MOLVANIA?

Molvanîa is Europe's best kept secret and is clearly the next hot tourist destination to be discovered. Get there before it is spoiled.

Sadly, there is already a Macdonald's and Burger King in Lutenblag. Can Starbucks be next?

Only fat moles with buck teeth go there. The food stinks and all you see
are rodents begging in the streets. But the exchange rate is very good against the dollar.

Hi G,

I haven't been there yet, but am currently planning to include about 4 nights in Lutenblag.

Can anyone recommend a reasonably priced, airconditioned hotel that has great views, a balcony, full American breakfast, ensuite bath and a heavy-duty hairdryer, in a neighborhood central to all the important sites, yet away from the noise and not frequented by tourists?

Will I need a plug adapter and a convertor? We will have a Cam corder, digital camera, cell phone, laptop, Ipod, electric toothbrush and portable TV.

Don't forget to take washcloths with you. You may import one per person free of customs duties, but will be detained for attempting to purchase or sell them locally.

ira, I think the Rat Hole Hotel on Cheddar St fits your requirements.
Will you be needing a room for your luggage porters?

"Fat moles with buck teeth"!

Degas shows typical American self-centredness.

Molvanians don't share the bizarre obsession you have in the US with making the world safe for orthodontists. They practice natural oral hygiene, insisting everything that goes into their mouth come from organic, non-GM, meat or vegetables, or in direst cases, recycled antiques. "A land unkown to modern dentistry" is how the words on their coins translater into English. No Molvanian would ever allow himself to be polluted by tootbrushes or dentifrice (though they do sometimes grab a handful of twings and some baking soda). When, in the natural way, teeth fall out, Roman denarii, from the ample store in the ground, are melted down to replace them.

Molvanians are short. They take pride in this too: it demonstrates their pure descent from the Roman legionaries that occupied them briefly, uncontaminated by later marauding Vikings or Vandals (except of course when England is playing football in Molavania).

Molvanians' closeness to nature means they eat when there's food and starve when there's not. Feckless American tourists stay away in winter, so they see Molvanians only in summer, when they're large. Of course if Americans ever watched football, they'd have seen how thin the team were when they famously beat Northern Ireland 5-4 last November. But, insulated in their own cocoon, you Americans continue to stereotype these proud defenders of Central European values.

As always on this board, "fat moles with buck teeth " displays an Americocentric view of the world that I find offensive,

Fodors should remove this post. immediately.

Ira: I recommend the Rojal Palatz Hotjl in Lutenblag, which is the best in town, altough you will probably have to compromise on most of your requirements.

You can take all your electrical appliances, but you will need a transformer to convert to 37 volts. As these are difficult to find, you will have to buy one once you get to Lutenblag. The colourful weekly market held in the Platka di Busjbusjl would be the best place to find one.

You would be wise to keep your guard up at all times and store your wheat and oat supplies in a metal suitcase with triple locks.

And don't ever attempt to feed any moles in the street no matter how cute and harmless they look. They can turn vicious in an instant. One bite will send you to the hospital for a long series of anti-molaria shots!

Ankle protectos are a must!

How inexpensive is inexpensive in Molvanîa? I`m a little terrified by some posters who claim that Molvanîa is sooo inexpensive. Or do they mean it is cheap?

How are chances to meet m_kingdom in Molvanîa?

Brobra laverendrye

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo

Can anyone recommend a driver for day tours? There will be six of us. Will we need a van or will individual donkeys be better?

Zikavska Ira!

You won't need donkeys if you stay in Lutenblag, but vans are hard to find, as most of them are usually smuggled over the border. The best way for a group of your size to sightsee in Lutenblag is by tractor. As you possibly know, the Molvanîan government has recently introduced incentives for more than 15 people on a tractor.

If you are travelling outside Lutenblag, particularly in the Molvanîan Alps, you will want to consider donkeys, but make sure that you don't get donkeys that have been specially bred for the national sport of Plutto.

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo! (May God send you a sturdy donkey)

We've never been to Molvania before and need advice on weather and what to wear. (I know there are web sites for this - but just don;t have the time).

Will it be cold in the Molvanian Alps in winter? Will it be warm in Lutenblag in the summer? Do we have to have AC? Or just take large palm fronds for waving?

I know we'll need boots to protect our ankles - but what type of boots should we wear for the new years eve cotillion? And is it OK for the beau to just wear his lederhosen and hiking boots to the cotlliiion - or will he have to bring long pants (we're flying elcheapoair and so only taking brown bags - no real luggage - so don't have room for other clothes)?

