Irritable Travel Syndrome-Do you have it, too?

lol! Wait until you've got 44 years
under your backpack! It's the combo
of too much togetherness, stress of
trying to comprehend rapid talk in an unfamiliar tongue plus the strains of travel period. Plus no
newspaper delivery every morning.


After many trips to Europe DH finally lost his patience w/ 'those'
people not speaking 'his' language -
he yelled "Speak English!" to an
innocent train conductor. It was
hot, he is old, tant pis....time to
consider cruising. Not.

I think a good rule of thumb would
be crankiness increases with each
degree of celsius and each time your
VISA is rejected at a peage port.

I usually travel solo, so I have no one to complain to but myself. And that gets old quick.

It IS hard not to feel a bit superior when I hear couples squabbling over nothing, like you mention in your OP. And I'm here to say you are NOT alone in the irritable travel syndrome, seems like every other couple I pass is bickering with each other about something.

True, true...the favorite line the boys and I keep hearing is..."I can travel the world and not have xxxxx happen". We finally started finishing the sentence and DH got the message! He does travel internationally a lot solo for business and travelling with the family was usually a different experience all together!

Actually, we do pretty well when we travel together. I think after all these years, we realize that things will go wrong and we just try to accept that.

I use to stress alot because I was the map reader and navigator while DH did the driving. That caused more squabbles than anything else. But now we use our GPS when we go to Europe and it has made a world of difference!

Also, we know not to try to cram too much into the time we have and allow enough down time. We also have to be careful to eat at regular times because I can get cranky when I'm hungry.

I think it just comes down to having reasonable expectations but you BOTH have to know that going in.

I leave my husband at home and travel with a friend who has interests similar to mine. We didn't squabble when traveling together but we were getting close.

We ususally do pretty good, but he is the 'We have plenty of time' guy and I'm the 'We'll never make it!' girl. I believe that if you are not at the station/airport hours in advance you are taking a risk. He feels there is only a problem if they won't let him onto the plane/train as they are closing the door.

I think it's hard not to have moments of annoyance any time you're with someone all day and all night, married or not. You're out of your home (comfort zone), making decisions you don't normally make, trying to find your way around strange places. Plus you're trying to get the most out of your vacation. Somewhere in your mind (whether you know it or not) you're thinking about all the money you're spending for this vacation and you want the best time, restaurant, hotel, etc. for your money. It's all stressful! I think we all have these moments. I find there's less stress when I have some time by myself.

I think it's easily understandable: hot, not sure which way to go, being hungry for the last 2 hours, who knows how much longer and what you will get - the list goes on forever. We had it all and it was mostly me going nuts, must confess. But being away lately so often and for so long I've learned to enjoy us being together and realized that it goes into no comparison with what we'll see and what we'll miss, what and when we eat, when we get where we are going - as long as my wife is with me.

We usually do pretty well too, although we do have our moments from time to time. The most recent event happened on our last trip to Germany, when we both failed to do our research and thus ended up walking for almost two hours to Dachau concentration camp from the train station instead of taking the bus like normal people. We were both tired and crabby (we are both active, but neither of us were prepared) and got lost a couple of times. But in the end it always works itself out.

I think we actually squabble less on vacation, even though we are spending more time together than usual, because we are just happy to be there. We usually have that "woo hoo, we're on vacation" vibe and let things roll off our backs that would probably annoy us if we were at home.

Tracy

Actually I find that we hardly ever argue or disagree when we are travelling.

Maybe it's because we are away from the stresses that usually cause differences. It's the "us against the world" syndrome.

I leave my husband at home too. We sometimes still argue over the phone, but I have never had a disagreement with the friends or family who sometimes travel with me. Like suze, I travel solo many times now. I think it's the best way-for me anyway.

Like Betty. I am the navigator and he is the driver AND I have to tell you when we travel it is the ONLY time that he does exactly as I say when driving.

We do have a little problem when parking because he will take the first spot he sees.... even if it is "miles" from our destination. Oh well, guess all the exercise is good for me.

Sometimes plane delays or problems can be so stressful, but we've gotten to the point of just laughing it off and rolling with the changes.

jnjfraz, LOL, you must be a better navigator than I am. We got lost quite a few times! DH was usually pretty calm about it, and I was the one freaking out! Then my freaking out would get him upset and everything would go to h*ll after that!

My wife never has been able, cannot now, nor will she ever be able to read a map. When asked a question about anything on a map, she freaks out, starts flipping the paper this way and that, and finally either bursts into tears or merely sulks against her door of the car.

"Don't shout at me!" "You should have asked me 10 miles ago!" "You know I'm no good reading maps!" "Which way is north?"

She never learns. I never learn.

We have found the best way to avoid crankiness is to void 24 hour togetherness. Be sure to schedule separate time on a regular basis - doing things you each like for a day or an afternoon. It will give you something to talk about - and lessen the pressure a lot.

As for running off to get coffee when they're boarding = just make up your mind he's going to miss the plane and you'll have a better vacation without him.

Nytraveler, I totally agree with you. After 2+ weeks of togetherness on a trip, the bloom is well off the rose. But do you think that we would travel less than 2 weeks at a time? Oh, noooo! The easiest thing for DH and I to do is to have separate days or afternoons; by then, we start to miss each other and can't wait to tell the other what we saw that day during dinner. Also, it saves on the nagging (I can only see Les Invalides in Paris once a year, for 2-3 hours hours at most; DH thinks it's a day event). After 21+ years, it hasn't gotten any better and we still get lost in any city we go to (we crossed 7 bridges in Cologne one time, trying to find our hotel), but we just chalk it up to the "experience" and laugh about it years later.

Since DH is retired, we're already together 24/7 so being on vacation isn't any different. Never has occurred to us to schedule separate time on vacation.

