Murder-suicide, family fighting, and insanity: Only an idiot (me) would plan both a kitchen remodel and a trip to Paris at the same time....
May 13th, 2006, 08:46 AM
#1
Murder-suicide, family fighting, and insanity: Only an idiot (me) would plan both a kitchen remodel and a trip to Paris at the same time....
Part 1 of many
It all seemed like a good idea then. The kitchen was 25 years old and its inhabitants were in need of a vacation. Why not do the 2 birds with 1 stone routine. We're healthy, no kids, and one of us (me) has a flexible job. So last August we booked a trip to Paris on AA with frequent flyer miles (a first and did that feel good) for 8 glorius nights from 4/20/06-4/29/06 and signed up with a kitchen and bath outfit. I'm not exactly sure when the "kitchen" remodel morphed into the powder room and mudroom remodel as well, but it definitely did. What budget...
Tackling 2 projects at once proved to be rather challenging. Now I've planned several trips before, thanx to my fellow Fodorites. But I've never done any remodeling. Boy was I about to get an education. Worse, that project would eventually turn into a tragedy.
On 2 prior trips to Paris, the last being 20 years ago when I was 30, I was intimidated by the people, culture, and language. Pretty city but a rough crowd. Things probably would have gone smoother then if I'd spoken some French. DW had never been to Paris and I wanted her to see it in the springtime. Wary of my past experiences, I thought long and hard about taking one of those organized tours. But emboldened by the fine folks here, I decided we'd go it alone.
As insurance, I immediately booked guide Michael Osman for 4 days based on the recommendations here, figuring he'd handle the language and cultural barriers and allow me to focus my energies at home where they were truly needed. So other than booking a hotel, the 3 star Hotel de Varenne in the 7th (147 E per nite for a standard double), picking up the AAA spiral bound guide on Paris (excellent), and monitoring this site daily for tips and advice, I more or less put Paris on the back burner. Considering we had 8 days to fill and I remembered next to nothing about Paris, that was a little unsettling.
Meanwhile the gobs and gobs of research that usually go into trip planning instead went into kitchen sinks, appliances, switchplate covers, grout colors..... I had no idea there were so many decisions to make. Who knew that toilets now come in "tall" versions, that cooktops now work via magnetism (induction), that faucets can be opereated by foot pad (Tapmaster), etc, etc. My DW will be the first to admit she doesn't have the patience for such things. Hence I am the trip planner as well as the kitchen designer, planner, shopper, etc. But being a detail guy and a perfectionist, I can drive myself crazy and nearly did.
In Sept, we paid the big check to the kitchen and bath company so they could order the cabinets with the idea they'd be here well in advance of the kitchen demolition slated for the end of Dec. We'd been working exclusively with brother A on this little project, one of the owners. He and his employees were acting as the general contractor altho I ended up participating in that role as well. On Dec 28, the kithchen is gutted. We're told everything should be done in 6-8 weeks. Yeah, I know, I'm thinking more like 10-12. Still, lots of time to get it done before Paris....
On Jan 9, brother A calls to advise he's leaving the company to pursue other opportunities and brother B will be taking over the project. Not to worry says brother A.... On Jan 12, we meet brother B for first time and learn brother A was fired for a variety of things, not the least of which was failing to order our cabinets.... But they've been ordered now, he says, and will be in around Mar 1.... Oh the things that swirl around a lawyer's head at that moment. After many sleepless nights, we get the feeling maybe we won't be heading down to the bankrutcy court to file a claim after all. And sure enough, brother B turns out to be a very good and honest man.
Fast forward to Friday, Mar 31. The kitchen, powder and mud rooms are about 70% done. The lead carpenter, a wonderful worker and kind man who I had seen and spoken with almost daily since Dec 28, goes home and does the unspeakable. Something must have snapped. According to the police reports and new broadcasts, he shot his wife and then took his own life, leaving their 2 boys (10 and 12) to find them............
And we're going to Paris in 3 weeks???