It will be bitterly cold in the Molvanîan Alps in winter, and oppressiely hot in Lutenblag in summer. However, you will not need AC, which in Molvanîa works on air currents passed over large blocks of ice, and is usually only available in the winter months. Palm fronds are unavailable due to the prohibitive tariffs designed to protect the domestic air conditioning industry. Do what Molvanîans have done for centuries and wear a long thick sheepskin coat winter and summer, which insulates nicely from the heat and the cold.

I would advise against wearing lederhosen unless you want to be identified as an adherent of the neo-Nazi Jsalter Party.

>...is it OK for the beau to just wear his lederhosen and hiking boots to the cotlliiion...<

Only if the boots are black.

I see on an internet search that the currency there is the "ayo", pronounced like I-O, not to be confused with the euro, pronounced E-Roh.
At any rate, can anyone tell me if the ATMs are dependable there?
Or should I hop over to my local bank for a few thousand "ayo"(there is no plural). I hate getting off a plane at Lutenblag International jet-lagged and all.
Let's go to Lutenblag!

Hi platz,

No need to worry about getting ayo. Just bring a lot of $1 bills.

Chocolate, cigarettes and nylons are also useful.

Will I stick out as an American tourist if I wear capris? Should I bring my umbrella and if so, should I bring my 16" collapsible or my golf umbrella? Which size suitcase should I bring for a 7 day vacation??

Make sure you get vaccinated for whooping cough before you go!

I cut one day off the stay in Lutenblag and add it to Venice.

Would it be possible to hire a Molvanian driver so we don't have to take the trains and public transport? What kind of cars do they use?

How is room service in Molvania?

Got any good recommendations for souvenirs to bring home?

In the WSJ, I see the ayo is listed at 11.5655 to the dollar, but on my favorite foreign exchange website (no names please), its only 10.4378.
Those rats. Excuse me, moles...with bad teeth.

Does anyone know of a study program for the Molvanian language? I am having difficulty mastering the triple negatives & the gender relating collectively to cheeses. Does Pimsleur have a CD course I could buy before my trip?

Brobra & Krokystrokiskiaskya,
Trish

Zikavszka Platzman

What is all this business about the Ayo? Last time I checked, the official Molvanîan currency was still the Strubl. As best as I can tell, the Ayo is now only in a conceptual stage as a transnational currency for those EU members who can't qualify for the Euro. As Molvanîa still is not even a member of the EU due to its refusal to admit biological weapons inpectors despite its healthy IMF rating, it will be some time before it can even consider using the Ayo. Ira is right--US one dollar bills work like magic in Molvanîa.


Trish: You are very courageous in trying to learn Molvanîan, which is undoubtedly one of the world's most difficult languages with not only the triple negatives you have mentioned, but also the four genders, to say nothing of the danger of damaging one's larynx in trying to reproduce the many guttural sounds. Forget Pimsleur and just learn a few useful phrases. Otherwise, just shout very loudly in English and gesticulate wildly. Most Molvanîans will understand even though they pretend not to speak a word of English.

Krokystrokiskiaskya

Zlkavszka laverendrye!

I'm glad to know I can use loud English & gestures as a back up plan in trying to communicate with the Molvanians. I am still especially concerned about being able to make the sounds of their language, being that I have a full & complete set of teeth. I'm going to check into the options at the Linguistikprivatakademikalutnblaag as well.

What are some basic words & phrases that will help me get around while there?

How do I pronounce brobra? Is it Bro-brah or Beh-roo-beh-rah? Trish

Regarding an earlier thread inquiring about ESL...would the Linguistikprivatakademikalutnblaag
be a good place to start if one wanted to teach English in Molvania?

Don't forget to yell and jump up and down when the Movanians pretend they cannot understand English. It will help them understand you.

But, the big question is: Are white sneakers acceptable for walking around Lutenblog.

For the definitive opinion on Capris, I suggest you address your question to DJKBooks and M_kingdom.

In wearing capris, I should add that I shave my legs daily unless I'm jetlagged and my kankles aren't soo soo fat that they hang over my socks. (kankles: Fr., noun; ankles that are the width of the knee) Do you think I'll stick out from the locals? I plan to buy a pair of boots like the Molvanians wear...