Hi W,

> somehow when we go on vacation, we act like kids coming home from a bad playdate.<

Because you are trying too hard to have the perfect vacation.

Relax. Slow down. Don't try to see everything in one visit.

Have a glass of wine - just enough for relaxation, not enough to make you tipsy.

If DH wants to go for a cuppa at the final boarding call, let him.

You can meet him at the next hotel, if he arrives.

I get stressed out on the journey there and back and liable to bite my companions heads off, but once I'm there I'm fine. I just worry worry worry about being late, missing the flight/train, losing my passport/tickets/money/hotel address, the hotel turning out to be a dump, the town turning out to be a dump, and EVERYONE BLAMING ME!

Like clockwork, DH and I become irritated with each other when we pack for a trip. We always just bring carry ons and he always says "why do you need 5 shirts? You can only wear one at a time !" Then 20 minutes out of the house, I am going through the list and asking "did we remember to bring...?" Again, like clockwork, I settle down and we're good to go. We actually get along great on vacation. In Italy I can ask the question in Italian, but panic when I hear the answer. DH swears he understands the response (body language, whatever). It seems to work, but means we need to be side by side for the entire vacation ! We have to get along to "get along".!

Ha I'm sure there's never a single cross word in your relationship Tegdale?

Thanks so much for the replies, everybody! I've really enjoyed reading them. Husband is off tomorrow on another business trip. He is already planning to leave too late to make the plane ( I think). However, he says if he left when I think he should, he'd have time to read at least two novels plus eat a leisurely lunch. Now nothing wrong with MY PLAN ( just kidding... sort of...) is there?!

Weadles, it's call compromise!

I'm getting it now, and I'm off on my travels at the weekend - a singleton, as ever. It's something to do with expectations. I can't wait to get away, am resenting the preparations I need to make (it's a home exchange), and I've a horrid feeling it might turn out to be a bit of an anti-climax (in Paris, how can that be?).

So I sympathise.

But it might also be the sudden change in the dynamics of a relationship when you're in your other half's company all day long when you weren't before. As the song has it "It's the Nearness of You"

I'll disagree with one set of comments above. I don't believe travel is inherently stressful. And I definitely don't think about the money I am spending while I'm on the trip.

My best companions are two male friends with similar tastes and travel styles. I've traveled with each successfully. We never argue about anything. We do build in some "alone time" or know when to go our separate ways for awhile.

PatrickLondon,

I think you've nailed it. "The Nearness of You" 24/7 when we've had months of both being in and out of the house due to work and family obligations is always an adjustment. And yet the planning for the next trip begins almost as soon as the suitcases hit the floor of our house!

Have a great time in Paris. I'm sure it will be wonderful, as always!

Part of it is the nearness, but we do schedule time apart, and that helps a lot.

Another part is that I am always the planner, as DH has no interest in helping at all. Therefore, if something goes wrong, I take all the blame, and I feel bad if any little detail goes wrong. I feel less bad if it's a detail I had no control over (like late airflights), but I still feel bad.

DH compounds this by constantly complaining about every little thing. The bed's hard. The eggs aren't runny enough. The car seat is too soft. The sun isn't shining. The planets aren't aligned. The salt is too salty. Silly stuff- but I take each one to heart, and he knows it. I told him this trip he could only have one complaint a day... didn't work for one hour.

I think in the future I am traveling with my friend K and possibly C from now on. Not DH. He can go visit his family on his own.

I think we have another: irritable poster syndrome.

Solo travel has it's perks.

Thankfully my late husband I and were great travel buddies. Trips to Italy for two months and no arguements. In fact the only arguements we had were at home not on vacation, lol. But we owned businesses and so worked together although there were some days when we hardly saw each other at the office.

I think the reason we travelled together so well is that we did not cram too many activities into each day. And we both enjoyed stopping and have a cold drink at an outdoor cafe whenever one of us suggested it. And yes there were times when we each went our own way, not because we were having problems with each other but just because we chose to do that.

We always had a rental car. My husband always drove and I was the navigator and I am good at reading maps so that was a big help. But when we did get lost..well it just meant we discovered somewhere we would not have seen otherwise.

I know many married couples that do not enjoy travelling together however so it is not uncommon.

So dear Weadles, so to answer your question, yes travel brought out the best in us. Now if we could have only stayed that relaxed and serene when not on a trip, lol, life would have been perfect!

My first trip was a 6 week trip to western europe 6 years ago I was 25 my wife was 29, she had been before.

We had the time of our lives but I was quite crabby upon arrival in a new local. We had no plans backpacked it so when we arrived we had no clue where we were staying etc etc. It was stressful for me in an exciting way, but I was still very crabby. Those were the only times we ever got in an arguement, except the day in Tarranga, Spain that I insisted we go see for a few hours but when a canceled train turned into a night, she wasn't happy.

My husband and I actually travel extremely well together. I'm a "get there 2 hours early" person, and he.... well, now we get there 2 hours early . I travel constantly in my job (all international travel), so while he used to travel for his job, travelling has changed quite a bit in the last 5 years, so he just goes along with my need to be on time (if not early) - PLUS, since I've been stuck in security lines and almost missed flights, he agrees with me that it's better safe than sorry. I think we're probably more patient with each other when we travel than when we're at home - both buried in jobs where we work way too many hours... He puts things in spreadsheets so we don't miss anything - and I've come to appreciate that, because we can make better decisions.... Based on reading the above posts (which I TOTALLY enjoyed), I think I'm very lucky, and I think I'll go home and suggest we go on vacation some where....