It all seemed like a good idea then. The kitchen was 25 years old and its inhabitants were in need of a vacation. Why not do the 2 birds with 1 stone routine. We're healthy, no kids, and one of us (me) has a flexible job. So last August we booked a trip to Paris on AA with frequent flyer miles (a first and did that feel good) for 8 glorius nights from 4/20/06-4/29/06 and signed up with a kitchen and bath outfit. I'm not exactly sure when the "kitchen" remodel morphed into the powder room and mudroom remodel as well, but it definitely did. What budget...
Tackling 2 projects at once proved to be rather challenging. Now I've planned several trips before, thanx to my fellow Fodorites. But I've never done any remodeling. Boy was I about to get an education. Worse, that project would eventually turn into a tragedy.
On 2 prior trips to Paris, the last being 20 years ago when I was 30, I was intimidated by the people, culture, and language. Pretty city but a rough crowd. Things probably would have gone smoother then if I'd spoken some French. DW had never been to Paris and I wanted her to see it in the springtime. Wary of my past experiences, I thought long and hard about taking one of those organized tours. But emboldened by the fine folks here, I decided we'd go it alone.
As insurance, I immediately booked guide Michael Osman for 4 days based on the recommendations here, figuring he'd handle the language and cultural barriers and allow me to focus my energies at home where they were truly needed. So other than booking a hotel, the 3 star Hotel de Varenne in the 7th (147 E per nite for a standard double), picking up the AAA spiral bound guide on Paris (excellent), and monitoring this site daily for tips and advice, I more or less put Paris on the back burner. Considering we had 8 days to fill and I remembered next to nothing about Paris, that was a little unsettling.
Meanwhile the gobs and gobs of research that usually go into trip planning instead went into kitchen sinks, appliances, switchplate covers, grout colors..... I had no idea there were so many decisions to make. Who knew that toilets now come in "tall" versions, that cooktops now work via magnetism (induction), that faucets can be opereated by foot pad (Tapmaster), etc, etc. My DW will be the first to admit she doesn't have the patience for such things. Hence I am the trip planner as well as the kitchen designer, planner, shopper, etc. But being a detail guy and a perfectionist, I can drive myself crazy and nearly did.
In Sept, we paid the big check to the kitchen and bath company so they could order the cabinets with the idea they'd be here well in advance of the kitchen demolition slated for the end of Dec. We'd been working exclusively with brother A on this little project, one of the owners. He and his employees were acting as the general contractor altho I ended up participating in that role as well. On Dec 28, the kithchen is gutted. We're told everything should be done in 6-8 weeks. Yeah, I know, I'm thinking more like 10-12. Still, lots of time to get it done before Paris....
On Jan 9, brother A calls to advise he's leaving the company to pursue other opportunities and brother B will be taking over the project. Not to worry says brother A.... On Jan 12, we meet brother B for first time and learn brother A was fired for a variety of things, not the least of which was failing to order our cabinets.... But they've been ordered now, he says, and will be in around Mar 1.... Oh the things that swirl around a lawyer's head at that moment. After many sleepless nights, we get the feeling maybe we won't be heading down to the bankrutcy court to file a claim after all. And sure enough, brother B turns out to be a very good and honest man.
Fast forward to Friday, Mar 31. The kitchen, powder and mud rooms are about 70% done. The lead carpenter, a wonderful worker and kind man who I had seen and spoken with almost daily since Dec 28, goes home and does the unspeakable. Something must have snapped. According to the police reports and new broadcasts, he shot his wife and then took his own life, leaving their 2 boys (10 and 12) to find them............
And we're going to Paris in 3 weeks???
May 13th, 2006, 09:22 AM
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My wife undertook the remodelling effort of our kitchen. Other than not having one for a few weeks, with a trip in the middle of the process, it was no big deal.
Last year with a new bathroom being added on along with a new room, we went to Germany, Swizerland, and England.
No biggie. The project went on fine without us.
I guess I don't lead a very interesting life. No threats of violence, no upset people. Just a big bite out of the bank account.
Last year with a new bathroom being added on along with a new room, we went to Germany, Swizerland, and England.
No biggie. The project went on fine without us.
I guess I don't lead a very interesting life. No threats of violence, no upset people. Just a big bite out of the bank account.
