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attack of the killer snails: stock up on salt tablets

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Alongside the frequent sign: ‘Don’t feed the pigeons’ a new sign is to hit UK streets this ‘Don’t feed the Snails’. The UK is bracing itself for a second invasion of the giant Spanish Snail: Arion Vulgaris.
The weather conditions are forecasting trouble ahead; constant rain, prolonged cold conditions and the likely sudden burst of better weather are all pointing to a possible explosion of snails.
What hasn’t helped is the UK’s love of animals and animals performing tricks. Crowds are likely to gather around these hungry beasts and are simply amazed at the speed in which they devour food: lettuce, cabbage and just about anything green. So they feed them and they have grown bigger, and their offspring even bigger,
The possible solution has now turned into the problem. The eco friendly Brit with his beer trap for ordinary slugs and snails has created a beer friendly beast who is not only immune to the stuff, but positively seeks it out. This has resulted in gangs of snails going on a beer crawl – going from trap to trap getting ‘legless’.
Attracted by the smell of beer they have even been known to enter pubs and appear quite threatening until their needs have been satisfied.
Norway has been similarly invaded but its not as big a problem there on account of the cost of beer. The canny Norwegian refuses to waste expensive ale on the beasts and numbers haven’t thrived as much.
The chairman of Plymouth Bowling Green says the Spanish Invasion is a catastrophe, his members can’t get a good game of bowls in because of drunken snails having a feeding frenzy on the fresh blades of grass. The chairman, Sir F Drake, has a conspiracy theory: “We send out teenagers to wreak havoc on the Costas and they return the favour by exporting these slimy monsters. This is one Spanish invasion we can’t repel. The pound goes down and the euro goes up”.
So take care out there – and if you see the Salt Gritters out in the middle of summer you ‘ll now know why.

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