How I relate!

llamalady, do you REALLY pay by VISA at the peage? They must really LOVE you

rbnwdln, we're the same but the opposite way round. I was once interviewing for someone to fill a public appointment in a smart hotel about 12 miles (and 25 minutes) away from home, just before a flight. Everything was timed to the minute. I got out to the car... and couldn't get it open. The battery had gone flat in my key. How happy was my husband? We'd lent the house to the father and stepmother of a friend of ours, who were visiting from Oz, and they had arrived that afternoon. My acquaintance with them runs to me running into the house, furious, because KMR was furious with ME, and how was it MY fault, and me yelling, "we're late, have a nice time, goodbye".

Or the time I arrived home from work to go to the airport (we live 15 minutes away) at the last minute, properly allowed for checking in. How happy was my husband?

I usually go to work before we leave, and I'm working frantically right up till the last minute, so I keep the taxi waiting..... I now have a bet with the taxi driver, that, just as we reach a particular roundabout between the office and the airport, my mobile will ring, and it'll be KMR asking where I am.

Mind you, last year, I took him and 5 other friends (on my dollar) to paris for a long weekend for his 50th; and he did not know where we were going. I pitched up (on time) at his office to collect him, went to the airport, got to the check in desk... and discovered I didn't have my passport. Frantic 15 minutes later, I found it in his car back at his office. I was in pieces, and he was soooooo calm (I HATE that!).

We go back and forth to France quite a lot, and there's a connection on the way. The airlines are always losing our luggage and we've had to overnight unexpecedly in Amsterdam a couple of times. He's the one who ALWAYS packs the bags with half our stuff in each, and makes sure that we have a change in our hand baggage (I'd go with a bag of guidebooks, and crossed fingers).

But we have got into a routine- I look out what to pack,and he packs it. This comes after years of me being seriously tee'd off when, having packed, he would undo everything I'd done.

jnjfraz, he does the parking thing too. It's note ven the first space he sees- it's the one that's furthest from the door, but the easiest to get into. But we joke about that, instead of argiung.

I've travelled with other people and the only time I remember getting crabby was when walking through a town in Spain with my friend Helen. My style is to work out where we're going and follow a logical route minimising footfall. Hers is to do thing one; then thing two; then thing three and to hell with it if it means she's going up the same street three times.(We didn't speak for a day!)

Thanks, Weadles for starting this post. It's been calming to me to read that others have many of the same problems DH and I seem to have while traveling.
It starts with the airport. He's so anxious to get going that we are always there for at least two hours waiting before our flight. Then there's the sniping about airline and TSA inefficiency--as if that will do any good!

We have the same problems as others about map reading though I have gotten better over the years and I'm starting to recognize that it's not all my fault if we get lost even if he thinks it is. We also have that parking problem--he wants to grab the first available spot. I want to get closer. Sometimes he's right. Sometimes I am. Hard not to say "I told you so." we used to have the same problem with lodging before I insisted on advance reservations. He'd want to pick the first hotel that we saw and I'd want to keep going to make some comparisons and find the "best" one.

I plan for months in advance and have the perfect route laid out and even give him the opportunity to revise. He always says "looks good to me" then the minute we get some place he starts changing or says "this is way too long a drive--how could you ever have expected us to do this in x amount of time." Same way I try to book restaurants in advance and he wants to be free to just serendipitously find the perfect place just as hunger strikes.

The frequency of problems seems to mount as the days continue. sooner or later everything seems to come down to-- my way or your way. Like another poster said, I've never thought to allow for separate days (or even separate parts of days) in order to decrease tensions somewhere along the line. I think it may well be an idea whose time has come. May be harder to implement in places we've not been to before, but for places we've been several times, like Paris or Barcelona, this may be a great answer. It's worth a try.

While name calling may not be appropriate, I think there is a point to tedgale's post.

The 'humorous' antidotes Weadles mentions, sound exactly like the people I overheard fighting in public that makes me cringe. Hopefully they wait and have these spats in their hotel room.

Yeah, I love the 'why did you plan it this way' when all offers of letting him help plan were met with 'whatever you want to do, dear'.

In 2006 I solved it all by going to Ireland with my two girlfriends, and left DH at home. MUCH less complaining. I was much happier.

For Suze:

I wouldn't be a proper Bostonian if I argued in public, now would I? I hope that most of you understand that my husband and I are totally appreciative that we can travel, and do enjoy each other's company mostly, despite our petty annoyances and behavior.

Like Weadles, I was 'attempting' a
light-hearted reply to her cleverly
titled thread. Obviously, it was not received as such!

My DH and I have a great life together and we appreciate and enjoy
all the travels we are able to take
as a couple. And hope to continue
to for many more years.

Spoiled? Perhaps. S.O.B.? No!

greendragon, you will miss some of the best things in life staying with that man. Men change as they get older....for the worse! LOL!

This is not our first marriage, but we've been together 10 years now and every day is a blessing. Last year, I booked a hotel in FLL forgetting that the cruise was out of Miami (which had no rooms due to marathon)so it was funny when we got to the port and the ship wasn't there! We had to take a cab to Miami! Now, both of us knew that MY BAD...but he did NOT have to say anything. He could have...

I do make all the plans. My husband forgot which town we were booked in on our Austria trip. He usually looks through the planner on the plane. That's okay with both of us. Travel is the passion we both share. Sure, I get cranky when tired and jet lagged, but neither of us ever takes it out on the other. I'm so lucky to have him there and we find such joy in sharing and having those wonderful memories which provide nonstop conversation. tegdale might have been snotty, but it is a valid point that you need to let things ride and cherish the precious moments!!

Thank you for making me laugh today. Boy can I relate. I think we can look back at these moments and laugh about them now.

Some classics that caused numerous arguments or annoying exchanges probably to innocent bystanders were:

At 3:00 a.m., on the way to the airport from which we have left out of many times, DH to me: Do you remember which highway goes there?

Packing a 5 pound book that would never be read into a carryon for a long weekend trip.