May 13th, 2006, 09:29 AM
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I can relate. After talking about putting in a lap pool and hot tub since 2000, and talking with the pool contractor since last summer, they started digging last week...and in two weeks we leave for Italy (plus the kids have finals, year in ceremonies, etc.) It's sheer insanity. I haven' done a thing about the side yard path or the landscaping....one can only plan so many things at once!
May 13th, 2006, 09:39 AM
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Good grief dcd!!!
Well don't leave us hanging..continue on with this story please.
BTW, I have a friend who is having her kitchen remodeled and is also planning a trip to Paris. When I saw your title I thought she had posted it.
Well don't leave us hanging..continue on with this story please.
BTW, I have a friend who is having her kitchen remodeled and is also planning a trip to Paris. When I saw your title I thought she had posted it.
May 13th, 2006, 12:18 PM
#14
Part 2
My wife had taken off work that Fri, Mar 31, and spent the day with the carpenter. Nothing seemed amiss to her other than his apologizing for being late that morning due to an "appointment" he had. She wished him a happy weekend when he left the house at 4:15 pm supposedly to meet an electrician on another project. That seems a little odd. Not 5 hours later, the community was learning of this terrible turn of events. The papers said little about a motive other than there had been some marital problems and that each had seen a lawyer. He had no known history of domestic violence. Their boys will be reared by a relative. Apparently, the carpenter's wife had recently inherited a significant sum of money which will presumably be available for the professional help those boys are going to need.
But we hadn't watched the news or read the papers that weekend. I didn't learn of the Mar 31 horror until the following Mon morning when the carpenter's 25 year old helper showed up for work promptly at 8 am. His face, normally upbeat, was downcast. Something was obviously wrong. Seeing my cheerful spirit, he politely asked whether I had heard about his friend and mentor, the man with whom he had worked side by side for more than a year. I was not prepared for the news, as if I ever could be. You just don't expect to hear such things about people you respect and like. I went completely numb. I could see, hear and touch but not feel. Perhaps this is what depression is like. And it's exactly what I felt for the next 10 hours.
I know I got a haircut that day. Watching my face in the mirror for 25 minutes, the flat affect never waned. Utterly emotionless. And that's not me. My stylist, who has known me for years, was now concerned about me. Later in the day, I emailed a dear friend about what had happened and how I was reacting. She quickly replied, as she always does, and her words of wisdom snapped me out it.
The rest of that week, DW and I were trying to make sense of it all. Couldn't do it. Such a selfish act by a man who according to co-workers and friends was anything but. Loved his boys. But life doesn't always make sense. And for me, that's one truth that has always been hard to accept.
In time, we were assigned a new carpenter and the kitchen got back on track. Like that mattered. My wife and I couldn't stop thinking about those boys and the life they now face.
Great tragedies have a way of reminding us about what's important in life and what's not. We shouldn't need those reminders but..... Divorce can seem like a life ending event to some folks either contemplating or going thru it. In that fragile state of mind, I suppose the demons can take over. We're all going to face stress and despair. It's part of the human condition. But folks, when it strikes, please reach out to someone who loves you for counsel, comfort and perspective. After all, time will heal all wounds eventually but only if we let it.
My wife had taken off work that Fri, Mar 31, and spent the day with the carpenter. Nothing seemed amiss to her other than his apologizing for being late that morning due to an "appointment" he had. She wished him a happy weekend when he left the house at 4:15 pm supposedly to meet an electrician on another project. That seems a little odd. Not 5 hours later, the community was learning of this terrible turn of events. The papers said little about a motive other than there had been some marital problems and that each had seen a lawyer. He had no known history of domestic violence. Their boys will be reared by a relative. Apparently, the carpenter's wife had recently inherited a significant sum of money which will presumably be available for the professional help those boys are going to need.
But we hadn't watched the news or read the papers that weekend. I didn't learn of the Mar 31 horror until the following Mon morning when the carpenter's 25 year old helper showed up for work promptly at 8 am. His face, normally upbeat, was downcast. Something was obviously wrong. Seeing my cheerful spirit, he politely asked whether I had heard about his friend and mentor, the man with whom he had worked side by side for more than a year. I was not prepared for the news, as if I ever could be. You just don't expect to hear such things about people you respect and like. I went completely numb. I could see, hear and touch but not feel. Perhaps this is what depression is like. And it's exactly what I felt for the next 10 hours.
