Absolutely NO BUGS, at all, none.

OKAAAAYYYY ! I was thinkin , uh oh !!! lol , why arent you naughty today . Tsk...Tsk .... Where is Marion , LOL , Just Kiddin !! Got my pics in hand today , turned out great except the ones of me , BOO HOO , isnt that always the way !!! Pehaps I neeed to look into that clinic in Thailand ... watdya think !!

A place for my surgery should be on the list remember !!!

Ooh, MaryD, you're so right. No bugs. And definitely no wildlife of the creepy crawly variety, so no lizards or snakes. Maybe a few pretty birds to admire from afar, but definitely not around the breakfast table.

And while I'm at it, definitely NO RAIN.

You left out "a plunge pool or a beach where WE can be naked and topless"

How about very secluded beaches where we can be alone but have access to beach bars, watersports, jetskis and parasailing.

don't forget the spa and workout room, "American" TV, and free wireless internet connection.

cw

This is funny!!! I am sure that someone in Las Vagas will build all of this indoors somewhere next to Egypt, Venice and New York without the dirt crime or NATIVES

Lots of activities for our children and fully trained Nannies on-site with up to date Police references. Oh, and no noise from other peoples children

Lets not forget that the "plunge pools" should be heated, way too cold. And in poss' case, king bed required. Awwww, poss, we still love ya !

Thanks, folks. You've really made my day with your responses. And to add, I'd really like a step-n-fetchit type of service at my beck and call, at all hours, with a large smile. I can't imagine what could give someone more pleasure than serving my every whim.

I'd add one more that even our experienced travelers sometimes succumb - that there be no construction or American presence (physical or cultural) to spoil our paradise, regardless of the many local jobs that these eyesores provide. And, of course, no cruise ships.

I would like to add.....the hotel has a dedicated staff who, by special arrangement, will go out to the pool before sunrise and put your towel on your favourite lounge chair and then babysit it all day so that you don't have to bother getting up to do it yourself nor rush to get to the pool before your good and ready...2:00 p.m. sounds good. Pity those poor unfortunates who don't realize this service is available...oh well they'll have it made in the shade.

ejcrowe,

Are you telling me that this place you describe doesn't exist? Say it isn't so!!

Thanks for the smile.....

No need for the staff to save your chair because of the secluded beach that you are going to, and of course in this resort there would be an abundance of chairs all ideally situated with view sun AND shade and no one else too near by.

ha! you got me ejcrowe. how about "staff that isn't rude", "no hurricanes", "direct service from ny", 1 week before easter? ;-D

HOW did I miss this thread for so long?

Folks, I gotta hand it to you - these are some GREAT answers. The dryness of the humor has me needing moisturizer!

Here are a few more: (sorry if I duplicate anything..)

No wind, no humidity, no rain - 100% sun and 80 degrees are required.

Only English should be spoken and US dollars accepted.

I'd need to be able to get my favorite _____________ (fill in blank with one - or more - of the following: food, drink, beer, magazines, tv show, make-up) at the resort.

The walls of my room should be a minumum of 3' thick so as to avoid any noise from neighboring rooms.

Housekeeping should contact me daily to determine my schedule so as to avoid cleaning my room when it is inconvenient for me - but of course should not expect a tip. (A tip?! Does anyone actually tip housekeeping?)

Each bartender and wait staff member should be alerted on the day of my arrival that I am to wait no longer than 45 seconds between being seated at the bar or restaurant to obtain prompt and courteous service.

The way I look at it, I am paying GOOD money to go on vacation, and I expect everyone to realize that and be appreciative that I have chosen their island and resort and to do whatever it takes to make ME happy - despite the fact that I will NEVER say thank you OR tip more than 5%.

Doesn't the sand have to be white as teeth that have just been bleached at the dentist's office? It also should be soft as powder. The water, it goes without saying, has to be that clear acqumarine blue. The waves shouldn't be too big or too small. As for the snorkeling,.......

Diana, I was hoping you'd chime in. One of your comments reminded me of some poor person's trip report many moons ago. Yes, English must be spoken, but it must spoken where I can understand it and not "jived up" as that one poster put it.

AS for wave action, I mostly want it to be calm like bathwater. But occasionally I would want it with moderate wave action for body surfing, and I don't think it's asking too much for the waves to be directed at my whim. After all, it's my hard-earned dollars at work.

And definitely no additional tipping. I mean, hey--I'm already shelling out 50 bucks a night. Some of that must go to the staff, right? And they're probably too lazy to earn anything else anyway.

too funny!

i especially love the urgency of the thread title, which seems to be common now on this board.

how can planning a vacation ever be urgent?

This thread is a hoot!!!

All these requirements are well and good but it's important that the resort allows my (husband, wife, partner, me, etc.) to wear (tank tops and sandals, cowboy hats, shorts, thongs, or other inappropriate apparel) in their formal dining room as we don't want to dress up on while vacation.

While you are at it, once you narrow the choice down to 2 or 3 resorts you have to tell me which one I should pick because I'm so confused.

I also need to know the airline that has the cheapest airfare from my home but I won't tell you where that is and I want one that will give me a free upgrade to first class if I tell them it's my birthday next week.

I want to be able to take a 6 hour day sail to another island that is at least 750 miles away but I don't want to get seasick during the trip and want to be back in time to take the sunset cruise.

well lets don't forget a plethora of beachside restaurants with service the speed of macdonalds, no fish on the menu, under $20pp and with carib atmosphere to sigh for. (no kids again i'm afraid).
i love this thread.

I want an extremely lush, green, tropical island with beautiful white sand beaches that doesn't get much rain...

brenandg

Now, you know that's not true!!!!!

You don't care if it rains for the rest of the year - you just what us to tell you which week YOU should go!

This has been a very funny thread - thanks EJ

And can you tell me what island will NOT have a hurricane during the third week in August?

TTT for the fun of it.

Brenda

I want all my doormen to wear turbans and sashes, and all of the waitresses should wear grass skirts... and I want my drinks with little umbrellas. Marble baths and gold fixtures. King size beds and plush carpeting that matches the bedspread. And that staff better not sass me in their own "patois"!!!

and the mattrasses should be perfect - not too hard, not too soft, and the sheets should have an extremely high thread count... comfortable slippers and housecoats should be provided by the management... the room should be cleaned 3 times a day, but we should not be bothered by this in any way... I could go on...

Ahh, the parody continues. Every time I read a new addition to this thread it makes me smile.

I want the hotel's store to have a well stocked humidor of the best Cuban cigars, kept at exactly 70% RH and freshly stocked.

Just so I can relax in my satiated glory each evening, master of the world!!!

Yes... smoking should be permitted but the room should be absolutely free of smoke, of course!!

what about all the free upgrades just because I'm me?
I want Ocean FRONT at garden prices.
I want to be bumped to first class on the airplane. (I am cute afterall)
I want a trip to Cuba without getting in trouble.
I want duty free prices on everything. (At least 1/2 price, even though I didn't do my homework before I go.)
The water needs to be calm on one side, waves on the other, cause I don't know what mood I'll be in.
I want to see sharks and turtles and dolphins and stingrays EVERY time I snorkel.
I want cheap massages, but they have to be the best in the world.
I want all of the above posts too.