Buying a 5 foot bird cage in Tijuana. We did not own a bird.

Forgetting our formal wear for a cruise because we were again packing the five pound book into the carryon.

Forgetting all collared shirts for a week's vacation that included dinners requiring them. Then having to purchase shirts at resort prices. This is why when you are solo it does not matter. It is solely your $$$. Otherwise, you have to see what a waste of $$ this is.

And that reminds me, receiving a $1100 cruise ship bill for shops and spa. Most of which were charged by DH!

Leaving shoes at beach and yelling at me for not noticing that he had left them.

Overpacking and causing last minute shuffling at the counter.

Yes, and I know about the last minute coffee or bathroom trip. Now I give him the boarding pass and passport. If he does not make it back. It's his problem. No, we cannot wait until we are at our hotel 6 hours later to bring it up. It loses its effect. Lol!

I travel a lot on my own or with business partners. I honestly could care less whether they miss the plane or not. When I vacation with my family the point is to spend it with them, which is why we argue. People only argue about stuff they care about otherwise what is the point.

DH and I had traveled frequently together, but never to Europe, til our 2.5 week trip last year to Switzerland and France. Things went pretty swimmingly until our last 3 days when we were in Nice. I think it was a combo of the language barrier, homesickness, and a bout with food poisoning he'd had earlier in the trip, but after two and a half weeks he'd had enough.

Things came to a head when, on our first full day in Nice, I spent a good hour sulking on the promenade because he couldn't decide what he should do and I was "tired of making all of the decisions." I told him to tell me what he wanted to do or we'd just sit there. Eventually he walked back to the hotel and left me there. And this was on his birthday, no less. Looking back I realize I was being petulant and I'm embarassed about this incident. But I was just frustrated because I was the one coming up with all of the ideas the entire trip and he contributed nothing (and of course this goes for all of the pre-trip planning too) .

He thinks that 17 days in Europe was too much... so now our future trips are limited to 14 or less. I hope he's right that it was just the duration of the trip that made us both cranky. Fingers crossed!

LLindaC, you may just be right. We've already determined that any vacations in the future are EITHER me and friends OR me and DH, never both. I was asked by K, C, and my mom and dad if he always backseat drives that much, or just on vacation? Or the complaints? I told them it was a little higher than normal, but not by much. Which is why he always drives at home. He can't on vacation, the driver seat usually is too small for his knees.

I've learned that every third day or so DH needs a day alone to himself. As long as I can escape (and not waste precious vacation time) that's fine. But if I'm stuck with him, I go stircrazy. I didn't travel 3000 miles to sit around, sleep, or watch TV, I can do that at home!

I've learned so much from these responses, so thank you thank you thank you!! I've also laughed so hard that my kids actually heard me through their i-pod earphones. So again, thank you!

Besides, LLinda, he is so good looking!

My husband and I don't argue much, either on vacation or at home. My problem is that he doesn't much like to travel. Fortunately, my daughter does, and she is my favorite travel partner. We are almost always on the same wavelength, but if one of us wants to do something the other doesn't, we just separate and go our own way.

I also spent 2 days by myself in Paris. One of the days it was because DH had food poisoning, the other was because I wanted to do some jewelry shopping and didn't want to drag him along. I spent both days just riding the Metro, walking miles and miles, and exploring Paris on my own. I stopped in cafes and drank wine, and brought pastries to the park. Those 2 days may have been some of the best of my trip. (sigh)

jenblase,

I can relate to your posts so well, only the last time we were in Paris, it was me who was sick with food poisoning, and my husband who wandered around Paris for two days on his own.

We also spent a very jetlagged day in Nice unable to decide whether to sleep or forge on. He wanted to go back to the hotel, and I wanted to forge on. In the end, we compromised by eating lots of gelato,which kept us awake for hours!

Reading these posts, I'm so grateful that my husband and I travel extremely well together and rarely have disagreements about anything. He loves that I'm the organized planner and is very happy to just let me take the lead. In return, if he's taken with an idea, or desire to stop somewhere on the spur of the moment, I always happily oblige. I do the packing, he does the shlepping. We have an easy division of labor!

He has a low most days, late in afternoon, so we usually plan to be back at our hotel so he can take a little nap. I'm the energizer bunny type and never nap so I either use the time to journal or he goes back to hotel without me and I wander on my own and we meet up at a designated time.

Fortunately, we like the same food, get hungry at the same time, enjoy the same activities and really want the other to enjoy the vacation. It's a good recipe.

Lia_b: the 5-foot bird cage made me truly LOL.

We're a pretty good match when it comes to travelling. We like to do/see the same things, eat the same food, function on the same schedule; I love trip planning, and he has no interest in it.

But he's very good natured when things don't work out as planned and I'm being hard on myself--he'll say, you read three guidebooks that all said this (fill in the blank) was open today--don't beat yourself up because it isn't.

When things go significantly wrong, or we get lost, we can get a little testy with each other--but it usually passes quickly.

On one ski stip, after storming off (can you storm off on skis?), and going back to the hotel, I started carrying my own room key--but have never needed it since then.

We do great if it's just the two of us, but add one more person, like my brother, and it all goes out the window! We've also had trouble traveling with another couple.

It seems DH can be qute content when he has all of my attention AND all is going according to plan, but let me turn my head to listen or talk to someone else too often, or have a few things go wrong, and it's not pretty! That's when the ugly, petulant little boy comes out. On those trips, I come home vowing never to plan another trip with him.

Of course, that only lasts a few days and I just sign right up for more. After 45 years, it's a difficult habit to change.

may i make a suggestion?the best way to diffuse ITS for me is by being away from each other for the day or surround yourselves with otherpeople-locals /in july my husband and i dropped off a daughter in salamanca spain to study for 2 weeks...that left us a lot of time alone... uh oh..i went to a localyokel travel agency and asked what kind of tours they offer... a few days later we were on a mercedes bus to portugal with 50 spaniards.we spent one week on the beautiful coast,hotel paid ,3 plentiful meals a day and optional daily tours available for 200 euros each!!!

