jgarvey

I know this is one of those sticky, personal subjects, but something tells me I am not alone and would appreciate support and feedback for others with a similar problem. Do you otherwise get along famously in your normal, everyday life but encounter some enormous personal differences when you travel together (even after 25 years of marriage)? Do some hidden beasts arise during the chaos of travel that make you want to have separate seats on the plane when you return home?

we are attempting to solve this problem for the first time by taking different trips this year. He is spending 7 weeks on our catamaran in the Caribbean with various friends and relatives as crew; I am spending a month in Rome in an apartment to soak up Italy and visit with our daughter, who lives there. But there is still something about this arrangement that disturbs me, even though I realize that many couples out there do the same thing.

Please tell me that I am not alone. Any others out there with the same problem and possible solutions? Any feedback or personal responses would be appreciated.

THERESA10

Good Evening!

I'd kill to go to rome for a month. Well, only if I could take my granddaughter.

I love to go away alone. Not that I don't have huge problems when traveling with my husband (as long as he does it my way) He comes in handy quite often infact.

Anyway, I love to find a luxury hotel and take all my books, magazines, journals and get down to some serious sleeping in. I like to eat, my husband isn't a big eater, I like to hang out in my room and sometimes do nothing. But then I'll get a hair up my...and visit all the tourist sights and stay for hours and hours in a museum. And that ain't even up my husbands alley. He was awesome in Rome! We did have the time of our lives, but what I'd give to go back alone to rome and paris. It's gonna happen, very soon too.

Go and enjoy yourself and time with your daughter. I don't think there is a thing wrong with taking time outs from one another. I did think it wasn't healthy once upon a time, but now after 27 years I've come to the conclusion it OK. My Friends envy me, and I tell them their time will come.

Travelnut

I don't think it is uncommon for spouses (or other family combos) to experience fatigue, frustration and flaring tempers when traveling. My husband and I had a couple of fallouts at the beginning of each trip, then eventually that sort of 'went away'. We even joke about it, "are you sure we're in Paris, we haven't had a fight yet...?"

We learned to just shut up and wait 5-10 minutes, and then start a conversation about something else. Since the subject of the argument was always something stupid, there was no need to 'resolve' it.

We have always believed in spending some separate time away, both at home and while traveling. I want a 1/2 day to myself to wander without explaining, take as many photos of the same thing as I want, window-shop, etc. He sometimes brings the golf clubs and takes the train to the nearest course. I've ridden along with him and returned as he began playing; other times, I just wave from the hotel window.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or how it works for others - do what works for you both.

jgarvey

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks Theresa and Travelnut. I actually am looking forward to doing all of the exact things that you mentioned--including not having him pacing the sidewalk or on a bench checking his watch while I do some shopping and browsing. It's just that some of the guilt was beginning to set in, since he has started to ask if he can come and do the last week with me. Right now, the answer is NO! Thanks again for the support.

karentoft

I say "go for it" and leave the regrets at home. There is nothing wrong with taking a trip, extended or otherwise, by yourself. Guys around here take week long hunting or fishing trips all the time and no one ever questions why they are doing it or thinks anything is wrong or improper. If you love to travel, then travel you will. Not everyones interests are the same and being able to spend a month with your daughter is an opportunity you shouldn't pass up. I wouldn't ever pass up the time spent one on one with a child of mine!! There's a special kind of bonding and conversations that sometimes only happens when it's the two of you, not the three of you. Enjoy your trip!

mcnyc

You're not alone. I actually have a friend I'm planning a trip with right now who is happily married, but her husband doesn't like to fly 3 hours on a plane, much less 8. And then he gets tired quickly, when she's just warming up.

So, we hope to find a time and a place where we can go for a girls trip - she with her daughter, but without the husband, and me without, um, well, it's just me right now.

It's nice to have just a girls trip sometimes. Karentoft is right, and exactly the reason why I love traveling with my mom and try never pass up the chance.

Men just don't understand browsing.

karentoft

Haha, no they don't! You have a great trip as well. I love "girls weekend" or better yet "girls only vacation." No offense guys, but sometimes girls just wanna have fun!! It's a girl thing! I have been to Mexico with each of my sisters on separate trips and the time we shared was great. Most of us don't get enough girl time whether it's with sisters, mothers, or girlfriends!

Each winter my two sisters, my mom and I try to fit in a weekend together and go to a play or something and each Mother's day we all get together as well.

Maybe in a few years we can plan a European vacation??

