posh and expensive, in which case you pay more).
The presents are usually marked as : "1 scanner, three parts" (this happened to me with a cousin, I ended up buying two parts of the scanner ...).
At the end, the couple will decide if they want all the presents, only part of them, or only money.
The bride is usually the person to control it. She will get a report from the shop telling how much the people have bought, maybe the congratulations messages ... If they open the account in "El Corte Ingles", they get on top of that a 10% discount for 6 months before and 6 months after the wedding (discount that quite a few people use, not only the couple ... I had done it myself with a work colleague
).
By my experience with french friends, the system is similar.
Having said all of that, I donīt really like it, and last May I lugged a Waterford vase all the way from London because I didnīt want to get my friends something as impersonal as money ...
And I have been to an irish country wedding where there was a display of the presents... that used to be done in Spain many years ago ...
But, talking about Siobhanīs remark of people living already together, the best present I have ever done was to a couple who decided that, as they had been living together for a few years, and they had a really pretty house, they were going to give to the guests a list of charities so we could contribute to them on their name. I did like that one a lot !
Regards, Cova
the way to do it in France and in Spain is quite similar.
The couple puts up a list with the presents they want, and then depending on the shop you must go there or you can select the things online. You pay as much as you want or as you can afford (as a rule, right now in Spain you "invest" 100 euros per guest, unless you know that the dinner is going to be very posh and expensive, in which case you pay more).
The presents are usually marked as : "1 scanner, three parts" (this happened to me with a cousin, I ended up buying two parts of the scanner ...).
At the end, the couple will decide if they want all the presents, only part of them, or only money.
The bride is usually the person to control it. She will get a report from the shop telling how much the people have bought, maybe the congratulations messages ... If they open the account in "El Corte Ingles", they get on top of that a 10% discount for 6 months before and 6 months after the wedding (discount that quite a few people use, not only the couple ... I had done it myself with a work colleague
).By my experience with french friends, the system is similar.
Having said all of that, I donīt really like it, and last May I lugged a Waterford vase all the way from London because I didnīt want to get my friends something as impersonal as money ...
And I have been to an irish country wedding where there was a display of the presents... that used to be done in Spain many years ago ...
But, talking about Siobhanīs remark of people living already together, the best present I have ever done was to a couple who decided that, as they had been living together for a few years, and they had a really pretty house, they were going to give to the guests a list of charities so we could contribute to them on their name. I did like that one a lot !
Regards, Cova
Aug 3rd, 2005, 04:55 AM
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Thanks for all the interesting info, Siobhan, hanl & Cova.
So at a bridal shower, it sounds like the gifts given are not those selected from the registry - they are extra, 'surprise' presents ? If you are going to the shower, do you buy a surprise gift as well as a registry gift, or instead ? (You never know, I might get invited to an American wedding one day !
It does seem a bit of a swizz if (using the Belgian/French/Spanish system) a guest selects a present from a list then the recipients choose to take something else or just the money instead ! I wonder what happens when guests subsequently go round to the couple's home looking for the lovely vase or whatever which they purchased ?
hanl: hadn't realised you are from Scotland ! Whereabouts ? Where did you get married ?
So at a bridal shower, it sounds like the gifts given are not those selected from the registry - they are extra, 'surprise' presents ? If you are going to the shower, do you buy a surprise gift as well as a registry gift, or instead ? (You never know, I might get invited to an American wedding one day !
It does seem a bit of a swizz if (using the Belgian/French/Spanish system) a guest selects a present from a list then the recipients choose to take something else or just the money instead ! I wonder what happens when guests subsequently go round to the couple's home looking for the lovely vase or whatever which they purchased ?
hanl: hadn't realised you are from Scotland ! Whereabouts ? Where did you get married ?
Aug 3rd, 2005, 05:23 AM
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Caroline, I'm from Edinburgh originally, though my family moved out to East Lothian when I was about 10.Got married (to a French guy) at Lennoxlove in Haddington, which is apt seeing as the Auld Alliance originated with the signing of the Treaty of Haddington
Aug 3rd, 2005, 05:32 AM
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Caroline,
you simply know that it will be awfully hard to find anything at all in their house (and get surprised if something is there ...)
The good thing is that buying something out of the wedding list is not frowned upon. I have done in a few cases, sometimes because I wanted the couple to have something from me (and the Waterford vase was a real hit, because the girl had spent time in Ireland as myself years ago), and a couple of times because I had been invited to a wedding I couldnīt attend, and they knew it.