My husband and are incredibly good travel partners -- however, we usually end up in a huge fight while preparing for a trip. The packing and list making and document preparing take a toll. After we actually depart, everything is fine!

Our disconnect happens AFTER we get home-

He tends to remember the bad things, and I can talk for hours about all the good stuff, totally forgetting the little annoyances etc.

(of course he did come home from out trip to Ecuador with pneumonia and needing a knee operation

I think it's often hard to come back from vacation, unless you've had a really bad time, which, hopefully, is rare. I can't imagine what it would be like to come home with pneumonia and needing a knee operation on top of the usual back- to-reality stuff!

My husband is European and he doesn't get all excited like I (the American) do. It doesn't tarnish my excitement. But ever so often the been there, done that attitude pinches me a bit.

That and his taking off in another direction and I don't know where he is. I just have to look around for the tallest white haired feller around...but we usually find a cafe, order an expresso or a glass or wine and world is in the right place again. LOL...

Love this thread (except for the SOB reference - what possesses people to name-call?), and can relate to a lot of it. I have pulled some doozies on vacation, and my BF, while steamed, has never yelled at me. My jewelry was in the hotel safe while we were close to the airport (1/2 hr away) at 5:00 am, necessitating waking up security, paying to drill open the safe and transport the bag to the airport, where we were waiting, hoping we would still have time to catch our plane from Istanbul home. Another time I forgot my purse in a cab, only realizing it after we arrived at the airport and were waiting in the check in line. He reminds me of these lapses occasionally, mortifying me, but I am learning to double and triple check (PARTICULARLY my jewelry and purse) prior to leaving.

Very funny thread.....

Like Suze....I travel alone most of the time. I do talk to myself though, but I try not to argue.

The bird cage reminds me of the feennel wood stool we brought home from Yeroskipou in Cyprus!

I guess I tried to block it out, but widespread panic just reminded me that last summer, I left my overnight bag containing all my daughter's prescription asthma inhalers and emergency meds at Izmir Airport in Turkey. Of course I didn't realize it until we had checked into our hotel, two hours away! All of this necessitated a very expensive trip back to the airport, with steamed husband accompanying me. Luckily, officials at the airport were incredibly helpful, had actually found the bag, and brought it to the Lost and Found. We filled out a zillion forms, and were on our way back to the hotel, when my husband said, "Uh-oh. I think I left my passport on their desk." Thankfully,it turned out he was wrong! Passport was inbetween the seats of the dark car!

And to llamalady,

I'm still laughing over the bird cage, too!!

Don't even get me started on all the "prized possessions" I've brought back from our trips, including a gorgeous lamp from Santorini ( well, I thought it was gorgeous!) that tripped out all the lights in our house.

There are silver linings to those dark coulds of "irritalbe travel syndrome".

While traveling with two other couples, we sent the husbands out for a 6 pack of beer and some waters at 11PM. At 3 in the morning, they had not returned. I always carry my own passport, but for reasons I cannot remember, my passport was around my husband's neck in his pouch. I was worried sick about what could have happened to them, but really worried about how I would get his body home if they had stumbled into a canal and if my passport were lost.

I walked the floor all night trying to decide how and what I would tell the police and at what point I would call them.

They stumbled in at 4 AM as happy as clams. They had gone to Bacaro Jazz, got in a conversation with some locals and the owner and had great night. Never mind that the wives were hysterical, and there was no water for us. Only their better judgment stopped them from taking a boat to Lido to have breakfast at someone's house.

I could not even look at him, much less speak to him, the entire next day. I was seething. That afternoon, when we had all cooled down, they talked us into going to Bacaro Jazz for 2 for l drinks. We loved it.

We have been to Venice many times since and always go back there. We have replaced 3 three sets of T-shirts for the guys from the bacaro. It is our special happy place!!

My husband and I bicker sometimes on vacation. It's usually only about stress about getting lost. I'm also grouchy when hungry - and he's very grouchy when he's hungry!

Even with the bickering, I would never pick to travel solo v. traveling with him, except to art museums. For places like the American West, we are extremely compatable.

I can't say I ever need time away from him on vacation, except if I want to browse a bookstore or visit an art museum.

Weadles: Funny, funny question! Thanks for your post!

It's taken us a long time to work out our secret and sacred peace treaty...our vow to have fun on vacation! The way we do it: we discuss in advance, before we leave, the things that normally cause fights. We work it out ahead of time.

For example: Money: My husband doesn't get to see the cost of the trip until it is over...it works!!! By then he doesn't care as it's already spent.

And very important: I'm the planner, so I plan some time for my husband to go off exploring on his own, while I take the time to write in my journal. Our daughters take the time for napping.

then we're ready to take on the world again!

Have fun everyone!

We make sure we have some time out from each other, especially as our trips tend to be a minimum of four weeks. Not bragging here, it's just that it's so expensive to fly to Europe from Australia that we tend to stay longer. We are awful at shopping together, so if I want to shop, HB heads off to do something else for a 1/2 day.

The only time things get really tense, is when we hire a car!! Doesn't matter if we have GPS or not.

I'm very lucky as my husband loves to travel, as I do, and we are very compatible on our travels. I am the organizer and navigator, he is the linguist.

I'm the one that occasionally get irritable - usually when my blood sugar levels are getting low. DH is getting quite skilled in picking up the early warning symptoms of this and hauling me off to the nearest cafe to top up. But also he is a very calm person and knows that once I've let off steam about something, I'll soon calm down and start being happy and practical again.

