High Tension at Gatwick
May 12th, 2004, 03:08 AM
#1
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High Tension at Gatwick
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage at the crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect taxi instructions in about half an hour and you will go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "
Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out
around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage at the crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect taxi instructions in about half an hour and you will go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "
Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out
around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
May 12th, 2004, 03:53 AM
#6
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A couple more that might tickle your fancy
=======================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
=======================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=======================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
=======================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=======================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant."It took us a while to find a new pilot."
=======================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
=======================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=======================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
=======================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=======================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant."It took us a while to find a new pilot."
May 12th, 2004, 04:35 AM
#7
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As long as we are doing flyboy stories:
One of my wife's nephews is a Navy pilot.
The first time he took off alone from a carrier, his squadron was ordered to take off in different directions and rendezvous at a particular point a few hundred miles away.
He arrived on station a few minutes early. After 15 min he became concerned that no one else had arrived. After a 1/2 hour he radioed to the carrier that his team seemed to be lost.
Of course he was 180 degrees from where he should have been, and they had to turn the task force around so that he wouldn't run out of fuel.
He got to have a private talk with an Admiral.
One of my wife's nephews is a Navy pilot.
The first time he took off alone from a carrier, his squadron was ordered to take off in different directions and rendezvous at a particular point a few hundred miles away.
He arrived on station a few minutes early. After 15 min he became concerned that no one else had arrived. After a 1/2 hour he radioed to the carrier that his team seemed to be lost.
Of course he was 180 degrees from where he should have been, and they had to turn the task force around so that he wouldn't run out of fuel.
He got to have a private talk with an Admiral.
May 12th, 2004, 06:05 AM
#11
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Couldn't resist this one:
US Navy radio transmission: "Calling unidentified vessel. We are on a collision course and you must give way. Change course to 15 degrees North."
Reply: "We are unable to comply with your request and recommend you change course to 15 degrees South."
US Navy: "We have the right of way. Change course now!"
Reply: "I repeat, I am unable to comply with your request."
US Navy: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a very large warship of the US Navy. Change course immediately!"
Reply: "This is the Needles Lighthouse. Your call."
US Navy radio transmission: "Calling unidentified vessel. We are on a collision course and you must give way. Change course to 15 degrees North."
Reply: "We are unable to comply with your request and recommend you change course to 15 degrees South."
US Navy: "We have the right of way. Change course now!"
Reply: "I repeat, I am unable to comply with your request."
US Navy: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a very large warship of the US Navy. Change course immediately!"
Reply: "This is the Needles Lighthouse. Your call."
May 12th, 2004, 06:12 AM
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I have a stepson in the US Navy -- and it is unfortunately his experience that the attitude of the person on the navy is not entirely improbable. Fortunately when bad steering led to the damaging of the sonar/radar stuff on the bottom of the ship he was serving on, he was deep in its bowels, far away from any line of responsibility.
May 12th, 2004, 06:40 AM
#13
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Or this one:
A British Airways 747 made an exceptionally heavy landing in Atlanta during a violent thunderstorm.
In an effort to reassure passengers and point out that the landing fell far short of BAs usual standards, the pilot positioned himself at the main exit to say goodbye to each passenger as they disembarked.
In view of the particularly bad landing, everyone was in a hurry to reach terra firma, and was in no mood to speak to anyone.
Except the last one - a little, old lady aged 92. As she drew level with the pilot, she paused, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Excuse me, young man. Did we land just then, or were we shot down?"
A British Airways 747 made an exceptionally heavy landing in Atlanta during a violent thunderstorm.
In an effort to reassure passengers and point out that the landing fell far short of BAs usual standards, the pilot positioned himself at the main exit to say goodbye to each passenger as they disembarked.
In view of the particularly bad landing, everyone was in a hurry to reach terra firma, and was in no mood to speak to anyone.
Except the last one - a little, old lady aged 92. As she drew level with the pilot, she paused, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Excuse me, young man. Did we land just then, or were we shot down?"
May 13th, 2004, 04:35 AM
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TRUE joke from a friend of mine who used to be an airline pilot with BA (apologies to Sheila in advance...)
He's on a routine flight from London Heathrow to Edinburgh. Captain makes his customary broadcast to the passengers:
"Good evening , this is Captain Edwards once again. We are now approaching Edinburgh and will be landing in about 15 mins. The weather is fine and dry and if you would like to adjust your watches to local time, the time difference from London and Edinburgh is approximately 200 years..."
He's on a routine flight from London Heathrow to Edinburgh. Captain makes his customary broadcast to the passengers:
"Good evening , this is Captain Edwards once again. We are now approaching Edinburgh and will be landing in about 15 mins. The weather is fine and dry and if you would like to adjust your watches to local time, the time difference from London and Edinburgh is approximately 200 years..."
May 13th, 2004, 05:38 AM
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At the risk of offending any lawyers out there:
Counsel: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Doctor: "No, I didn't."
Counsel: "Did you check for breathing?"
Doctor: "No."
Counsel: "So, it's possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No."
Counsel: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Counsel: "But could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?"
Doctor: "Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Counsel: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Doctor: "No, I didn't."
Counsel: "Did you check for breathing?"
Doctor: "No."
Counsel: "So, it's possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No."
Counsel: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Counsel: "But could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?"
Doctor: "Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
May 13th, 2004, 06:35 AM
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Few more:
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206".
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