Oh, one more thing. I'm 4 mo. pregnant. Are there any restrictions or worries being around the moles? Do they carry bubonic (sp?) plague? How does the Molvanian water taste compared to other European countries? Must I buy bottled water? If that's the case, do they have supermarkets there?

I know I asked a lot of questions but fodors is a great place to get everything answered!

Brobra & Krokystrokiskiaskya,
Debbie

Zlkavszka Trish!

There are a number of Molvanîan phrase books in print, but as they have been compiled by Molvanîan speakers with a limited knowledge of English, they can be misleading to the unwary, often dangerously so. You can find some in the classic Jetlag guide, but an even better list is in the recently published "Molvanîa Through the Back Door" by Rick Steeves.

If you do decide upon the Linguistikprivatakademikalutnblaag for study, an essential phrase to know is "Zrty kaszhinka dumbro, Hzocbeter hrti!!" (Keep your hands off me, Mr. Hzocbeter!)

If you pronounce Brobra as Bro-brah, you will be generally understood. You can either pronounce it with a rolled or a uvular "R", although the latter is only used by the educated classes (those who can read and write). The Beh-roo-beh-rah pronunciation is confined to the rural areas of the Western Plateau, and you will come across as a yokel if you use it in the sophisticated salons of Lutenblag.

Debbie: Molvanîa's drinking water is known throughout Europe for its taste and rich amber color. I wouldn't waste my money on bottled water, as it all comes from the tap anyway. However, if you are the tiniest bit concerned about bacterial and trace metal contamination, you might be best advised to stick to zeerstum or zvadovar.

Krokystrokiskiaskya

Sorry about the mixup on the currency. I wouldn't want to jeopardize an emerging economy with false information.
As to the language, according to "Molvania Through the Back Door", it states (p.53) that the name Molvania is actually a Latin derivative from the old Roman occupation days.
To translate loosely, it means "conceited moles".
Degas, you must have the same guidebook that I have.

And out of respect for their culture, I must conclude by saying,

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo

But how, please, does one get from Molvania to San Serriffe? Could MKingdom2, perchance, advise on local shopping opportunities?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,308487,00.html

Hi Patrick,

Sans Serif is a type font.

Furthermore, an article written by "Berlin Sans" has to be a joke.

Oh ira, you nearly won the goody bag - but you didn't check the date...

Very good, Patrick.

I just looked at the header:

"When the world first heard of San Serriffe in April 1977, the tiny state was a sleepy island paradise under the authoritarian leadership of an unpopular general. Visiting the archipelago 22 years on, Berlin Sans discovers a vibrant nation transformed by a visionary leader"

I'm sorry, it was perhaps an unfair tease, blame it on a late evening. The original concept was a huge success in 1977 and for a couple of years afterwards - a complete advertising supplement on the wonders of San Seriffe, with all the advertisers entering into the spirit of it.
http://www.fact-index.com/s/sa/san_serriffe.html

Well, it is good to know that people had a sense of humor way back then.

How easy is it to move to Molvania and start a toxic waste cleanup company, perhaps close to a small villa in the
ravaged countryside?

Are union rules as bad as in France? I'd want my workers to work more than 20 hours per week, have less than 50 paid holidays a year, and take no more than 12 weeks paid vacation.

>How easy is it to move to Molvania and start a toxic waste cleanup company,..<

In Molvania they do not clean up toxic waste, they import it.

Zlkavszka laverendrye!

We want to import two breeding pairs of Molvanîan Warthounds so we can start the process of getting the breed registered with the AKC. We know they will need to be quarantined for the usual 18 months (unless they're Service Warthounds, but I understand the Molvanîan government keeps a tight grip on them for duty as tasters in the foreign ministry cafeteria.) But do you know of any reputable suppliers of "grey market" Warthounds in Lutenblag? Or do we need to "take off our sandals" as a Molvanîan acquaintance says?

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo!

Pardon my ignorance, but where exactly is Molvania? Is it in Europe? This intrigues me because I thought I knew all the countries in Europe, but I have honestly never heard of this one. I tried searching "Molvania" on Yahoo but didn't any helpful information.

Thanks!
Tracy

Go to http://www.molvania.com/

Its located in southeast Europe, between Legullible and Laclueless.

Zlkavszka Gardyloo

As far as I know, the Molvanîan Warthound is sadly now an endangered species, and you will have difficulty finding any for sale, even on the grey market. There are a couple of breeding pairs in the Vajana zoo, and the zookeeper, Zrki Wrcsanti is known to slip animals out the back door for the right price (US dollars only!).