His bad habits? Not listening to me at the packing stage and then having to go shopping during the trip (and he always finds what he wants on sale!). And tempting me into having far too much good food and wine! Plus the ratbag can sleep anywhere and I can't!

But all-in-all we are great travel companions and are just counting down the days to our biggest trip ever - six weeks in Europe, leaving in a couple of weeks time.

I vowed never to navigate again after trying to read village and road signs in german that were at least 20 characters long while zipping along the autobahn at 160kph...if we don't have a NeverLost in the rental, I won't get in! We dub her 'sophie' or him 'thomas' and never seem to get lost anymore!!

Some great stories here. My neighbour had a funny one. Whilst driving in France his wife was navigating. As he approached a turn off he asked her "Which road do we take?". She looked at her map and replied "The red one". OMG, I died laughing!

Well - this might take the cake. DH was working in Germany and our son joined him for a week of skiing over spring break while he was in high school. DH's travel desk booked a hotel for them near the Frankfurt airport the night before their return flight that he'd never stayed at before. While they were driving from Zermatt to Frankfurt airort, they got lost trying to find the hotel...DH was livid that our son didn't know how to get there!! Like he was supposed to have arrived a day early, scoped out the hotel's location and then met up with his dad! Again...nevermore without neverlost!

And nobody's mentioned children. A favourite story I heard about was about a cheerful family party sauntering off the beach, only to be seen a few minutes later, led by a very red-faced child, and a tight-lipped father saying "Now show Daddy EXACTLY where you buried the car keys".

If you can't be honest with your Fodor friends, why bother? I hate the threads where everyone talks about how perfect their kids are, their relationships are, their in-laws are, and their vacations are. Maybe they are, but I think for most of us life is just a tiny bit less than perfect.

I do love my family, but I confess I also love my solo travel.

We've found the girls and I do fine together, or Dad and the girls do fine, or Mom and Dad alone do fine. Put us all together, and there is definitely a blow-out somewhere along the way - especially if there is driving involved and my husband is behind the wheel with a map - watch out!!

Family life can be complicated, and with teenagers you are basically dealing with opinions and moods just like adults but perhaps with a bit less filter.

When the children were little, we did what we had in mind, and they trailed along, and we all were quite happy.

Two teenagers who are tired, bored, and cranky on top of two parents who are also tired can be tricky.

With our family, hunger is a dangerous issue - we have learned not to postpone the meal "until after this museum" or "when we get to Malaga" because it is a bad, bad idea.

Lately, I've been traveling with just my daughters and then just my husband. It works out a lot better.

I've learned my husband needs to "exercise" or he is just not happy and perhaps a little stressed out. Also, I try to minimize the European coffee he gets...

He wanted to "go to Provence" for our anniversary this fall and I think he pictured a romantic drive from village to village. Well, I've done this type of thing with him before and know he doesn't really enjoy it and it's not fun for me either. At my urging, we chose a resort with a gym and golf and we'll do some "Provence" day trips from there. It's not my perfect trip, but we'll be together and we won't get tired and cranky and yell at each other. The whole point is to have pleasant time together, and after 21 years I've finally wised up and learned how we can both be happy.

He can do sports until he's worn out, I can relax and look at the scenery without feeling I'm boring him, and together we can enjoy wonderful food and some romance together.

gruezi

gruezi,

Thank you so much for your post! You have perfectly described the dynamics between me and my husband, too. My only problem ( or one of them) is that I often romanticize how things will turn out when we travel together, despite the fact that I should know better by now.

Of course Mr. Can't Keep Still at the Movies would like to sit at a cafe in Nice and sip wine for hours! Of course (just for the fun of it) I'd like to practically walk back to the airport from our hotel in Rome!

Our different travel styles have caused some friction over the years, but also supplied a lot of laughs, surprises, and excellent memories.

About that five foot bird cage: I think it was a very wise purchase. You just never know when you might acquire a five foot bird

Weadles:
I too romanticize our trips ahead of time too. Sometimes our trips to Europe seem like a "military march". DH is very active and can't sit still too long. His response is always "What Now", even at home.

In Florence, when he wanted to climb, yet another, tower in the Duomo (sp), I sent him on his way and I went walking and window shopping, then sat at an outdoor cafe and just people watched. It was very calming.

Sue878,

Our husbands would be great traveling buddies! We visited Budapest in the spring, and when I complained that I needed to stop after walking for nearly five hours, he replied, "But we're only here until Monday." !!!

A man on this board - colduphere maybe? - once said something like, "beautiful scenery is nice but after a few minutes, it's like 'okay, what's next?'

That about sums up my whole family and I think a lot of men.

I could look at a beautiful view all day and never tire of sighing over it.

I'm never climbing another church tower, and neither are my 2 daughters. They did climb one in Seville to be nice to Dad, but fortunately I was exempt.

We have a joke, "are we taking a walk or are we exercising?" Husband is hoping it will be exercise, I am hoping it will be a stroll past scenic views and that I'll never break a sweat.

gruezi

gruezi

Has this happened to you? You're doing your mediocre best as a navigator, keeping two fingers on the map and looking up only briefly, and your loved one says, "Look out the window! You're missing the scenery!" Followed very soon by, "Where do we go now? For Pete's sake, keep your eyes on the map!"

I'm not complaining. He drives like a champ in city or country and if we're lost, it's usually somewhere scenic.

I'd like to say my husband and I don't argue or bicker when on vacation, but . . well, it wouldn't be true.

As many posters have noted, it's usually related to hunger, getting lost, or running late for something. Most of the time, though, we're happy just be on vacation.