Travelnut

My husband doesn't mind browsing and would be happy to accompany me... but the difference is, on my own, I don't feel that automatic need to check in (having fun? want to do something else? getting hungry?0... it's more a 'mental freedom' thing.

jgarvey

Travelnut, I think you expressed it perfectly--it's a mental freedom and self expressive sort of thing that we perhaps now feel the freedom to experience (re-experience?)alone again after the children are flown and the marriage has matured enough to handle it. This is a very enjoyable talk. Thanks to all the women. Men, feel free to chime in. We know you undertake your interests and passions alone as well.

LoveItaly

Well jgarvey, my late husband and I travelled so well together..actually since I have been on Fodor's over these past years I truly realize how well we travelled together.

However, having some time with ones daughter, sister (SIL in my case), close females friends etc can be absolutely delightful.

Yes, men can go fishing, hunting, camping, golfing etc., a guy thing..and God bless them. I always appreciated the fact that my DH enjoyed those activities. And thank heavens he also appreciated that I enjoyed "girl time".

In my case no, "no hidden beast arose during the chaos of travel" so I was so fortunate, but nevertheleass, I would sometimes take a trip, with my DH's blessing on my own as he did.

Kristina

My husband and I often travel apart, but not because we don't travel well together, more because of schedule conflicts or different interests.
This year I'm going to Budapest, Vienna and Prague with my Mother and he's going skiing in Switzerland (I don't ski)at a different time. He often goes to visit a friend who lives in Baja and it doesn't interest me.
I do a trip every other year with my Mom (without him). She and I also travel well together, but even we sometimes bicker, especially when we've let lunch go too late.

Some people think we're odd for taking vacations apart, but oh well. It's not that we don't want to travel together, but we certainly won't stop each other from doing the things we want to do because we might have different interests or schedules. We still cherish the time we DO get to travel together.

On the other hand, will you be apart for the entire time he's gone for 7 weeks? I think that's more than I could handle. I'm going to have a hard enough time with him gone for 9 days!

LoveItaly

I didn't pick up on the seven weeks, yes that would be way more than I would have wanted to be parted from my husband. At the most I am talking about two weeks. And the last days we were counting the hours until we were together again. Seven weeks..NO!

harsha

S P A C E!! is what most of need.Even in a great relationship giving each other space is of paramount importance.
At home each one of us have personal spaces.We wouldn't like anyone else treading on them.Very human! you're not alone.
When you travel there is no personal space defined.That makes life unbearable to most.
Well,what's love got to do with it????

tod

We have a family business and it's not always possible to get away together.
My DH does not mind if I go alone or meet my friends over there and have a ball! He actually does not like the long plane journey or hanging around airports.
I like to be ahead of schedule, he's still in the shower at the airport when they're calling our flight!
I will admit though, as much as I love my freedom when travelling I miss his company at mealtimes, when discovering something new, seeing a wonderful sight
or wanting someone to take a photo of me in it! See what I mean?
We've been married for 37 years this December.

callalilli

i, too, am appreciating this thread. i know that i get raised eyebrows from folks who dont think i should be traveling without my hubby. but he REALLY has no interest in traveling, and i go with his blessing. afterall, while we've been married 30+ years, we're not joined at the hip... but for me, 2 weeks would be the longest.

LCBoniti

What I find is that it is two completely different kinds of travel.

With the girls, we go everywhere and do everything. I am fortunate to have three sisters who are the perfect travel companions. We very much see eye to eye on what we want to do when we travel. And we all love Europe.

On the other hand, when I travel with my husband, it is a much more relaxing time. I can't be in a hurry to see or do anything. He loves to just relax and enjoy the moment - actually a wonderful time, but I have to mentally prepare myself for it. Otherwise, it does cause a conflict. Also, he does not enjoy flying and currently won't "fly over water", although I hope to convince him to go to Italy, which I know he will love. Our trips are usually shorter and closer to home.

Dukey

There's an old adage that says if you REALLY want to find out about someone you should do two things with them:

play cards and travel.

Do you agree, Jgarvey?

ira

Hi jg,

Especially after 25 years, too much intimacy can be nerve wracking.

Even my dear Lady Wife and I have been known to become mildly irked at each other on occasion.

Since you will both be well chaparoned, I encourage the idea of separate vacations.

>...he has started to ask if he can come and do the last week with me. <

Lucky you; a romantic week in Rome after a 6-week separation.

J62

I'm not exactly sure 7 weeks as crew of a sailing vessel in the Caribbean would classify as well chaperoned Ira, aka Captain Jack Sparrow.

7 weeks on the high seas can make any man long for a little wine, women, and song.

Madison

jgarvey - I like the idea of separate vacations, especially after being married for so many years. Both of you will have so much to share with one another when you're reunited. Maybe you could join him at the end of his trip or vice versa? My only doubt about this arrangement is i feel 7 weeks is too long to be separated. A month at the most.