LoveItaly

This is not really a travel question but it is a question regarding a problem I have, regarding my next trip to Italy. I have many friends in the area of Veneto. They are constantly asking me to return. I can do this next spring (2005). I stay at a small family owned hotel as this is easier due to several families that I know that I am constantly visiting with or going on 3 or 4 day trip around Italy with. My problem is this. This family that I the closest too has me for lunch, dinner, wine on the terrace etc., every second that I am able to. And because I love being with them so much I make sure that I am free to do this a lot.
In the past I of course bring hostess presents, take them to restaurants, flowers, wine, anything I can think of to show my appreciation for their beautiful hospitality.
Now, because of the Euro and inflation I know that this dear family is on a restricted budget. Because the husband works long hours it does not work out for them to have me take them to restaurants a lot. And they really enjoy the gatherings at their home (as do I). So I am worried about my being there, adding to the expense of the wonderful home cooked meals. I would like to help them with the grocery budget. I just do not know how to do this. I feel if I say "yes I will come, but I want to contribute to the grocery bill" they will feel insulted. But I know if I don't it will be a burden on them. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle this problem. The other families I know and see do not have this financial problem. Any help, thoughts will be so appreciated. Thanks, Nancy

DeirdreStraughan

Ooh, that is a tough one. There is something of a tradition of gift baskets in Italy, usually at Christmas and Easter, so you could probably sneak in a couple of those. And wine, of course. And bring dessert, such as a bakery torta, if they don't make their own. Or, if they have kids, you could bring stuff from the States for the kids - depending on their age and fashion-consciousness, they may consider some items of American clothing way cool.


best regards,
Deirdré Straughan

http://www.straughan.com

LoveItaly

Deirdre, thanks for validating that this is a tough one. I needed a laugh today! But seriously it is a tough issue. The child is a grown man. And like a nephew to me. The parents (like a sister and brother-in-law) except they are not. And being around Italians in the SF Bay Area all my life and fortunatly many trips to Italy I know how proud and also generous Italians are. I won't be with them for Christmas or Easter. Probably for the month of June I can be there. And it is the day to day cost of groceries that I am worrying about. This is not a "poor" family but the economic situation in Italy has hit them. They love me and I love them, but I don't want to be an economic burden to them. But I don't want to "insult them" either. So I do not know how to "help them with the food cost because I am there" without causing an insult. Do you or anyone else have any suggestions as to what I can say, what I can do?

sundown

Let me say first that if all guests were half as caring as you there'd never be a problem like this again! I can guarantee that since you are sensitive to this issue it is going to work out fine regardless how exactly you choose to handle it.

My advice: You said in the past you would take them out to eat. That's the perfect opportunity to bring up the matter. Tell them the truth: that you always looked forward to treating them and feel like a freeloader when you can't. Either that prods them into letting you take them out (after all, they're going to be eating with you anyway--why should having the meal at a restaurant be completely out of the question?) or it opens the door for you picking up the tab for a meal or two at their place. You say they are very proud. Well, you need to be equally proud and make it clear you will be hurt if you can't contribute your share. (And regardless what else you do, make sure you bring the wine. That's likely going to be the biggest extra expense for them.)

I also would recommend you don't beat yourself up too much. If they're not "poor" they can afford to have a dear friend over a few times, particularly when they have months to plan for it. Enjoy your time together. That's the important part. You all will have a wonderful time!

bookchick

First of all, LoveItaly, I, too, laud your sensitivity. If it is possible for you, time-wise, could you offer to do the marketing, or accompany the person who usually does it? This way, you get an opportunity to tactfully pay for the groceries. I have done this with friends of mine in the States who were trying to keep pace with paying a mortgage on a new home and raising a growing family, and it worked well there.

Buona Fortuna,
BC

Patrick

I go along with bookchick's marketing ploy. I love going to markets in Europe and often wish I WERE cooking just so I could buy all that stuff. Perhaps you can offer to go shopping and let the other person "teach you" how to shop, making it clear that you will take care of actually buying and paying for everything that day. You want to do this as a learning experience. You think they'll "fall" for that?

nibblette

Agree with bookchick and Patrick. Since you know this family well, you could probably spend the day with them and accompany whoeever to the market. I have often wanted to see what people use to make their wonderful dishes and love going to the market with them. When it comes time to pay, I will pull out my credit card/cash and insist on paying, calling it a "thank you" for taking the time to show me what I needed to make the dish(es). I have never been turned down!

miguelgcuadra

How about being really straight forward to them..they are not like your family, they are your family, it is in the heart not in the blood. Just tell them you are so grateful to be able to enjoy them and want to contribute to those beautiful moments...sure they will understand and maybe relax some more...sure that will create an extra bond to your friendship.
We latins (yes italians are latins) are sensitive but open to new suggestions.....

LoveItaly

My thanks to all of you for your beautiful thoughts and ideas. I now feel that I will be able to know how to deal with this situation (I no longer think of it as a problem). And yes, I and all of my family think of them as the family of our heart. This is why I was so concerned about insulting them. But now I feel prepared on how to handle this gracefully. Again, thanks to all of.