A side note, though. I love to watch the TV show, The Amazing Race. My sister and I agree that we could NEVER in a million years do this show with our husbands; maybe, just maybe, with someone else as a travel partner. With lots of money involved, tough tasks, time constraints, etc., we would be the contestants bickering and annoyed/angry with the other. I wish it weren't true, but I just know it is. The world will never know, though, 'cuz I'm never going there!

No. My husband and I (18+ years married) don't argue on vacation - we enjoy the location, culture, food, and wine of the places we visit. In fact, after coming back from a vacation, we often go through withdrawal from each other when we need to go back to work. I sure hope that we don't start acting like children after another 8 years of marriage.

Loved the question in the original post...as many have noted, our most trying moments involve navigation. I can almost guarantee that we will raise our voices to each other in the first 20 minutes of getting into a rental car. One of our favorite lines to each other is "I don't know where X is dear, I've never been here". After we arrive at our destination, all is well and we have a great time.

weadles, I loved your post. My late DH and I did not travel well together. I ended up taking one week vacation with him at home and the other weeks with my sister or two other girlfriends with whom I travel well. It's the people who can roll with the punches and can look at the absurdities and laugh (even while it is happening to you!) who are the people I want to travel with.

tegdale, you missed the point of the post. Perhaps reading glasses are in order?
Another fodorite S.O.B

I sure hope that we don't start acting like children after another 8 years of marriage.

Tedgale, Lori and the others with perfect marriages and perfect traveling demeanor at all times - do share your secrets with the rest of us!

IME I have noticed that many of my friends who over the years have sworn they "never argue" and "get along perfectly" with their spouses have ended up divorced.

At least those of us acting like children are still together after 20 years. Maybe it's the secret to our success!

gruezi

One scenerio that always seems to happen in our rental car is that I'll persue the map, finally figure out where we are, and then say, oh we just passed the exit.

Then, my husband will announce that he CANNOT read a map and drive at the same time (duh).

Hey SHeila (way up there)the VISA
peage port 'incident' was at the
Mont Blanc tunnel - DH got in the
truck lane and he had to get out of
the car and stand on tippy-toe to
reach the cashpoint - and then it
refused his card! After quite a
long delay many people got involved
- some of them truck drivers! He is
able to smile about it now that a
few months have gone by and his
red face has faded back to normal.

Great name for the Syndrome. Most of the time, DH and I travel together just fine (though adding both kids increases DH's stress level by very measureable levels).

Driving is not too stressful; our comfortable pattern is that I drive almost all of the time (I love those European roads), and he's the navigator. Once in a while, I miss a direction, but we get there eventually.

Language is our biggest area of crankiness. I like learning languages, and remember far more of my high school French than he does of his high school Spanish, so I generally look forward on working on the local languages. But DH, who gets terrible attacks of shyness (or something) and having to ask questions of strangers (you should see him in the grocery store), uses the language thing as an excuse to make me ALWAYS talk. At some point, I reach my saturation point. On our last trip, to the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Hungary, I had to point out that he knew the same five words of Hungarian (Magyar) that I did, and I would be speaking in English ANYWAY!

dh and I travel well - sometimes. what I have noticed is we travel well when going to a relaxing place- Hawaii, Mexico, Bahamas. Everything is fabulous.

Some place like Europe - the wheels fell off last year. We were indeed like children. My daughter said to me "You kept telling sister and I not to fight but YOU and DAD are the ones fighting."

Of course starting out being re-routed from DWF to Santiago Chile in route to Paris did not assist in the crankiness - we never quite recovered. It was odd. We have traveled well together for almost 14 years and then our first trip like that..did not go well.

Funny thing is? Dh was on a different trip then me..he remains certain we got on fabulous and had a great time.

llamalady- LOL!

I can see it; and half of theem would be trying to help and the other half furious at the hold up.

I'm sorry,worldina bag, but I don't see what's funny with your story )). You will often hear my husband saying to me in a grumpy voice, as we wend our way round another switchback "I thought you said this was a RED road"

Dh was on a different trip then me..he remains certain we got on fabulous and had a great time.

Mine has the same short memory. He insists he loved Ireland even though he made us come home 2 days early. He also loved Spain even though he pretty much ruined Spain for the rest of us.

I also have learned, he does best at a nice resort with not a lot of driving around or logistics, and definitely he needs his exercise or sports.

That's what we do now for "family" vacations. It just works a lot better.

And, my kids have often told the two of us to "please behave."

gruezi

I loved the red road comment.

My smart, movie star gorgeous wife has many talents but reading a map is not one of them. A couple of years ago we were driving in the Austria/Italy area and she said to get off here. Which didn't sound right to me. There was no exit. I asked her if there was a circle on the map, indicating that there was an exit/intersection where the Autostrada and roads crossed to which she replied “I didn't see a circle anywhere on the road.”

I just had to bust out laughing and so did she. We went to the next exit and drove back the 15km on a secondary road to get to the underpass we crossed over on the Autostrada that we needed to get on the road to the ski area.

Lucky for our team/marriage I can read a map while driving, upside down or not, regardless of orientation. Not so funny in France which does not print maps with the North Orientation at the top of the map. Local city or town maps often have a South or even East or West orientation at the top of the page. Nor do they note the orientation, you just have to figure it out.

It helps to have a built in GPS sense. But this is a gift that not everyone has. The folks that have it should not be hard on those that don't. It is like having perfect pitch. You either have it or you don't and no amount of arguing or yelling is going to make someone sing on key, read a map, or have a sense of direction.

On the other hand my wife always tells me to ignore the road signs if I don't think they are right, frequent in Europe where they often direct people to periphery roads to reduce traffic through towns or areas. Same for GPS systems in cars, we call ours 'The Butler'.

After 19 years together of traveling around the world we still have a great time and don't argue. It would never occur to us to yell in public or in a car if we did. What is the point of yelling at your wife?? They are the one person who has your best interests closer to their hearts than any one else.