I know that they are not comparable to the magnificent warthound, but did you consider importing either the Molvanîan Sneezing Hound or the Zuti herd dog? As you know, the latter are routinely slaughtered for their meat by the mountain shepherd-folk, and establishing the breed in the US might prevent it from going the way of the Warthound.

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo!

For those who love cats, I saw photos of the elusive little Spritzlkat who although wild, takes to domesticating very easily.
With their tri-color fur and pink eyes, they are definitely adorable and no one can ignore their plaintive screeches when they want to eat.
I would definitely look into bringing back a breeding pair. Just be sure their cages are solid and have their own air supply, when they are worried, the emit an odour that might be offensive to most humans.
Glaadidah to you!!

BREAKING NEWS:

The Ryanair flights from Luton to Lutenblag West (which simply circled Luton airport, then put all passengers into the back of a 7 tonne minilorry for the short 3-day drive across Europe) have now been suspended because of typical nanny-state interference by the EU Directorate-General for Innovation Discouragement.

Flights now go to Lutenblag-Tirasopol (soon officially to be renamed Lutenblag South East), in not-quite neighbouring Transdniestr. Ryanair provide a convenient 37-hour connection to central Lutenblag using the new 56-stander, all-Molvanian, Vulkan buses (widely admired for their uncannily accurate resemblance to Fiat 500s)

Since Transdniestr voted against the Molvanian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, border crossings have become slightly tricky, with all traffic originating from Transdniestr now required to pay €1000 per head (used notes only: no receipt available) on entry. Transdniestr imposes a matching fee for the return journey, but requires it to be paid in unused Russian roubles, the only currency accepted in Transdniestr.

In his press release about the new service, Ryanair chief Michael O'Leary said the company's pioneering of Tirasopol-Lutenblag South East was "a further step in the company's plan to transform the costs of European travel"

Is it true that you have to UNcover your arms and legs in Molvanian places of worship?

After receiving dishonourable discharge from the Societe des Aspirateurs, a vacuum cleaning regiment headquartered on the Rue Cler in Paris, I now wish to enlist my spouse in the Molvanian Foreign Legion. Please, I need the address of the recruiting office.

All of you silly people are just tourists, not travellers. I, on the other hand, bought the book in Britain before it was available in the US and rushed off to Molvania before it was overrun by the inevitable rush of American tourists in white sneakers. Thank goodness I got there early enough to absorb the genuine Molvanian feel and smell. From what I hear, Lutenblag is no longer what it was, since Rick Steves called it "the next Prague" and Dentists Without Borders sent over a shipment of drills and scrapers.

All of you are my heroes - my incredible, informative travel heroes.

Which one of you posed for the cover of the guide book?

what books can I read to prepare for my upcoming trip to Molvenia.

I plan to go to Lutenblag, spend some time hiking in the alps and the a side trip to laclueless in search of of my mising brain cells.

Balderdash ! Who cares about all that stuff? I just want to know where to shop and what to bring home.

Bob---
One of my good friends highly recommended Vripuff off the main square of Lutenblag. (Look for the statue of Commandant Klink and then walk about 15 steps. The door is poorly marked but is next to the donkey stalls.) Vripuff is one place with interesting native Molvanian crafts. I was told the salespeople are eager to help you and take care of the VAT but double check their math. Full blooded Molvanians only have 9 fingers so counting higher than that sometimes poses a problem.

Debbie

In the current edition of Molvania Through The Back Door (p.7), it advises that if you stay at the Four Seasons Lutenblag, you will build a cinderblock wall between yourself and the genuine culture you came to experience. Your $1 will only buy dentally-challenged smiles, but it will only be an illusion and not the real thing.
I just hope by the time I get to the Pensione Spazibo near the train station, I won't be seeing everyone else standing in the lobby with copies of the "Back Door", demanding their name-dropping discount.

Has anyone married a Molvanian sweatheart? If so, was it hard to get them past the animal control folks at the airport here in the USA? What shots and pest paperwork will they need?

Wow. I just got a great deal on a 4 night package in South Molvania's coastal paradise Dentrifica! Has anyone stayed at the Best Western (oh no, not the US chain, it's through that partnership with Novotel) Anyway, I get 4 nights for the price of 3 and tickets to the State Opera's production of Novocania. All this and free non-motorized water sports! I'm so pumped up! (It IS warm enough there in March, right?) Travelzoo comes through again! wheeeeeeeee!

how much do I tip the donkeys?