I know I got a haircut that day. Watching my face in the mirror for 25 minutes, the flat affect never waned. Utterly emotionless. And that's not me. My stylist, who has known me for years, was now concerned about me. Later in the day, I emailed a dear friend about what had happened and how I was reacting. She quickly replied, as she always does, and her words of wisdom snapped me out it.
The rest of that week, DW and I were trying to make sense of it all. Couldn't do it. Such a selfish act by a man who according to co-workers and friends was anything but. Loved his boys. But life doesn't always make sense. And for me, that's one truth that has always been hard to accept.
In time, we were assigned a new carpenter and the kitchen got back on track. Like that mattered. My wife and I couldn't stop thinking about those boys and the life they now face.
Great tragedies have a way of reminding us about what's important in life and what's not. We shouldn't need those reminders but..... Divorce can seem like a life ending event to some folks either contemplating or going thru it. In that fragile state of mind, I suppose the demons can take over. We're all going to face stress and despair. It's part of the human condition. But folks, when it strikes, please reach out to someone who loves you for counsel, comfort and perspective. After all, time will heal all wounds eventually but only if we let it.
May 13th, 2006, 12:47 PM
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So true dcd..I have known a few people that have killed themselves. One always wonders how desperate they must have felt and if anyone could have assisted them to help them realize that life does sometimes have overwhelming problems but if one can work through them life does again get better. And now two young sons are orphans. How terribly sad. I can imagine how numb and depressed you and your wife felt.
If your post can just help one person that feels that "life is not worth it" to get help how precious that will be.
If your post can just help one person that feels that "life is not worth it" to get help how precious that will be.
May 13th, 2006, 09:40 PM
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Good heavens, dcd, when I read your title I thought it was tongue in cheek. This is certainly a different report, please continue.
And to think I was planning on scolding my tardy renovators on Monday, now I won't or I will in a nice way...
And to think I was planning on scolding my tardy renovators on Monday, now I won't or I will in a nice way...
May 13th, 2006, 10:21 PM
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I just read a persons view on divorce being a " death of a family" in it's own way, perhaps this was just the last straw in a lifetime of small deaths to this man.
We lost a family member through suicide and outwardly, there was no reason to us or the rest of the world why ... but people who do these things are not well and do not see the same world that we do.
I was so angry when I heard about my relatives suicide, what about his family? how selfish! But they are so lost in what is happening to them, they don't think the way we do. Don't condemn him, feel sorry for the great pain he was in.
It is good that the children have close family members, young ones are resilient, they will heal with the care that their grandparents will wrap them in.
Now enough sadness, let us hear about Paris, please
We lost a family member through suicide and outwardly, there was no reason to us or the rest of the world why ... but people who do these things are not well and do not see the same world that we do.
I was so angry when I heard about my relatives suicide, what about his family? how selfish! But they are so lost in what is happening to them, they don't think the way we do. Don't condemn him, feel sorry for the great pain he was in.
It is good that the children have close family members, young ones are resilient, they will heal with the care that their grandparents will wrap them in.
Now enough sadness, let us hear about Paris, please
May 14th, 2006, 08:24 AM
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Actually, my DSis/BIL are in Paris for their DD's grad from U. of Paris.
She has a full ride (at age 20) to GW's Law School - I have tried in vain to convince all that the world has too many lawyers and the the future of this bright one will be a congressional staffer (or, worse, a politician) - way too many of those.
Happy Mother's Day and be careful what you wish for, lol.
M
She has a full ride (at age 20) to GW's Law School - I have tried in vain to convince all that the world has too many lawyers and the the future of this bright one will be a congressional staffer (or, worse, a politician) - way too many of those.
Happy Mother's Day and be careful what you wish for, lol.
M
May 14th, 2006, 08:52 AM
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I can only imagine how shocked and saddened you must have been! I am shocked just reading about it. You can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind, can you?
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the kitchen/powder room/mudroom remodel's end results and the trip to Paris gave you some peace of mind.
Diane
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the kitchen/powder room/mudroom remodel's end results and the trip to Paris gave you some peace of mind.
Diane