My wife loves the beach. She loves to sit on it and enjoy the view, the sand, the breeze, the heat and the umbrella drinks. But she doesn't like to go in the water past her knees. I see the beach as a gateway to the sea. On one of our very first trips to Hawaii I said as I waded in that I would be gone for a couple of hours. My wife was distraught by the time I got back. She said you were gone for two hours and I couldn't see you. I said that was how long I said I would be gone. She said I thought you were kidding!! No worries now. I swim, snorkel, scuba, wind surf, body surf, etc. She enjoys her drinks and books.

We both love art history and any other culture we can find. She can always spot a great restaurant. I can stumble out questions in most languages and she can understand the replies if I can't. We have periods of time when we are both in the house for a long time together, the entire past year, but we still love to travel together. If we go with someone else we usually are calling within a couple of days saying we wished we were traveling with each other instead.

I am happy to be the last person on the plane/train. Waste of time otherwise. She wants to be hours early. We compromise now on an hour since the Swiss have no sense of humor about when they say a flight closes. But I am lucky to have an internal clock/calculator that predicts travel/drive time to nearly the minute. So I think we have only missed one flight in nearly twenty years.

Oh and a word to the wise if your wife is uncomfortable you should be too. So if she whispers in your ear that something is not right regardless of the situation listen to her.

No secret, we not only love each other, we respect the others opinions and enjoy the differences.

gruezi-

It's easy - don't sweat the small stuff.

If you miss a museum, there's another one down the road.
If you take a wrong turn, you find another way of getting there.
If you order something you don't like, order something else.
If you don't see something this trip, plan a return.

Life's too short.

Lori,

wise thoughts on travel...

gruezi

We usually do very well on trips, but navigation continues to be a challenge.

DH drives and I navigate. When he asks a question and I say I don't know and then take too long looking at the map, he's been known to yell, "ANSWER ME". It's become a family joke.

France doesn't have north orientation on its maps? Who knew?

In all my years of traveling and living here, I've never seen a map that didn't have north orientation, like every other country map. And I have a house full of French maps.

Good topic!

We travel fairly well together - he plans obsessively and I just go along.

I've travelled much more than he has, especially in Europe, and usually totally without planning. I spent 2 months by myself in Europe a while back, and couldn't even tell him what country I'd be in, let alone what hotel, in what town. He could never cope with that. Each night has to be planned.

This came a bit unstuck when I got quite sick in France a couple of years ago. I actually volunteered to sit with the laundry in a laundromat, rather than going off to see a list of things.

Navigation was a problem. I'm fine (in fact pretty good) in the southern hemisphere, but the northern hemisphere is a total mystery to me. Even with a map, I can't believe what I'm seeing. The sun moves a different way, the cars are on the other side of the road (I think this may be the main problem - I don't have too many problems in Ireland!). GPS made a real difference to our trip through Italy last year.

We seldom argue, but both recognise irritation build-up in the other, and are very aware of falling blood sugar, and other infirmities.

Wouldn't stop travelling, though.

I start my trip with a travel present for my wife (43 yrs). It is usually something stylish but not expensive that she can add to her carry-on. She pretends to forget that I had bought something for several previous trip beginnings. It starts our trips with both of us in loving moods rather than with the stress that comes from all the decisions and hectic action of getting away.

bleason

Have I told you all about the Battle of Versailles?

This was the infamous travel incident when DD, DH and I did not speak to one another from somewhere deep in the grounds of Versailles, to the Versailles train station, on the train back to Paris, or on the walk from the train back to the hotel room. I do believe that DH said a few words when he stopped at a bank machine near the hotel... I think it was "here's money for you, and money for you; I don't care what either of you do or when you leave."

We had a triple room and all sat on our beds in silence for about 30 minutes. Finally Good Old Mom (me) said let's all forget about this and enjoy the rest of the trip. Which we did.

DH and I travel a good bit. Sometimes we have arguments. Sometimes we don't. I think we are blissfully married with a wonderful relationship, but I can't say that we've never argued on a trip. I can't imagine such perfect harmony.

If there is an argument it is often over navigation or the nightmare of modern air travel. DH succumbs to airline abuse and can get cranky. I sometimes resent his crankiness.

I had lovely revenge in Italy in May: he had us just about arrested and our rental car was confiscated for his speeding. We also had to pay a huge fine. And I never said a single word of complaint or remonstrance to him. It got to be like a game. The less I said, the nicer he became. After a couple of days, he was begging to buy me jewelery. I finally had to confess that I had started off by being tolerant out of concern for the trip, but eventually was just playing it for amusement.

He was still over the top nice! Who knew that not b*tching could get me that far?

Omigosh Tuscanlife, that is classic. Something to keep in mind next time things go awry!

Tuscan,

Thanks for your very honest post. We have been there too...

In fact usually one of the teenagers needs a double-parent lecture at some point along the way in order to get the attitudes in proper travel order.

My husband and I are learning (or maybe I am) a few things too.

I realized he likes to think he is in charge even though he has no sense of direction and is not a real "take charge" or organized kind of person - although otherwise a great guy.

Sometimes this means I have to go along, get lost with him, waste some time and smile, smile, smile.

Other times it means I need to say, "Honey, step away from the map..."

For some reason, we argued a lot less in the early years than we do now. So, I conclude it's the addition of teenagers that created some stressful trips from which we had to regroup and learn new strategies. I also realize my husband has a pretty stressful job and may need more time to get into vacation mode than the rest of us. And, at least my teenagers are very cranky before 10 am and rarely too keen on exclaiming over gorgeous scenery.

We were away the past 2 days with the teenagers and did pretty well. I kept thinking about Lori's comment about behaving like children. I found it a bit harsh at the time, but I tried to observe if we fit the category. Kept me aware at any rate

gruezi