One carrot.

How much do you tip the donkeys? Depends how strong you feel and how steep a slope they're on.

Zlkavszka busted

I hate to break it to you, but you've been scammed! Molvanîa is a land-locked country, and the south is actually quite mountainous.

If you've been told that your resort is in the south, it's probably on Lake Debrizca, which is quite nice so long as you avoid the area wher tour buses dump their holding tanks.

As an alternative you might consider man-made Lake Skrotul in eastern Molvanîa where thousands of Molvanîans spend their holidays. You should be aware though that because of drought and uncontrolled irrigation practices, the lake level has dropped, so that the resort towns are now 3km from the water's edge.

If it's any consolation, you're not the first to fall for this particular scam. You should probably deal with a travel agent who specializes in travel to Molvanîa, who would be aware of this and many other common scams.

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo!

Hi laverendrye
>I hate to break it to you, but you've been scammed! ...
If you've been told that your resort is in the south, it's probably on Lake Debrizca, which is quite nice so long as you avoid the area wher tour buses dump their holding tanks.<

We have reservations (paid for in advance in cash because we got a 25% discount) at the Hotel Krokystrokiskiaskya Notrilly. Is this in the area you are referring to?

Zlkavszka Ira

I don't know the Notrilly, as I always stay at the Vajana Ritzzz Hojtl when in the area. However it sounds like you have a good deal. I only hope you were careful to pay your deposit in Strubls.

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo!

Thanks L,

We paid the whole amount in USD so as to get the discount. Did I make a mistake?

How used and greasy were your dollar bills?

Hi Patrick
I was wondering why they told me "only please used dollar bills $1".

I guess that that is the usual procedure?

Ira

Having paid in US dollars, you will find that you will be subject to a very flexible floating exchange rate which will at the very least cancel out your 25% discount. This is assuming that the hotel acknowledges your deposit, which reputable establishments will do in some cases.

Next time you travel, you should get strubls in advance. You can get them from any overseas branch of Bankja Molvanîa. The U.S. branch is in Dubuque, Iowa, to service the large expatriate community there. I understand that you can also get them at a Molvanîan restuarant/grocery/cultural center in Paterson NJ, which serves the greater NYC area.

Don't forget to get your whooping cough vaccination as you sure wouldn't want to ruin your trip coughing the whole time!

I'll be leaving for Molvania in 2 weeks. I'll spent most of time in Lutenblag, but with day trips to the forest of Shilemblum for bear watching. I can't decide between renting a cell phone or buying one there. I was told that the international calls are expensive (in excess of 200 shokapeks per minute). Does anyone have 1st hand experience on this subject?

Gosh -- thanks for all the advise. So it is a lake and not the sea. That means it's probably not salt water and not being a swimmer will be a problem. I'd like to know more about the bear watching, though. Do you think we could do some trekking with a guide from our location on Lake Debrizca? Are there some good wineries to tour? (We like to visit wineries).

Zlkavszka!
Anyone who thinks this forum is not funny any more post-registration should be thrown into a Molvanian prison (which I understand are slightly more comfortable than a Molvanian 4-star hotel).

What to shop for, you ask? The tiny painted dolls made from dried donkey dung are internationally prized, as are the traditional local drinking mugs made from recycled boots.

>...the traditional local drinking mugs made from recycled boots.<

I've been told that the boots from which the drinking mugs are made are themselves made from recycled truck tires. Any info on this?

Sadly, communications are impeded by the accumulation of vehicles without tyres at the various border posts. Stranded drivers are, however, occupying themselves harvesting the donkey dung with which to make tiny painted dolls to sell for food. And so the great wheel of commerce turns. Or not, as the case may be.

Are there beaches in Molvania? Nice lakes to swim in?
How are the temperatures in winter, would it be a good Christmas destination?
Tanks~

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!

Absoulutely priceless, I think I will suggest this very special destination to some very some "special" relatives.

Do the floods in Molvania get very high? I intend to bring my own donkey and he is scared of water. My sister tried to get him to cross the Danube and he bolted . She fell off and died. Since she was alone a thief stole her body and we have not heard from her.

laverendrye,
I know I should refer this to Ira because he usually knows the best transportation routes within countries but I was hoping you could clear something up for me since you've been there. When taking the donkey trail up from Lutenblag to Rootcanalis is it advisable to pack Carrots as an incentative to the animal or is this service provided by the Assenfleigel?