If you are invited, you must buy a present even if you are not going, so these cases were really trying to bank on our no-assistance (getting the money and not paying for the meal). Itīs not the first time, and it wonīt be the last, when a couple pressed for money invites people who wonīt be able to make it to the wedding, in order to collect the amount of their presents. So, I was really awful, and I went out and got them a very tangible present
Cova
you simply know that it will be awfully hard to find anything at all in their house
(and get surprised if something is there ...)The good thing is that buying something out of the wedding list is not frowned upon. I have done in a few cases, sometimes because I wanted the couple to have something from me (and the Waterford vase was a real hit, because the girl had spent time in Ireland as myself years ago), and a couple of times because I had been invited to a wedding I couldnīt attend, and they knew it.
If you are invited, you must buy a present even if you are not going, so these cases were really trying to bank on our no-assistance (getting the money and not paying for the meal). Itīs not the first time, and it wonīt be the last, when a couple pressed for money invites people who wonīt be able to make it to the wedding, in order to collect the amount of their presents. So, I was really awful, and I went out and got them a very tangible present
Cova
Aug 3rd, 2005, 05:43 AM
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And I have forgotten, if you want crash, the top was a dutch-spanish wedding I attended 3 or 4 years ago here in Madrid. The groom family and friends got up in the middle of the dinner and walked in front of the couple, leaving envelopes with money in the table.
I was "in charge of" an international table, sitting with a couple of irish people, an american girl, two spanish friends and a dutch guy from Amsterdam, and we simply looked with open mouths at the proceedings (as most of the people there). The dutch guy said that it was mostly a tradition from the region they came from, that he had never done it, and certainly most of the things that happened along the church ceremony and the dinner were really, really strange (and they ended up missing a great end-of-celebration chocolate breakfast at San Gines, including the brideīs granny ...).
But I must say that I have been to my fair share of mixed ceremonies, and usually they are amazingly great and people try as best as they can to put together the traditions on each country.
Cova
I was "in charge of" an international table, sitting with a couple of irish people, an american girl, two spanish friends and a dutch guy from Amsterdam, and we simply looked with open mouths at the proceedings (as most of the people there). The dutch guy said that it was mostly a tradition from the region they came from, that he had never done it, and certainly most of the things that happened along the church ceremony and the dinner were really, really strange (and they ended up missing a great end-of-celebration chocolate breakfast at San Gines, including the brideīs granny ...).
But I must say that I have been to my fair share of mixed ceremonies, and usually they are amazingly great and people try as best as they can to put together the traditions on each country.
Cova
Aug 3rd, 2005, 05:59 AM
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Cova, that is all really interesting, thanks ("get surprised if something is there" ) You've reminded me of a wedding I went to, in Wales, where the bride's family was Chinese. The invitations included red & gold "lucky money" envelopes in which you put whatever you felt like & then deposited them in a big ceremonial bowl on the way in. No way of identifying who gave what. (Once I'd realised Scottish notes were a bit of a giveaway )
Your news that it's expected that each wedding guest should give at least €100 is interesting - wish it was like that here ! We definitely made a loss on catering v. presents Also amazed to hear about the 'inviting people you don't really want to come' scam !! Here it seems totally optional whether or not you buy a present if you can't attend the wedding - maybe it depends how much you like the couple
hanl, getting married at Lennoxlove must have been lovely ! Hope you had a nice day. Was Clarissa Dickson-Wright in charge of the food or had she fallen out with them by then ? I got married at Dalhousie Castle 5 years ago.
) You've reminded me of a wedding I went to, in Wales, where the bride's family was Chinese. The invitations included red & gold "lucky money" envelopes in which you put whatever you felt like & then deposited them in a big ceremonial bowl on the way in. No way of identifying who gave what. (Once I'd realised Scottish notes were a bit of a giveaway )Your news that it's expected that each wedding guest should give at least €100 is interesting - wish it was like that here ! We definitely made a loss on catering v. presents
Also amazed to hear about the 'inviting people you don't really want to come' scam !! Here it seems totally optional whether or not you buy a present if you can't attend the wedding - maybe it depends how much you like the couple hanl, getting married at Lennoxlove must have been lovely ! Hope you had a nice day. Was Clarissa Dickson-Wright in charge of the food or had she fallen out with them by then ? I got married at Dalhousie Castle 5 years ago.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 06:22 AM
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From what I remember from my own wedding (10 years ago now!) and based on the fact I did contribute to several wedding registries in France for friends or family weddings, once your money is "deposited" on the registry, whether as a lump sum or for a designated gift, the bride and groom won't be entitled to get the money in cash, since it has now become the store property.
The couple is of course entitled to change the money "affectation", i.e. change their minds and choose another type of present.
The couple is of course entitled to change the money "affectation", i.e. change their minds and choose another type of present.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 06:26 AM
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Additional note : you can always bring a gift of your own choice to them or give them money, but rather through a cheque (in France), which won't be possible if you live abroad.
However I saw people bringing mostly cash as present for a wedding, but this was a Chinese wedding in Paris, and we were told it was the normal way to go.
