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Driving in India - Hilarious

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I received this mail from a friend of mine apparently written by a Dutch architect posted by a software company in Hyderabad.I reproduce it ,as is.Enjoy :)

This is an extract from one of the articles written about the driving conditions in India (which we are aware of) by Coen Jeukens, a functional Architect for Baan Apps Distribution.

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For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India, except Bihar, where life outside the vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of 'Karma', where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.



The hints are:

· Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied (by animals and others). In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap as in chess.

· Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

· Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicle in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

· Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when the traffic is moving slowly or has come to dead stop just because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

· Honking (blowing your horn) is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We sound horn here to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilise a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

· Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

· Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental make-up of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record.

· On encouraging it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

· Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation.

· The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.

· Then you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. Sometimes, it could be the right one. But never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs in the night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a great threat). Only you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.

· Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking coloured lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing religious songs. These pilgrims' buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

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