Be very careful of the Molvanian gypsies. They will steal your harmonica every chance they can.
The locals will love you to sell them your kahkis, white sneakers and baseball can. I exchanged my T-shirt(a Bush photo) for a Molvanian top. They shocked me when they turned around and burned it. I shall not go there again!

Cingale,
Was that a Burning Bush?

Back in college I wanted to study abroad. My parents wanted to send me to London, but I chose Molvania. The main thing that attracted me to Molvania was that it was the only country in the world where I could be the best-looking person there.

I went to the University of Greater Lutenblag Youth, or UGLY for short. It was quite a mind-expanding experience. I learned to enjoy all of the local foods, but when I came home I had to re-learn how to use cutlery, as it's considered rude to ask for it in Molvania. I brought a good supply of toothpaste before leaving home, but dental floss was impossible to find. Thank Heavens I had long hair in those days, it sure came in handy when I needed to floss.

It's not the coughing I mind so much as the whooping.



White sneakers are sooooo 2002.

~Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo~

Hi johnthedorf
>When taking the donkey trail up from Lutenblag to Rootcanalis is it advisable to pack Carrots as an incentative to the animal or is this service provided by the Assenfleigel?<

I lost the link to where I found this, but I have in my notes:

Travel by Donkey:
It is not advisable for first-time visitors to attempt to drive themselves, as the road signs, where they do exist, are usually painted over.

It is customary to ride backward on the donkey, beating it on the haunches with a short, thin rod held in the right hand while holding a carrot suspended from a stick over your left shoulder in front of the animal.

Seat belts are not required in Molvania, but travelers have often reported police (or people claiming to be police) demanding a 500 sbrukle payment as a "fine" for not wearing seatbelts while on a moving donkey.

It is advised that you do not pay the CDW (Molvanian for Carrot and stick) charge, but obtain your carrots and sticks from local vendors.

Hope this helps.

(Great line about the Burning Bush.)

Ira, the info on the recycled tires is accurate. My brother had a 72-hour layover in Molvania last year, and is still recovering from it...he stupidly did not check his innoculations, and the whopping cough nearly killed him! Poor fellow is still recovering at his home in Edmonton, which he tells me is summer-like, even in winter, compared to the Molvanian climate.

uh-oh busted, if I were you, I'd try to bring some snowshoes if you're interested in seeing bears.

Bob the Navigator, I believe one of their largest exports is bear fat, so if you can use it, it goes for mere pennies. Another alternative is a bear-skin rug, but I can't guarantee US Customs will welcome you with it when you return to the USA.

BC

Molvanians ought to be well-protected against the whooping-cough, since they can grease themselves with a good layer of bear fat; but there is, sadly a shortage of brown wrapping-paper with which to complete the insulation. Hence their reputation for a certain slipperiness!

Arriving at Lutenblag in 3 weeks

Is it true that I have to bring 2 Pens (one for writing my name on arrival, another to give as a peace offering to the Molvanian Gods)

Is a single women safe walking at night in Lutenblag? a friend told me Moldavian Men have a ritual dance they do upon encountering a single female.

Do I have to bring toilet paper?, and if so how many rolls?

Do I have to bring a reversible waterproof coat or just a black pashmina?

I don't want to look like an ugly american, what do I have to do to fit in?


Thanks in advance!

PatrickLondon, I am one-sixteenth Molvanian on my paternal grandmother's side and I resent these slurs against a fine, if dentally-challenged, people.

egads a Mole amongst us!!!

Oh fairhope, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Well, in case she didn't have travel insurance, at least you didn't have to ship the body home...so look at the bright side. Hopefully you recovered your donkey and found him in good health.

As one single woman to another:

"Is a single women safe walking at night in Lutenblag? a friend told me Moldavian Men have a ritual dance they do upon encountering a single female."

Yes, they dance to Bolero played backwards...wearing Lemer skins.

"Do I have to bring toilet paper?, and if so how many rolls?"

Someone else will answer if the two concepts are connected...Otherwise, I'd suggest condoms.

Please do not bring condoms to Molvania. Our balloon manufacturing jobs are already being sent to America where the wages are cheaper

Hmmm ! Almost forgot. I do have a wonderful photo of a Molvanian pensioner riding one of their famous native donkeys. Sorry I cannot post it here, but email me if you want a digital copy. rplittle@bellsouth.net

If you are travelling alone, there's no reason to bring condoms. Based on what I saw when I was studying abroad in Molvania, there's nobody there you will want to get to know better, if you know what I mean.