However I saw people bringing mostly cash as present for a wedding, but this was a Chinese wedding in Paris, and we were told it was the normal way to go.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 06:28 AM
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Sorry... Forgot something again...
In France, if you are invited to a wedding and can't make it, it is not considered as compulsory to still get them a wedding present. This is up to you...
This just reminds me of a wedding we were invited end of June and could not make it... I've got to do something about this.... Oops... I forgot!!!
In France, if you are invited to a wedding and can't make it, it is not considered as compulsory to still get them a wedding present. This is up to you...
This just reminds me of a wedding we were invited end of June and could not make it... I've got to do something about this.... Oops... I forgot!!!
Aug 3rd, 2005, 06:52 AM
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No wonder Americans would be confused about Wedding lists (registry we call it) in Europe! Although the concept is similar, we do things a little differently in the US.
I live in NJ near NYC. Here, couples choose a store or two and create registry lists of gifts they would like to receive. Primarily these gifts are given for engagement or at a bridal shower (party for the bride given by bridesmaids & her mother). Guests go to the store or view the registry list online. The guests actually purchase the items and the store deducts them from the list. The items are then given to the purchaser. Most stores will gift wrap as well. Then the gifts are presented by the guest to the bride or bride & groom at the shower. Money is more typically given as a gift for the wedding itself, although some guests still prefer to give an actual gift at the wedding instead.
These customs vary greatly in different regions of the US, but the registry still functions the same way.
I live in NJ near NYC. Here, couples choose a store or two and create registry lists of gifts they would like to receive. Primarily these gifts are given for engagement or at a bridal shower (party for the bride given by bridesmaids & her mother). Guests go to the store or view the registry list online. The guests actually purchase the items and the store deducts them from the list. The items are then given to the purchaser. Most stores will gift wrap as well. Then the gifts are presented by the guest to the bride or bride & groom at the shower. Money is more typically given as a gift for the wedding itself, although some guests still prefer to give an actual gift at the wedding instead.
These customs vary greatly in different regions of the US, but the registry still functions the same way.
Aug 3rd, 2005, 06:57 AM
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Hi Joelle,
thanks for explaining the thing about the account with the store. I didnīt explain it properly myself, in Spain itīs the same thing, kind of an open account at the shop ...
The presents are not compulsory, but if you are polite and "properly raised", you know you must get something. Of course there are cases when people donīt give anything or get something really cheap And there are times when you get really happy not to have been invited at all ...
Caroline, my sister and her friends have been "victims" of that scam this year. I donīt think that the girl did it in purpose, and probably she really wanted them at her wedding, but knowing that this year most of them were "forced" to have holidays in August and the only one staying is a doctor and has to work every single weekend of the month at the ER ... she went and scheduled her wedding for next Saturday ...
Cova
thanks for explaining the thing about the account with the store. I didnīt explain it properly myself, in Spain itīs the same thing, kind of an open account at the shop ...
The presents are not compulsory, but if you are polite and "properly raised", you know you must get something. Of course there are cases when people donīt give anything or get something really cheap
And there are times when you get really happy not to have been invited at all ...Caroline, my sister and her friends have been "victims" of that scam this year. I donīt think that the girl did it in purpose, and probably she really wanted them at her wedding, but knowing that this year most of them were "forced" to have holidays in August and the only one staying is a doctor and has to work every single weekend of the month at the ER ... she went and scheduled her wedding for next Saturday ...
Cova
Aug 3rd, 2005, 07:42 AM
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I don't recall of the "bridal shower" party in France...
The store will generally deliver your presents after the wedding once the couple has made his/her mind up regarding presents.
And I can tell you by experience that when people bring presents on the wedding day... it is a hell of a problem, since bride and groom are running everywhere taking care of other (organisational) problems....
One good thing I saw when attending a Dutch wedding was that the groom and bride had given to friends the "Master of Ceremony" position... i.e. the two selected persons were the ones in charge of organisation, collecting presents, etc... making life a lot easier for the newly wed couple !
The store will generally deliver your presents after the wedding once the couple has made his/her mind up regarding presents.
And I can tell you by experience that when people bring presents on the wedding day... it is a hell of a problem, since bride and groom are running everywhere taking care of other (organisational) problems....
One good thing I saw when attending a Dutch wedding was that the groom and bride had given to friends the "Master of Ceremony" position... i.e. the two selected persons were the ones in charge of organisation, collecting presents, etc... making life a lot easier for the newly wed couple !
Aug 3rd, 2005, 09:18 AM
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Caroline, our wedding was just this May so Clarissa Dickson-Wright was long gone by then. The food was fabulous though - a mix of French and Scottish influences (catered by a company called Ducks who also run a couple of restaurants in Edinburgh and East Lothian). All washed down with lots of French wine