And, whatever happened to the original poster GSTEED ?

I am traveling through Molvania next month and will only have one day in Lutenblag. What should I see? I understand the Molvanian Museum might be losing their prized molar collection - Rome wants them back as a national treasure they believe was stolen during the Mole Crusades. Will the collection still be there in November? Is it ok to wear jeans to the museum, or do I need to bring a Tux? What is the proper dress code for afternoon tea at the Rojal Palatz Hotjl and do I need reservations? Finally, how many carrots to tip the waiter? Any help is appreciated as I am too lazy to do any research on my own.

Every Molvanian man, woman, and child will fight to the death to keep the prized Colletzione Molarini! Those Italians! The nerve! They actually think their food and wine is better than Molvanian cuisine, not to mention their art. Hmmmph.

Wonderful news Marilyn! Thanks for saving my trip. I'll be sure to post a moment by moment trip report for my 24 hours in Lutenblag.

As for the cuisine, how can the Italians compare boring pasta to Wzrobkapazio (stewed mole entrails with potato dumplings) - mmmm, good!

lets go

carrots are for the donkeys. I am told you service charge is included - but if the service is exceptional you may give travel size toothpaste or the little boxes of glide dental floss. Exceptional service calls for a pack of the Crest Whitening strips.

It would be very helpful if the posters could tell us their Molvanian preferences before we go on a wild donkey chase. Are you going to Upper or Lower Molvania? Please tell us your carrot budget. Do you like to go bareback riding or side saddle. This way we can be more helpful. Please don't take this as a criticism of your silly questions

Its like pulling teeth trying to get those original posters to follow-up!

I was talking with some coworkers about my impending trip to Molvania and was astounded that none of them had ever heard of the place! And I'm a teacher!!! Is that not scary? Are Americans truly that ignorant and egocentric? How can they not know about this unique country that dates back to the early Middle Ages and is the best preserved example of life from the 1200s?!

Molvanians are dedicated to preserving their rich heritage, for goodness sakes. They forsake modern conveniences and survive just as their ancestors did centuries ago. Today's proud serfs living in their fiefdoms are still defending the manor and raising moles (a tedious and difficult job, from what I understand). Is that not something to respect?

I'm sorry if I'm venting but after the ethnic slur about toothless Molvanians on last night's Presidential debates last night and the idiots I ate lunch with today, I just had to let go.

Thanks for listening!

Don't worry, we know what you mean! I love the upper Molvania because I enjoy the goat herders who have many a tale to tell and when they invite you into their humble, squalid hut, you know you have not really enjoyed life to this extreme.But confidentially. I did not enjoy eating squirrel, though I want to kill them here in my back yard.

LOL, cigale!

I heard that those Molvanian sheepherders are very verry fond of their sheep. How sweet ~

Cigale, was the squirrel prepared "a la Molvane" or was it Squirrel Tartare (a clever Molvanian trick for conserving fuel)?

actually, scarlett, I have heard many an upsetting story of the herders and their goats, but please, I don't want to get into that , as I have no proof, an only as told to.
Marylyn, the squirrel was prepared.
a la peau avec rosemarin et thyme, et vin blanche.

You are right , Cigale, we will not think unpleasant Molvanian goat thoughts

But I do hear they make wonderful blankets with the goat hair, although they are Molvanian sized, which makes them impossible to bring home.

What a coincidence, Cigale! That's what we are having for dinner tonight!

Ira,
Thank you very much for the donkey information. Since I was curious if we had any of those animals here in the States I did some investigating and found that there is a ranch in Montana.
"Overlooking the Yellowstone River, the course at The Spotted-Ass Ranch". They evidently shoot clay pidgeons from the animals and did suggest that you face to the rear so as not to damage the eardrums. I learn something new every day. Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo

John, be careful mentioning a spotted ass in the company of Molvanians. There is a great and tragic tale of collective shame and embarrassment to be told, but only among those accepted as true Molvanians. From an outsider, however well-intentioned, it would be taken as an intrusion too many.
Splivote!

Zikavska! This board is an absolute wealth of information about Molvania!

Trying to find out if I bid 4* on Priceline.mv for the lake district in Molvania, will I be garanteed a non-smoking yurt? I'm fatally allergic to smoke, yak hair, and macadamia nuts - will this be a problem in my travels here?

Also, if I wish to stay in Molvania for longer than 90 days, will I require a Schnegen visa?

Kath

Nuts of all kinds are abundant in Molvania and are hard to avoid, especially the ambulatory varieties. If you should suffer a cross reaction, the medical attention could prove an invaluable cultural experience. You may even wonder why you left home.

Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo

Hi Kath,

I think that Molvania is NOT part of the Schengen Agreement. You will have to get a visa.

I am told that the reason Molvania did not join Schengen is that 1/3 of the GDP comes from visa fees.

Zikavska Patrick,
My lips shall remain sealed for fear of offending anyone in this rich and unsoiled country. I hope that in Fodors "Up Country Molvania" that a segment will include "do's and don'ts".
Wakuz Dro Brugka Spazibo

Ira, your figures are correct about the visa fees, but Molvania's biggest industry is the yard/garage sales. At least that was true years ago when I was studying abroad in Molvania.

Good heavens! I was a fool and booked airfare to Paris in March.

Are there any discount airlines that fly from Paris to Molvania so I can cheaply correct the terrible mistake I've made?

I have GOT to pay closer attention to Fodors so I don't make this kind of mistake again.

Molvania hasn't changed much over the centuries, I think you'll still have to get there via donkey. However, I've heard they have express donkeys now, so getting there is not such a pain in the ass (no pun intended). There are some helpful tips for donkey travel in this very thread.

Hi Indy,
>...Are there any discount airlines that fly from Paris to Molvania..<

See
http://www.molvania.com/molvania/forum/viewtopic.php?t=48

Kath, anyone wishing to stay longer than 90 days in Molvania is considered de facto to be clinically insane and refused admission into the country on principle.

indytravel, I have always emjoyed your posts on this forum, and very much respect your opinion, but please don't tell me you actually considered going to Paris when you could be going to Molvania in March, the most beautiful time of year there! What on earth were you thinking?????

BC

Sad isn't it BC?

It must have been a combination of jetlag, post vacation blahs and a VO Manhattan or 3 that made me click the "purchase now" button for Paris.

No matter, I'll use ira's link for a discount airline and find my way out of the quagmire I've created for myself.

I'll make lemonade out of this yet!

Ira, Kath asked about the Schnegen agreement. This little-known Molvanian adventure into international co-operation allows persons with appropriate typographical errors in their documentation certain advantages in procedures in entering, but sadly not leaving, Molvania (largely due to the fact that no other country could be persuaded to take the original text of the agreement seriously - unfortunately, the signature of the Molvanian foreign minister was obscured by a large blot of bear fat). It would, therefore, be unwise to rely on its provisions in negotiating with immigration officers anywhere.

Hi Indy

Travel overland rather than fly from Paris to Molvania. You'll avoid immigration hassles at the airport and see more of Molvania's natural beauty.

I recommend you hire a tractor for the trip. Abandon the vehicle when you get to the mountains and look for a donkey (Hint.. carrots are useful)

Border guards are few and far between (and easily bribed with a greasy $1) but watch out for bears and don't stray too far north....the region is full of goats which can be dangerous in the Spring.

And where in Lutenblag can I get High Tea?

Sorry to be so late in contributing to this thread but I was waiting for my carrier pigeon to return from Molvania. The message I received was quite astounding. Apparently someone, looking suspiciously like m-kingdom arrived there together with cook, butler and rented Mercedes. Needless to say they were immediately apprehended by the secret police and thrown into their 4 star prison but the Mercedes is now used as the Lutenblag hearse. As this forum would be totally useless without m-kingdom's sane advice we should appoint a committee which can appeal to the Molvanian government for release of the prisoners. They can of course keep the Mercedes and to make the deal a little sweeter perhaps we could offer them the use of the cook and butler for a limited time with instructions as to their functions as useful household adjuncts. What do you think?

Sprufki Doh Craszko?

pipsil, if Amnesty International is able to communicate with m_kingdom, would you please ask whether the better known designer shops (Prada, Chanel, etc) have special collections for Molvania, and whether there are any up and coming Molvanian designers we should know about? Thanks so much!

Hey editors, why doesn't Molvania have a tag like the other countries? This is discrimination against the fine people of Molvania!! Just because they don't have teeth in Molvania doesn't mean such discrimination can't come back and bite you on the a$$.

Being gummed by a Molvanian isn't fun either. I should know.

Molvania has been conquered by Fredonia.